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“You don’t mean us.”
“I’m not talking about last night, no. But maybe there’s always going to be a certain level of discomfort. With things. I don’t know. I’m not... There’s a reason that I didn’t want to do this with you.”
He just kept saying that, over and over. It made no sense, not when he clearly wanted her. “Well, I guess it’s time to get down to that reason.”
“I just can’t... There’s a certain amount of distance that I keep between me and people in my life. It just is what it is. I never wanted to trap you with me.”
“But you did propose to me.”
“Yeah, I did. Because I’m weak, it turns out. And I wanted to have it both ways. I wanted to have you without having you. And I lied to myself enough to think that I could. And... I’m a little blown away by that. Because I’ve always felt like I was pretty damn honest. With myself and other people. But I managed to get one over on myself pretty good with you. But I wasn’t going to touch you. Except...”
“You did.”
“Yeah, I did.”
“You really did want me?” And she felt a little bit raw and foolish asking that.
“You have no idea.” He let out a hard breath. “I know what I am. There’s a reason that I go out of town to hook up. I’m sorry about what I said last night. It was an asshole thing to say.”
“So it wasn’t true?”
He laughed, a bitter sound. “Oh no, it was true. I just shouldn’t have said it to you like that. It was unkind. And I don’t actively try to be mean to you. I promise. It’s just sometimes I come off that way. Because sometimes I’m... Well, sometimes I’m mean. There you go.”
“But you wanted me,” she persisted. “And I want to know when. How.”
“I can’t quite explain why it happened. I was so pissed off at myself. There you were, so pretty. Eighteen and...you made me feel like I was sick in my soul. A scarred up guy my age wanting you. But there’s something about you. I don’t know if you know it, or if you can see it. But you sparkle, mite. You really do. You always have. And it used to scare me, all that fire in you. Because I know how fire can burn you up. But also, I... I liked it. Because I know that I can’t let myself burn hot like that.”
“You were just always there to put me out.”
“Yeah. But then it became something else.”
“Angus McCloud,” she said, her heart going tight. “Did you have a crush on me?”
“No,” he said, laughing. “I wanted to strip your clothes off you and lay you down in my bed and corrupt you. And I don’t think that’s the same as a crush.”
A heat wave washed over her. “No. It isn’t. It really isn’t.”
She had sort ofhopedhe had a crush. Because it would’ve felt soft and special and sweet. Like she kept trying to say that he was.
But all of this reframed his offer of marriage. It came from a place of possessiveness, rather than affection. And she just always thought that maybe she and Gus had something kind of special that way.
“So...does it mean you don’t...like meparticularly?”
“I do,” he said. “The same way I always have. It’s just that when you got grown up, then I also wanted to sleep with you.”
“So, you’ve been into me for like six years.”
“Yep.”
He said it so easily. Like it was a fact. “I didn’t know.”
“I know. You said that already. But you didn’t know because I didn’t want anyone to know. Because I never intended to act on it.”
“But now we have.”
“Yeah.”
“Should I... I mean... My room...”
