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“Why did you pull away?”
“It’s not a big deal.” Except that she could see in his eyes that it was. And this was what it was going to be like always. Because this was what it was like when you were all in and the person with you wasn’t. When they were holding back a part of themselves.
And she knew that Gus had been hurt. Worse than she had been. She’d had pain in her life. But she was young, and she’d had opportunity to recover from some of these things. In a gentler way. She hadn’t settled into them like he had.
“Gus,” she said. “I just wish that you would tell me.”
“This is a pizza lesson. Not a cross-examination on feelings.”
“All right then. Knead the pizza dough,” she said.
She moved away from him, and turned around, looking out the window at McClouds’.
And then she looked back at him. His broad shoulders, his lean waist. His utterly perfect male beauty. She loved him. She loved him so much. And she believed in her heart that he deserved to be loved.
And a broken cry escaped her lips.
Because she deserved to be loved too. And she had been holding herself back from that. From that reality. From that truth.
She understood what had damaged him. She knew that it was more complicated than just his father’s abuse and his mother’s abandonment. But she tasted shades of it and she understood how it could affect what she felt about herself.
She had convinced herself, not in so many words, that she could take less. She hadn’t dreamed about a husband and children, because she had been taught that she couldn’t trust in those things. And shouldn’t want them.
She had gone after Travis because he was easy. She liked Hunter because he was impossible.
She had cared about Gus in a deep, real way since she was young enough that it wasn’t sexual. But she had cared for him. And she had never let herself get closer than that because of the fear of rejection. And now here she was. And she realized he wouldn’t reject her. But he would keep taking. And it would do them both a disservice. That wall would stay up unless she challenged him to knock it down. He would pull away and pull away and pull away and she would draw closer and closer and closer. And they would do that dance forever. And what would she tell their child? About what they deserved. If she could not admit that she deserved to be loved. She deserved it. More than just protection. She deserved it even though she had made a mistake. She deserved to be loved fully and completely.
She didn’t know if there was a man out there that she could ever have that with, not the way she did with Gus. She was actually pretty sure there wasn’t.
She had wanted him to protect her because she wanted to be with him. And she would be another person who walked away from him. And that killed her. But staying with him just might kill her too. And she would be dragging her child right into it.
“Gus,” she said. “I want you to love me.”
The air around them went still, and his whole body went straight. “What?”
“I’ve said that I loved you a bunch of times. I mean it. I keep saying it, and nothing changes. That isn’t what I want. I want you to love.”
“I already told you that I...”
“I know that you did. But I’m sorry. It’s not enough.”
“It’s not enough? Alaina, this was never part of our deal.”
“No, I know. But it was never part of the deal for me to fall in love with you either. But I did. I have.”
“You can’t take it from me,” he said, walking across the space, his voice intense. “You can’t offer me this, and then take it away from me.”
“I’m not. I didn’t. I’m not taking it away from you. I love you. I love you, but I need you to love me.”
“You will not leave me,” he said. “You can’t fucking leave me.”
“I don’t want to leave you, Gus. I want you to love me. I want you to...to deal with whatever that thing is inside of you that is keeping you from doing it. Because if I don’t demand that you do it, you’re never going to be able to give me what I want. You’re never going to be able to give our child what they deserve. And I won’t be able to be a good example. I won’t be able to be a good mother. And I want... I want nothing more than to try to get comfortable with this. I want to stay with you. I want this to be enough. I want to have sex with you every night and sleep with you, and stay with you. I want your body, and I want your hands on me. And I want to live with you. But I want your heart and I want your soul, and if I don’t demand it...then neither of us will get everything we deserve. Because one-sided love doesn’t lead anywhere.”
“I need you,” he said, his voice sounding broken. “Alaina, I need you. You can’t just be there for me, and then not be.”
“Then love me. Love me enough to do whatever you need to do to...”
“What if it’s all bullshit? What if there’s nothing more than this? What if there’s nothing more? Then how can you say that you really love me if you can’t take me exactly like I am? How?”
