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How can I even begin to attempt to let someone else love me when I’m not even sure I love myself?
“Claire, fuck that guy! It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. And all the things that Aaron was too busy missing out on, other people were busy loving. Me, Casey, Dex, Vivi…Avery. We love you for you and we always have, always will.” She squeezes my cheeks between her palms, her boozy, hot breath coating my lips, infiltrating my sense of smell. It makes me woozy. “Let Avery show you that those things you used to love about yourself are still perfect and worthy of so, so much love. Not just his, or another guy’s, but your own.”
She pats my head affectionately and gives me a sad smile. “You don’t actually want him to see other people.”
“No,” I choke, head wagging back and forth wildly. “It would kill me.”
“Then why? Why did you say that?”
I hold my palms up. “I have no fucking clue. It just seemed…it just seemed easier. Like, if I was the one to push him away before he could get too close.”
“If you could leave him before he leaves you? That maybe it wouldn’t hurt so much?”
Wiping the heel of my palm up my snotty, sniffling nose, I nod.
“Claire.” She smooths my hair back from my sopping cheeks. “Honestly, how do you sleep at night?”
Oh, that’s an easy one. “I sleep at night knowing I’m irreparably damaged and will most likely die surrounded by twenty-five cats due to my inability to communicate, accept love, or behave in a socially acceptable manner.”
Charlee laughs, her forehead hitting my chest. When she straightens, her expression is both soft and firm, full of love but unwilling to let me go on like this. “I see your pain, Claire, and I know it’s big, just like your fears. But I also see your love, your heart, and that’s so much bigger. Sometimes I worry that you don’t see that, that you don’t see your strength, your ability to keep pushing forward. Have the courage to try this, to open yourself up. Don’t let somebody tear you down. I know this is hard, but sometimes the hard things wind up being the best things.”
“But…it’s too soon, isn’t it?”
“Too soon for what?”
“I don’t know…everything?” I scratch my head and then gnaw on a Twizzler while I think. “Too soon for me to be in a new relationship. Too soon for me to trust again. Too soon for me to…fall in love? I mean, I’ve only known Avery a few weeks and we spend half our time fighting with each other.”
Charlee snickers. “You don’t fight; you bicker like an old married couple. You tease each other. It’s different. I mean, that thing this morning was a fight, but everything else…that’s just chemistry. Two people wild for each other.” She grabs her own Twizzler and takes a bite before pointing it at me, right along with her brows. “You have to learn to loosen your grip a little bit and let go, let things happen the way they’re supposed to.”
“Lets the chips fall where they may?”
Her licorice turns into a happy little whip when she smacks me in the shoulder. “Exactly. Sure, the timing isn’t right, or at least that’s what you think. It’s too soon, you just had your heart broken, you’re not ready, blah blah blah…You could come up with a million excuses, and I know you have. But what if the timing is exactly right? What if Avery came into your life at the moment you needed him most? To remind you what it feels like to be alive, to show you what love and real passion looks like?”
In all her highly intoxicated state and mine, Charlee’s making a load of sense. A boatload. Like, toss me overboard because I just truly realized how hugely I fucked up and it’s about the size of the ocean.
“He asked me to be his date to the fundraiser tomorrow,” I murmur, pulling my lip between my fingers.
“Do you want to be with him, Claire? Like, really be with him? All the way? Because after today, you can’t just stick your toe in the water. You have to dive right in.”
“How do you manage to give such good advice after an unprecedented amount of shady brown liquor that tastes like a mixture of death, gasoline, and fire?”
Her shoulders pop up and down. “It’s a talent of mine.”
I bite my lip. I chew on it. I gnaw on that thing until I taste blood. “Yes,” I finally say. “I want to get on the diving board.”
Her brows pinch together. “You lost me.”
“Well, you said that thing about diving…” I slice my hand through the air. “Ah, forget it. I want to be with Avery.” I swear there’s a whooshing feeling coming from my chest. I clutch it and let out a nervous giggle. I shake out my arms, my shoulders. “Holy shit. That feels so good to say.”
Charlee bounds forward, tackling me to the floor. “See how good it feels when you’re true to yourself? Look at you, my little Claire Bear!” She gets all up in my face, trying to pinch my cheeks. “I’m so proud of you!” Rolling off me, she shoves my phone into my chest. “Now call him.”
Giggling, I press one hand to my hot cheeks while my thumb hovers over his contact, the picture of him and Vivi I took last weekend. I pause. “Shouldn’t I talk to him in person? And preferably when I’m sober?” Something tells me he’d appreciate that more than a drunk phone call.
The dip of Charlee’s brows tells me that she’s disappointed she won’t get to sit in on the phone call. She sighs, shoulders sagging. “Yeah, you’re right. Being sober definitely seems important. Bet he’d appreciate a grand gesture at the fundraiser.”
I’m not big into grand gestures, but I’m sure it’ll be the perfect time to talk to him, to make this right, so long as he’s willing to hear me out after a day to cool off.
“Yeah, I love this plan,” Charlee says, head bopping, even though she’s the one that came up with it. She shoves a handful of popcorn into her mouth before grabbing her phone. “I’m gonna text my brother to let him know that you and I will be needing lots of extra breaks tomorrow and a greasy breakfast spread.” She points her phone at me. “Pose with your drink so he knows I’m serious.”
