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We sat in silence for a long time, neither of us saying a word. Georgia said nothing, only occasionally reaching over to rub my knee or pat my arm sympathetically. I glanced at the time on my phone again. It was almost six o'clock. I wondered if this day was ever going to end, or if it was going to be a never-ending nightmare of waiting for the phone to ring or for him to return.
"You gotta tell me something, Josie. Did you and Stefan have a fight?" Georgia asked. She rubbed my arm softly, sighing heavily. She was obviously at a loss as to what to do or say and I wasn't giving her much to work with.
Shaking my head, my voice sounded monotone when I spoke. "A fight," I snorted, running my fingers through my tangled hair for what had to be the 50th time of the day. "No, I don't know what the hell is going on, Georgia. Normally if he goes somewhere, he leaves me a note. There's no note. He's gone," I paused for a moment as the realization of my own words sunk in. My voice cracked when I was finally able to speak again. "He's gone. "
"Honey, he could be at the store. Or home. Maybe he's running errands or doing something besides being up your ass. " Georgia waved her hand in dismissal. "Men are a dime a dozen. There's a hundred of him out there, Josie. You shouldn't be tied down anyway. You're young and. . . "
"I don't want a hundred other men," I snapped, my eyes stinging with tears. "I want him. I finally find him and now he's gone. "
"Holy fucking hell. You love him?" Georgia asked, her voice incredulous and raising in volume. "You love him?! Josie, what the fuck?"
I went silent again. He'd left me, just like everyone else. I should have known it would happen. I shouldn't have trusted my foolish heart that he wouldn't leave me. My head fell back against the back of the couch, feeling weariness and the bitterness of betrayal wash over me.
Georgia finally rose to her feet and disappeared into the kitchen. I vaguely heard her talking on her phone to someone, her voice was barely above a whisper. She was probably tired of the silent treatment I was dishing out. To be honest, I really didn't care if I talked to anyone again. I closed my eyes and my mind went numb, losing track of reality and time.
Hearing a knock on the door, I jumped to my feet and nearly ripped the door off its hinges in my haste to open it. I was expecting to see Stefan on the other side of the door and I felt my face break into a smile. It quickly faded when I saw it was Anna on the porch, her face pensive as she stared back at me. I simply turned around and left Anna standing in the doorway to flop back down on the couch, cradling my head in my hands.
Their conversation as it went on around me and I made no effort to contribute. I sat sullenly on the couch in my bathrobe, my insides feeling like they were being tortuously ripped apart.
"How long has she been like this?" I heard Anna ask in a hushed tone.
"Hours. She won't tell me anything except she thinks he's gone," Georgia answered, her voice quiet.
"He left her? Without saying goodbye? I don't believe it. I saw the way he looked at her," Anna paused for a moment. "There has to be an explanation Lukas said-"
I'd finally heard enough of their speculating and whispering. "He fucking left me. What's so fucking hard to understand? Everyone leaves me eventually," I yelled out in a harsh shriek. I took a deep breath, my voice breaking miserably. "I know you're trying to help but what I really need is to be alone. Please. "
Georgia and Anna looked at each other, their eyes wide and confused. This was a side of me that they'd never seen, the desperately scared woman that feared being left behind. Neither knew what to do or say.
"Please. I need to be alone. I just need quiet," I begged hoarsely.
They both tried to hug me goodbye but I'd pulled my knees up on the couch to rest under my chin, refusing to let them touch me. I waited until I heard the door close before I reached to pull Stefan's t-shirt from behind the pillow and hugged it against my chest. I curled into a ball on the couch with my face pressed into the soft fabric, the smell of him on the shirt pushing me over the edge I'd teetered on all day.
I sobbed into the shirt, soaking it with my tears. I berated myself as I cried, angry that I'd let him in and furious that I hadn't had the nerve to tell him how I felt. I'd turned into the person I said I'd never be, the pathetic woman that cried over a man. Inhaling a shaky breath, I closed my eyes against the flood of tears that were spilling from my eyes.
It was at that precise moment that I realized how much I loved him and I'd let him slip through my fingers without ever telling him. I'd been too scared and I had to live with my regret now.
The hours dragged by and I eventually cried myself out, my eyes swollen and my mouth was dry. I staggered to the bathroom, still clutching his shirt. I grabbed a sleeping pill from the bottle in the medicine cabinet and swallowed it with a handful of water from the sink.
Stumbling into the bedroom, I collapsed in a heap on the bed. I'd assumed I was too exhausted to cry again until I found myself laying on the pillow Stefan had slept on. It smelled like him; sandalwood, the salty ocean and something that was just uniquely him. Tears choked me and sobs shook my shoulders. Crying was the last thing I remembered doing until I fell into a dreamless sleep, my fingers still holding on to his shirt.
***
Blinking against the sun streaming across the bed the next morning, my eyes w
ere swollen and puffy from a night's worth of crying. I was considering staying in bed with the covers over my head for the day. I'd clung to the dwindling hope that he'd contact me but he'd disappeared as if he was a figment of my imagination.
I finally forced myself to get up out of the bed and quickly stripped the sheets from the bed. Walking to the small washer in the utility closet between the bathroom and the kitchen, I shoved the sheets into the washer. I added detergent and started the machine, slamming the door closed on the washer. I couldn't endure smelling him in my bed anymore. The best thing I could do was to wipe him from my memory, as if he didn't exist.
Just the thought of him not existing was like a knife twisting in my heart. I just didn't want to feel anymore, it simply hurt too much.
I went into the bathroom, untying the robe and letting it drop to the floor. I turned on the shower, adjusting the temperature and almost sobbed when the memory of him being in the shower with me flashed through my mind. I could almost feel his hands on my skin, his mouth on my lips and breasts.
I felt a tear escape and run down my cheek as I stepped into the shower and began washing myself automatically and as quickly as possible. I didn't want to spend any more time in the shower than necessary. The memories of being pressed against the wall and the way he felt inside of me was too strong and too powerful to think about right now.
Turning off the water, I rubbed the towel over my skin and I walked naked into the bedroom. I went to the closet, pulling on jeans and a blue fitted t-shirt over my head. Grabbing a large duffel bag, I started throwing a few changes of clothes inside. I zipped it partially closed, picking it up and heading to the living room. I unplugged my cell phone charger from the wall, tucking it inside the bag. I had my phone in my hand, dialing Anna's number.
She answered on the second ring. "Josie?"
