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I focused on the weight of her against me. Could she feel my heart beating, even in this deep sleep? This stasis?
“I had…I had a lot of trouble processing everything. The foolish mistakes that led to my capture. What I went through. Shea. What I did afterward. Sometimes, it was like I felt too much—the rage and also relief because I was free. And that felt wrong. There was also guilt. And all of it was so all-consuming that I couldn’t feel anything else.”
I smoothed my hand over her hair. “Sometimes, the sex, drugs, and drinking didn’t silence those feelings. The memories. So, that’s when I…” It was like my throat sealed up. Words failed me.
No, the words hadn’t failed me. They were still there, pushing against my lips. What stopped them was the…the godsawful shame, even after all these years. Even though I knew that what they’d done to me and what I’d been forced to do to others wasn’t my fault. I knew that.
But the mind, man…it liked to ignore that.
Still, I wouldn’t forget that the shame wasn’t mine.
“It was by accident—the first time I realized that pain could stop it all, just like sex,” I forced myself to say. I needed her to know, even if she couldn’t hear me. I needed to hear myself say it aloud. “I was training, getting my muscles to relearn how to be quick with a sword and even quicker with my feet, but it was too soon. I was still stuck too deep in my head. I wasn’t that present, even though Naill, who was working with me, didn’t notice.”
A dry, hateful laugh left me. “I learned how to hide it well from those I could. So, I slipped up, and he cut my chest. It wasn’t deep, but that bright, sharp pain didn’t thrust me back into the cage like I thought it would. Instead, it just…it silenced everything. It stunned me enough that it got through all that shit in my head. It stopped the thoughts, and gods, just having a minute of not being back there, not thinking about Malik or what I did or didn’t do… Just a fucking minute of silence was like getting release. Not just a physical one, but a mental one. Because there was this sense of calm afterward. Clarity.”
A tremor went through me. “Sometimes, I used a blade. Other times, my fangs.” My jaw worked. “Relief came the moment I saw red. Clearness. And it took way less effort than the sex did.” Another hard laugh left me as I shook my head. “The thing, though, Poppy? It didn’t last. It was only another escape. Except I was now hurting myself instead of another hurting me. You’d think I would’ve realized that right off the bat, but it took getting it out. Talking. I know that sounds cliché as fuck, but it’s the truth. Because while that was painful in a different kind of way, the release of putting all that nasty shit into words actually lasted.”
And it really had.
Of course, talking hadn’t been an immediate miracle fix. Talking that shit out took time. A whole lot of redirection. It took being honest, which wasn’t always easy when the natural reaction was to say that I was okay, even when I was a storm waiting to ignite on the inside.
I brushed my lips over the top of her head. “No one knows about any of that—what I used to do to escape everything.” My throat felt thick. “Except for Kieran. He knows. He had no choice with the bond.” And here came the real fucked-up thing to acknowledge. “What I was doing to myself was weakening him. You’d think that would’ve been enough to snap me out of it, seeing what it was doing to him, but it wasn’t. I was too lost in my head, though not lost enough that I didn’t know how fucking selfish it made me.”
“You weren’t selfish, Cas. You were in pain.”
A ragged breath went through me as my arms reflexively tightened around Poppy.
“Please, tell me you know that now.”
Opening my eyes, I looked down at the hand that held one of Poppy’s, one belonging to the only person I would trust irrevocably to touch her that way—to stay with her earlier while she was most vulnerable as I hastily cleaned the blood and sweat from myself. “I do.”
“Really?”
Taking another breath, I turned my head to where Kieran sat beside me, his shoulder against mine. He looked too damn solemn. “I forget that sometimes, but I do.”
“It’s okay to forget,” he said, his gaze searching mine. “As long as you remember later.”
A wry grin tugged at my lips. “Yeah, I know.” I swallowed. “I just wished I hadn’t put you through that.”
“I wish you hadn’t had to go through any of that shit,” he countered. “We can’t change anything, though.”
