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I know that there is no sense behind my feelings. Logic played no role in falling for these men.You need to choose!My own voice, vehement and slightly furious, has replaced Agatha’s voice.
I know that I should choose one of them. In fact, I know that both Ihohka and Brilyk are expecting me to make a choice.I have tried thinking it through. I have made a list of pros and cons. But the list never works out in the end.
I can’t choose!
I shout this silently back at the furious voice in my head. I am quite sure that choosing one of them and discarding the other would be like losing a limb. And I don’t think I’m willing to lose anymore of myself than I already have.
Two.
Yesterday I added mulch to the patch of dirt that Ihohka gave me. Being in the sun again was the best feeling in the world. But turning the soil and getting my hands muddy with wet dirt didn’t help me think clearly the way I thought it would.
Today I am adding small seedlings. I sit back on my haunches, disgusted with myself, as I realize that I planted three of the seedling’s upside down. I scratch through the dirt, using the small trowel that the Infnore groundskeeper found for me, and carefully take the seedlings out of the ground.
Their leaves were damaged by the force with which I shoved them into the ground, and hot tears of frustration well up in my eyes.
Why did I fall for both of them?
Why couldn’t things be easier?
Why couldn’t I have just chosen one of them?
I am in love with two men. Although sometimes, in the night, when I am alone in bed and angry with myself for getting into this situation, I think that maybe I don’t love them.
Maybe it is all in your head.
But then morning comes, and I know that I am falling for them more and more every day.
There is no getting away from this.
There is no getting away from either of them.
You have to choose!
There is no way to choose without losing myself completely.
I get back onto my knees, and concentrate on getting the other seedlings into the ground properly.
One.
I don’t think I can do this.
I am skipping dinner tonight. Usually Ihohka and I have dinner together, or if he is unavailable because of his duties, I have a sandwich with Brilyk. But tonight I don’t want to see either of them.
Sometimes I hate them,I think furiously as I scrub the dirt off my hands. Then I pull my clothes off and get into the bath which the zagfers fill with hot water at the same time every night.
I spent all day avoiding both dark elves, and I did that by walking throughout the entire Infnore property. I walked until the muscles in my legs ached, but after a short rest, I kept walking. I only turned around when the sun started setting.
And you only did that because Ihohka would have sent a search party out for you if you got back late.
Sometimes I wonder at the intensity with which he loves me.
Brilyk would have come looking for you himself, with weapons in hand.
I shiver even though the bathwater is warm. Brilyk loves me as intensely as Ihohka does.
Is that why you can’t choose?
There is a knock on the bedroom door when I pull on a night dress. My shoulders stiffen as I walk over to it.
