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CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
ITWASgo-shopping-in-Copper Ridge day, and Alaina was thrilled to pieces, and had co-opted Elsie to come along on their caravan. Her sisters were in a separate car, and she and Elsie were in the truck, pulling the trailer.
“I hope we find good stuff,” Alaina said.
“There is nothing worse than a thwarted shopping spree,” Elsie said.
“You don’t shop, Elsie,” Alaina said.
“Well, maybe not so much. But sometimes I need a new horse blanket, and nothing makes me madder than when I can’t find a horse blanket when I’ve already decided I’m going to spend up big on one.”
“I didn’t know you had terribly specific horse blanket needs.”
“Sometimes one does,” Elsie said sagely.
And Alaina knew better than to argue with that.
The drive was a nice one, and they kept the conversation light, and Alaina was somewhat relieved. Every time she was with Elsie and things felt normal, she felt relieved. And she was glad that even though she’d been hurt momentarily over the thing with Hunter, she had not let it blow up their friendship. Because here she was, standing on the other side of it and knowing that being with Hunter would’ve been wrong. Very wrong.
And...
“Okay,” Alaina said. “This might be awkward. But I just wanted to say that I’m really glad that you ended up with Hunter and not me. I mean, I wouldn’t have ended up with Hunter. But if I’d been with him... Look, your relationship with him aside, and obviously how that would’ve made your life not awesome... I am certain me being with his brother is something Gus wouldn’t have been able to get over.”
She could feel Elsie looking at her speculatively. “Sorry, I’m not following.”
“Well, I did a rash and dumbass thing, because I was sitting in my life feeling uncomfortable, and trying to do something to shake it up. And I homed in on Hunter for that. And I am just really glad that it didn’t work out. I’m glad that nothing happened. I’m glad that nothing came of it. I think it was always supposed to be Gus. I’m not sure if I’d be with him if the whole disaster with Travis hadn’t pushed us. As much as it felt like a mistake, I think I needed everything to happen exactly like it did.”
“Oh. So, youreallyhave feelings for Gus.”
“Yes. I’m not sure if I’m rewriting history or...or what. But he’s special. And he always has been. And I keep thinking back on all those moments. All the sweet things he did for me, and how I was blind to it. I want to believe that I always felt something for him. That I wasn’t so shallow that I didn’t see him just because he was scarred.” Tears gathered at the corners of her eyes. “I think he’s beautiful, Elsie. And he’s not second best, and he’s not just the guy that swooped in to rescue me. I...” The word that she felt expanded in her chest and bubbled up, but she didn’t want to say it. Not now. She didn’t even really want to think it; she just wanted to let it be there. Building on itself. While she got accustomed to the feeling, and what she was going to do about it.
“It’s okay if you didn’t,” Elsie said. “It doesn’t make you a bad person, just because you didn’t realize.”
“I just feel like I was really stupid. And I didn’t actually know what I wanted. Or know what was important. Or know myself at all. I didn’t understand what attraction was. Because what he and I have... It’s not like anything else. Kissing him isn’t like kissing anyone else. Or even... Wanting to kiss him isn’t even like kissing someone else. It’s that I can’t stay away from him. I don’t want to. And I want to feel closer to him, and nothing ever feels like enough. I want everything. And I... You know, I’ve been feeling really good, and really confident, and suddenly I’m realizing how stupid I was, and it hurts. And I don’t mean... It’s not about making a mistake with Travis. I’m not being down on myself about that. It’s about not understanding what I wanted. And it’s making me question everything. Everything about myself. Because I was so certain, Elsie, I always have been. Because any moment of uncertainty has been so uncomfortable I couldn’t handle it. So I always made a decision. I always tried to figure it out. What if I’ve been figuring things out in the wrong direction all this time?”
This was why she avoided these things. Caring and sharing and pushing. Because when she stayed in her own little bubble, she could pretend her certainty could power through it all. But not now, not with this.
She worried.
That no matter how much she cared it could all go away.
“Everything you do isn’t wrong,” Elsie said. “It’s also just part of finding out who you are. Alaina, I wasn’t any smarter about this kind of thing than you were. I didn’t know I wanted Hunter. I spent most of my life teasing and tormenting him trying to get a little shred of his attention and thinking that it was because he annoyed me. Realizing that I was attracted to him just about did me in. I thought I knew everything there was to know about everything. Especially myself. I wanted Travis because he felt easy and manageable. But I didn’tthinkthat was why. I thought I knew what I wanted. Because I had never...been with anybody. How are you supposed to know what you want when you’ve never done it?”
Alaina laughed. “I guess that’s true. I thought... I thought sex just wasn’t really all that great.”
“It’s supposed to be,” Elsie said.
“I know that now.” She sighed. “He’s really difficult. I mean, he’s not. I love being around him. Even when he’s a hardheaded mess. It’s just that there’s so much that I don’t know about him. I can’t get it. I don’t know if he’ll ever let me.”
“Falling in love is really hard, Alaina. Because you bring all of that stuff that you don’t know and it butts up against all of the things that he doesn’t know. And then there’s the things you’re both afraid of. I almost messed everything up with Hunter because I was so scared.”
Elsie had gone and said it, even if Alaina couldn’t bring herself to say the word. Couldn’t bring herself to talk about love.
Love.
What was love, anyway?
What was it except this brilliant unfolding of all that they could be over time? Years of him proving that her comfort and care mattered. Protection. Being there. Commitment. Kissing. Touching. Talking.
