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“Lola,” he said, and smiled.
“I don’t think…I mean, can we not?”
“Of course,” said Alex, sitting back, pulling away, adjusting the rumpled lapels of his jacket. “I’m sorry, I just thought that…”
“It’s really fine,” I said. “It’s not like—not like I don’t want to. But…”
“Huh?” said Alex. “But what?”
“But this isn’t right.”
“Isn’t this what you want?”
“It’s what part of me wants. But another part knows, you see? That it isn’t good when…” I put one hand towards me and the other towards him. I couldn’t say it out loud—the very thought of it would only inflame my desire more.
“Oh,” said Alex. “I see.”
“So I was thinking, maybe we should just stay friends. After all, you’re my boss.”
“Well, can I see you again? Like this?”
“Maybe that’s not a good idea either.”
“You didn’t have a nice time?”
“No,” I said, “I’m not saying that.”Will you…just…listen?I thought for a moment, though I didn’t say it. I didn’t want to be cruel. Not to him. Not even after everything that had happened between us.
“I just think we need to keep things in perspective,” I said.
“And the perspective you want is one in which we don’t see each other like this anymore?”
“Yeah. I think we should just be…well, not friends, friends see each other. Friendly co-workers, let’s say. Colleagues.”
I hated this. Hated to disappoint him, hated to do this to him. Even though I was well within my rights. In Bali, in the restaurant that time, my head had said no, and my heart said yes.
Well, this time,I told myself,my head will win out.
I wasn’t going to let myself get dragged into everything again.
“Is that okay?” I said.
Alex looked up. I could see his cheeks redden a bit. He looked embarrassed. I realized how tough this must be for him, but he couldn’t see what I could see.
He might look at me and see a woman from his past, a beautiful woman who he’d let down, with whom he wanted to make it right.
But I saw someone different. I saw someone who was off limits for me, for whom our sexual relationship, while joyful and incredible in the moment, was only going to cause us pain.
And I couldn’t do it. Not to him, and not to Macy.
“I’ll see you round, okay?” I said.
“Okay,” said Alex. I could tell he was angry, but he was holding it in. He was trying to be nice. Trying not to be a jerk. And I tried to remember that as I got out of the car.
“Just like I said,” muttered Alex. “First they say one thing, then they do another.”
He shut the door and drove off, leaving me on the sidewalk. Confused, angry, and alone again.
It was good to get home, good to see Macy. But the thought lingered long after I’d put my head on the pillow and closed my eyes. In front of me, I saw the city below, the gorgeous map of Manhattan under my eyes. The beautiful dinner. The warm, kind man who’d charmed me. Who’d betrayed me. Who’d delighted me. Who’d scorned me.
