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She stopped. Frozen. And she did look a little horrified. And for just one moment, that was almost satisfying. That he had successfully managed to surprise her about who he was.
“I don’t think I’m violent because I’m his son. I think I’m violent because I’ve been violent. And it isn’t just the act of it, it’s the enjoyment of it. Because until you’ve felt what it’s like to let anger be the only thing in you, to let it be the only thing that drives you, to let it be everything you are, to let it blot out everything... While you relish causing someone else’s pain... You don’t know how terrifying you really are. I know not everyone has the capacity for that inside of them. But I do. I have to be careful. I have to be really careful.”
“You’ve never hurt someone innocent,” Alaina said.
“No,” he said. “I don’t get close to people.”
“Gus, I just don’t think that...”
“I didn’t ask what you thought. That’s the thing. I did not ask what you thought. I’m just telling you why. I hate my dad. More than I hate anyone or anything in this whole world. I hate him. My biggest regret about my interaction with him is that I didn’t kill him. That I let him walk away. That I let him live. And that’s also the thing in me that comes from him, and I have to live with that. So I don’t let people close. You still want to have dinner with me? Knowing what I am?”
And with the most stubborn look on her face he’d ever seen, she opened up a Tupperware container and wordlessly scooped a big heaping pile of spaghetti onto a plate, then went to the microwave and started heating it up. Then she sat down beside him, closer than was strictly necessary, her arm touching his. “Might as well serve yourself,” she said.
He growled, got some pot roast and put it on a plate, then heated it up, and distanced his chair slightly from hers.
They ate in silence, and then he went upstairs to take a shower.
And then suddenly she opened the door. Naked. And got inside with him.
“What the hell are you doing?”
“You’re my husband,” she said. “Did you think you telling me something about yourself was going to...make me run away?”
He did. He had. She was supposed to be afraid of him. Other people were. And they didn’t even know the whole story. Didn’t even know the whole truth of what a hot mess he was. His siblings didn’t know. Hell. He never wanted them to know. Just how much of their dad he was. Because they’d never be able to look at him the same way again. Or maybe...maybe they would. Maybe they’d be like her, and pretend they understood because his dad was awful. But they didn’t know what it felt like. To understand him. To understand that feeling that blotted out rational thought, that blotted out humanity, and put you in a position where you thought you could go that far.
They didn’t know what it was like to know that lived inside of you. He did. He knew what it was like. He didn’t want anyone understanding it. He sure as hell didn’t. And he didn’t want her in here now, not when he needed distance. Not when he needed to get a grip.
“I’m not running,” she said. “Unless it’s to you.”
She pressed her breasts up against his chest and he groaned. He didn’t have defenses against her. None. She shot them down, every time he put one up. Like it was nothing.
And it made him feel like maybe it wasn’t her that needed protecting.
“For someone who hates all that anger inside of him, you sure get angry a lot.” She stroked his face, looking up at him.
He grunted. “Well, that’s kind of the issue. It just happens.”
“Or maybe you actually do like it. Maybe it does something for you.”
“That should worry you.”
“I’m sorry,” she said, not sounding sorry at all. “I’m not afraid of you.”
He growled, backed her up against the tiled wall.
“Is this when I get to see the beast?” she asked.
He grabbed hold of her thigh and lifted her leg up off the ground, hitching it up over his hip. “Maybe.”
“Good. I don’t want there to be any girls out there who have gotten something from you that I haven’t. All those girls, all those girls you took to bed, and you thought of me. You better give me as good as you gave them.”
He was so hard it was physically painful, and he should pull away from her. He should walk away from this. Because he was on some kind of edge, and it was too foreign for him to even know what edge it was. But she was looking at him like that, the vixen, and she was wet and slick, all over, and he wanted her. Wanted to do exactly what she was asking for.
He was never with women who knew him. He didn’t expose himself. He kept things compartmentalized. But this was Alaina, who he had known her entire life. They were married. They were going to have this baby together. And there would be no walking away the next day.
The consequences for opening himself up and pouring everything into her was...
But he couldn’t say no. He couldn’t turn her away. And yeah, it had been a shitty thing. To think of her while he was with other women. To use them to satisfy a fantasy that he didn’t think he would ever get to fulfill. He had her now. He had her. And that felt dangerous. But it was also irresistible.
