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Jess walked beside Matt without saying another word. What was there to say? Her own husband didn’t want to kiss her or come to her bed. She allowed the numbness to take her over completely. It was better than the alternative. She felt a sudden sense of déjà vu because she’d used that phrase before in regard to Matt.
Matt retrieved the swipe card to her room from his pocket. Annabeth must have given it to him at some point during their goodnights. He opened the door for her and waved her to step inside. She couldn’t move those last few inches without looking at him one more time. When she did her eyes begged for an explanation, something to make her feel less worthless.
Matt sighed, lifted her chin gently in his palm, and softly said, “It’s going to be fine. I promise.” The compassion in his eyes blew her away.
Then his lips brushed hers like the wings of a butterfly before he left her standing there all alone. Her fingers reached for her mouth to hold that last kiss to her quivering lips. She was shaking, afraid the warmth would leave her, that the kiss would flutter away on the butterfly’s wings, and she’d crumble to the floor on that spot.
A sob slipped through her defenses. Her skin was freezing, and her heart was barely beating. She entered the hotel room in a zombie-like state. She sought warmth. Jess climbed on the bed and wrapped herself in the fluffy duvet. She rocked back and forth in an effort to get warm. After thirty minutes of frustration, she realized she had no body heat for the duvet to capture. Shivering from head to toe, she undressed and went to the shower where instant heat was available.
Her teeth were chattering, and the shivering was uncontrollable. It hurt. Her whole life was nothing but pain. She made the water so hot she came close to scalding herself. After a few moments, it ended the shivering. However, it had another side effect, one she’d rather have done without. It brought the numbness that kept her sane to an end. All her anxiety and self-pity returned to haunt her.
She dried her now red skin and grabbed the robe the hotel had thoughtfully provided off its hook. She wrapped it tightly around her body, tight enough to imagine it was someone’s arms holding her since she lacked the real thing. Two weddings in two days; one fulfilled, the other not; one planned, the other an extraordinary surprise, yet here she sat all alone in a fancy room that was meant to be a honeymoon haven. The bed was enormous and meant for two people to share as they began their life together. Jess drew up her knees, wrapped her arms around them, and laid her head on them. She tried to understand why things were so messed up.
It all began and ended with Spencer. There was no other explanation. She’d loved him, and in a way, still did. She’d thought he loved her. He’d said he did. Why else would he have proposed? He must have been pretending all along, but why? It wasn’t for sex because she’d already given him that. Had he been using her for something? If so, what?
Love and hate were two sides of one coin. Jess flipped it over as she considered Spencer. There was hate for what he’d done to her, for what he’d led her to believe she meant to him. It simmered beneath the love and longing. She missed him, damn him! It wasn’t fair that he was still in her thoughts and her heart, but then, life wasn’t supposed to be fair, was it? Hadn’t her mother told her that since childhood?
However, this was a whole new level of unfairness. What was wrong with her, Jess asked herself. Was she broken in some manner that brought about rejection? Was her soul ugly? Did she lack something other women had?
Two rejections by two different men told her it was her fault. There wasn’t any way to put the blame on them since she was the common denominator. It had to be her. She’d said or done something wrong. Maybe she was wired wrong. Perhaps she asked more of men than they could give. Did she push them so much that they pushed back or walked away?
None of her ideas gave her an answer to her dilemma. She’d drawn the men to her, hadn’t she? So, she had something they’d liked or wanted. They’d both offered marriage. She just wasn’t able to figure out why then they’d both walked away from her without a backward glance.
At least, Matt had gone through with the wedding, or so it appeared. For all she knew, the whole thing was a fake. He had the money and the power to pull off that kind of scheme, but he wouldn’t do that. Deep inside her, she knew Matt wasn’t that type of man. He wasn’t evil. Scheming? Yes. He was a gambler, which made scheming a prerequisite. Evil and cruel? No. His eyes showed compassion and kindness. She wasn’t misreading that.
