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She did wonder, though, how much of it was that he didn’t know he was lying. Just how much he had detached himself from the truths way down in his soul.
“Gus,” she said softly. “Where are you taking us?”
“I think even more importantly, I’ll tell you, it was Violet who made the food.”
“Violet was at the Sullivans’ all day.”
“I know. She made this for me yesterday.”
She blinked up at him in confusion. “But you were mad at me yesterday.”
“Not the whole day. I had planned ahead on providing a meal for you. Because you’ve been doing so much.”
“Thank you.”
“I do want to make sure...” He shook his head. “What are you getting out of this?”
“As of last night about six orgasms. But, I don’t think that’s what you mean.”
“No. And I need to know. I’m older than you, and I’ve had fantasies about you I’ve suppressed for a long time, and hell... I have to make sure it’s not my own enthusiasm driving this.”
“It’s not, Gus. Believe me.”
“One thing I want to settle on is...exactly why you want to take care of the house. Of me.”
“For a long time, I thought that maybe I wanted adventure somewhere else. But I think what I really always wanted was something that was mine. Something no one could take away from me. Everything changed when my dad left. My mom became a different person. And then when she left, the house became totally different. My sisters changed the ranch, and they sort of did it all by consensus, and not on purpose, but they didn’t ask me. And everything that I knew slipped through my fingers so damn quickly... This, having a partnership. Having something that belongs to us both... That means something to me. The idea of having a baby...a child that I love, that no one can take from me...it actually makes me happy. I’m coming to that conclusion, anyway. The thing is... I hadn’t put a lot of thought into what I wanted from my life. I just had a lot of feelings. And I avoided the difficult ones. But the problem with avoiding difficult things is you can’t set real goals. You just flail around a lot and feel like things aren’t fair, or they aren’t right, or they aren’t working. But now I feel calmer. Like I can sit back and see what truly works for me. And what truly doesn’t. But this little place that I’m carving for myself at McClouds’...it feels good.”
He looked pleased, and she liked to see that. “Well, I’m glad to hear it.”
She looked out the window, at the dense groves of trees, the ferns down at the base of them. It was beautiful here. Rich and green. And all that beauty made her heart ache. And when she looked at Gus, her heart stilled.
“Marrying me really was a grander-than-necessary gesture, Gus. All you had to do was kiss me. Does it bother you to realize you could have had me for cheaper?”
He turned to face her, his brow lifted. “You keep saying things like that, and then you get mad if I say anything...”
She bit her lip.
“That’s why I get mad,” she said. “Because I’m afraid that’s what you think.”
He blew out a breath. “No, I’m not mad. Because I didn’t want you cheap. I wanted you for keeps.”
The sound of the tires on the gravel filled the cab and rumbled through her chest.
And the truck wound around the side of a mountain, rising in elevation, and he didn’t stop driving until they reached the very top of it. Parked on the edge of the cliff face that looked out over the ranch below. And it was like looking down at a scale model. Bright green patchwork that made up the Kings’, and the Garretts’. The big pond and endless orchards at the Sullivans’. And the lush green of the McClouds’. The river winding through it. It was beautiful to see it like this.
“It’s everything,” she said. “All of us.”
“It sure is. I love this place. And I know what you mean. About building something that feels real. That feels like it’ll last. Because so much of it... It doesn’t. So much of life just keeps on changing. And I had a whole childhood of things just getting worse and worse... I wanted to make things better. There was a point where I decided I wanted to make them better.”
“Was the collective...? The way that things are run now, was that your idea?”
“Not me by myself. The Kings had a lot to do with it.”
“Why don’t they really socialize with anyone?”
“Shit, I don’t know. I assume they have their own demons. But I respect the heads they collectively have on their shoulders when it comes to managing things. They’re fine ranchers. What they do with their cattle operation is genius. It’s a lot of work, and they’re willing to do it. We don’t need to be friends.”
“Yeah. I guess not. So you and the Kings.”
