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I pray to the Thirteen that it isn’t either of them. I cannot deal with them right now.
“Miss?” I exhale with relief at the sight of the zagfer on the other side of the door.
“The Master had me send up dinner for you.”
I take the tray gratefully and thank her. Ihohkalovesme. When I look out the window after I have eaten, I see Brilyk standing beneath my window. He is keeping guard however he can, because he knows he isn’t welcome outside my door right now.
Brilyklovesme.
I only have one heart. How am I supposed to choose? Why should I choose? “I’ve made space for both of them in one heart. Why is this so difficult.”
I fall into a fitful sleep that night. When I wake up, the sun is streaming into my bedroom, and I realize that I have overslept.
Maybe,the thought forms slowly in my head as I prepare for the day,maybe you should tell them that you’re not going to choose.Maybe I should just put my foot down. Maybe I should just say that I want both of them.
And if they can’t live with that, then I don’t want either of them. But I don’t want to choose.
Please don’t make me choose.
I do not leave my room all day. Instead, I pace up and down, despite the ache in my muscles from the day before.
I’ll tell them that I’m not going to choose.
My thoughts become braver as the day grows older. But when dusk arrives, and I am exhausted from thinking and walking, all I can do is burst into tears.
Please don’t make me choose.The thought of choosing shatters me. The thought of losing either of them is more than I can bear.
23
BRILYK
Today is the first day in my entire life that I’ve ever woken up without a notion of what to do. I thought I was on the right course with Ellie, even giving her a bit of breathing room to let her feelings for me blossom but last night seemingly changed everything.
Ihoka had clearly been emerging from her room. It disgusts me to think of what it was they were up to, but I can’t change the fact that they got intimate.
Ellie is upset at both of us. I think Ihokha is just as shaken up as I am, for when Ellie returned to her room, the leader of Infnore and I parted ways without saying a word to each other.
It was a sleepless night for me, and one that I shall never forget. I find no willpower to do anything as I sit on the edge of my bed, twiddling my fingers mindlessly. I don’t even have the strength to go by Ellie’s side and keep watch over her, though I’m positive she doesn’t want me near her.
“It doesn’t matter anyway,” I moan to myself. “At least Fohri isn’t here to see it, but I have a bigger problem than him right now…”
I face a more dangerous issue at hand. There still stands the matter of his brother, Ihokha, knowing who I really am and what my true intentions are. “This is bad… He’s not some random guard I can have taken care of. He’s Fohri’s brother, and for him to suddenly vanish would only rouse an investigation.”
Even now, there looms the threat of danger, I keep an eye on the door to my quarters, my hand gripping a dagger beneath my pillow. Yet, I’m not the only one whose life is at risk.
Gavarn and the other leaders are at risk of being discovered. The whole rebellion is close to crumbling, all of our efforts wasted to ash. Above all else, I find my mind constantly returning to the thought of one woman.
Ellie… I hope you’re okay.
I wrestle with the thought of going to see her. It’s dangerous for me to even step outside of my room. For all I know, Ihokha has guards standing right outside with axes raised, ready to slice my head clean off. Still, even my anxieties pale in comparison to what I feel for the girl.
I must see her face again… But first, I must attend to other matters.
Remembering the lives at risk, I mull over a plan to go and see Gavarn. As much as it will pain me to do, the assassination planned for Fohri must be called off. At this point, it’s too much of a risk to take with what Ihokha knowing everything about my ties to the rebel cause.
Each beat of my heart pumps a fresh wave of anxiety through me, knowing that Ihokha could easily leak my information. He could already have done so. If that was to happen, they’d no doubt trace my ties to Gavarn and the others, then we’d all be executed.
The less time I waste here, the better.