Why had he come to her rescue? If he considered himself to be some kind of knight in shining armor, why hadn’t he just forgiven her debt, allowed her to pay it off slowly, or forced her to work for the hotel? Why had he made a deal that included marriage? What did he want out of it?
It certainly wasn’t sex. She offered, even stripped naked in the elevator to give herself to him, and she’d have gone much farther in her drunken, pity party state. He’d shoved her off, turned her down flat, and said she was humiliating herself.
He’d left her alone with a gentle kiss and sadness on his face. The sadness had been for her she finally realized. He’d said she shouldn’t have to humiliate herself for anyone. Was that what she’d been doing with Spencer as well as Matt? Was that the reason for all the rejections?
She did have a tendency to blame herself for everything that went wrong in her little piece of the world. She still believed trouble followed her around. She felt she brought it on herself. Why was it so wrong to see the truth in your own faults?
Jess fell onto her side and curled into a ball. She was sad and lonely. She was sure that would always be the case from now on. What else was she to think? She was married! It was a loveless marriage of convenience. At least, it was convenient for her. She was automatically free of debt, which should make her feel happy. A huge burden had been lifted off her sagging shoulders. She wasn’t in jail, so why was she suddenly sobbing uncontrollably?
She knew exactly why. She was a worthless human being. She was unlovable. She was a sad, pitiful excuse for a woman. Sure, the outside was pretty, maybe even hot, but her inside was screwed up beyond repair. No amount of therapy was going to fix this mess. Any legitimate therapist would laugh their ass off when she explained her situation. She’d laugh herself except that she knew it would turn into hysteria. She was close to that already.
Where was Matt now? Had he gone back to the party without her and made some excuse to Annabeth as to why he wasn’t making love to his bride? Did he say she’d passed out from too much champagne? Annabeth was sure to believe him. Her brother wasn’t going to lie to her.
Was he sitting somewhere with his buddies, laughing at the stupid woman who’d been so scared and gullible that she’d agreed to marry him? No, she didn’t see that. She saw him at a table raking in money as he gambled the night away.
Her entire body shook with her sobs. She was devastated and sick. Why was the only man who wanted her as his wife a crazy, impulsive, rich gambler? She needed him if for nothing else than to pay off her debts. She thought she might need him for more if she’d allow her mind to admit it, but he didn’t need her. He had everything he wanted at his fingertips, so what was she? A bet?
The idea of being a bet made the tears flow faster. She couldn’t stand the thought of being a pawn in some game. Matt had another motive, didn’t he? She was useful for something. She had to be, or she’d never be able to live with herself.
Her body was wracked with sobs as her shaking hand lifted her cell phone. She desperately wanted to call Matt but realized she didn’t have his phone number. The irony of it nearly broke her in half.
With tears running like rain down her cheeks, eyes so swollen she could barely see the phone screen, and fingers that wouldn’t stop shaking, Jess sent a text message to her parents. She told them she was married then cried until the wee hours of the morning and soon fell asleep.
21
The first thing Jessica felt after she came into consciousness was a blinding pain in her eyes. They were red and swollen as she tried to rub the sleep from them. She felt groggy and tired despite just waking up. The clock on the bedside table showed it was 8:56 am. She had overslept, which was very unusual for her. Being a nurse and someone tight on financial situations, paying for her education by doing her job multiple shifts a week, Jessica could never afford to sleep in late. She looked around the unfamiliar room, her mind taking a little time to catch up to her surroundings.
Oh, right. This is my marriage bed, and I’m alone in here. My unexpected new husband left me alone last night.
Just as the clock hit 9 am, there was a knock at the door. Jessica had no idea who it could be. She grabbed a robe, laid it out over the chair, and wrapped it around herself before walking over to the door and cracking it open to see who was outside. A neatly dressed woman stood there with a polite smile on her face.
“Good morning, Mrs. Miller. I am your assistant Natalie. Mr. Miller told me to come to wake you up at 9 am and help you get ready,” she said in a voice that sounded gentle.
