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I know I do.
But I can’t.
“Katerina has nothing to do with you.”
There isn’t even a comparison. I was forced to be with Katerina despite having no interest in her. With Cora, I want to be with her more than anything, but I can’t. They’re opposites in every way.
“She has a lot to do with me if I’m going to end up like her,” she snaps.
I take a step towards her and she shrinks back. Actually wilts in front of me.
It’s been a long time since she’s been scared of me. I forgot how it feels to see her flinch when I approach.
I retreat and fist my hands at my side. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Then tell me,” she pleads. “Tell me what is going on. Trust me with the truth. Tell me that you’re the man that I think you are.”
My life is built on a foundation of lies. Cora wants the truth, but it isn’t my truth to tell.
“I’m not the man you think I am.”
Her face falls. “What—”
“You’re looking at me like that.” I jab a finger in her direction. “You’re looking at me like I’m the monster under your bed and that’s not who I am. Not to you. Whatever you’re thinking right now, it’s worse than the truth.”
“Okay.” She blows out a breath, but it doesn’t do anything to calm her. She’s still shaking, pacing back and forth in front of me. “Okay, so maybe you didn’t kill her. That’s what you’re saying. But she’s still missing. Something happened to Katerina.” I don’t say anything and Cora seems to fold under the weight of her own misplaced expectations. “If you won’t tell me what happened, then it has to be because it’s worse than I think. Did someone attack her the way they’ve attacked me?”
“No one attacked her.”
“Then where the fuck is she?!” she screams. “People don’t just disappear into thin air! Something must have happened to her. And I know how you are with me. I don’t think you would hurt me. We’re just pretending, but you’ve sworn to protect me. Did you swear to protect her, too?”
For a brief moment, I’m once again in the back of that car. The divider is up and Katerina is huddled in the seat next to me. She’s wearing a fur coat and huge sunglasses. When she speaks, her voice is barely more than a whisper.
“I trust you, Ivan,”she says.“Whatever happens, I trust you.”
Which is why, standing in front of Cora now, I bite my tongue. I swallow down the explanations that are clawing at my throat.
A tear rolls down her cheek and she swipes it away. “If you couldn’t keep her safe, then why should I trust you to protect me?”
It’s her doubt in me more than anything that snaps my self-control. I take a jerking step towards her. “I took care of her!”
Cora scrambles back against the wall. Her skin goes pale—so pale—and her thoughts are written plainly on her face.
She thinks Itook careof Katerina. After everything, Cora thinks I killed her.
“Oh, for fuck’s sake, I didn’t mean—”
“I want to leave.” Cora crosses her arms over her chest like armor. “I know you have other safehouses and more than enough guards. Put me up somewhere else.”
“No.”
She frowns. “Then chain me up. Lock me in a dungeon.Take care of me.The only way I will stay here with you is if you force me to stay.”
A dark part of me wants to strap her to the headboard and not let her leave until she understands.
But nothing has changed. There is too much I can’t tell her—too much she doesn’t know. And in the end, it might be for the best if she leaves. She’s been a distraction since the moment she arrived.
Out of sight, out of mind. A man can hope, at least.
