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Once we got to Rafe’s room, I gathered my belongings. I’d booked a last-minute ticket to Cortese, knowing that I wouldn’t be returning with Devin to Milan. The next few days were going to be devoted to rest and preparation for the following race in Monaco, one I knew would test my resolve. Monaco had always been more about parties and the company one kept, rather than the race itself. I would no doubt be alone, and it would fuel more speculation about my relationship with Devin. The press had been waiting for us to fail, and it hadn’t taken us long.
“I have to get the rest of my things from Devin’s room,” I said, my heartbeat ticking up at the thought. The last thing I wanted was another run-in with him. Even though I’d been meticulous about collecting my things that morning, I had forgotten a few items.
“Do you want me to go instead?” Rafe asked.
“No, I doubt he’ll still be there. He’s probably at some bar, drowning his sorrows.”
“If there are any problems, you call me right away.”
“I will.”
I walked to the hotel. It was late in the evening, and my flight was scheduled for eleven, the last flight out. I had called Mom to tell her I would be home for a few days. Mom had already heard the rumors of the demise of the Flynn-Perez union and wanted confirmation. It amazed me how easily Mom obtained information. I was convinced she had spies all over the world watching both her children’s every move.
I gave Mom an overview of what had happened, but just talking about it made me emotional. I kept it together, though, and made the call as quick as possible. Mom could interrogate me more when I got home, which she would no doubt do. As I walked to the hotel room door, I wondered if maybe I should have gone to London to be with Jess and avoid my mother altogether. That was still an option.
I knocked and listened for any sign of activity, but there was none. I pressed my ear up against the door but heard nothing. I knocked one last time and waited a few moments before letting myself in. I jumped when I saw Devin sitting on the bed. He was dressed casually in a pair of jeans and a polo shirt. He was staring at me, but I was unable to read his face for any clues to his state of mind. His luggage was behind him, packed and ready to go.
“Why didn’t you answer when I knocked?” I said nervously. Seeing him again after such a short time was almost too much. Every part of me ached for him.
“I knew you would leave if I answered back,” he admitted, and he sounded humble.
“Are we over?” I asked, feeling a lump in my throat. I didn’t see a point in dragging this out. I watched him with desperation, and it seemed like forever until he reacted to the question. He looked down at his feet and began to wring his hands. My heart plummeted, knowing that he was about to tell me there was nothing left to salvage. I tried to breathe, but air was hard to come by.
“Luna, I am who I am, and a lot of people like to remember my mistakes. You may think I don’t care what people say, but it hurts. I just have a way of hiding it. Do you think I’m proud that my reputation is all about my female conquests and nothing more? I’d rather be known as a great driver, but that’s not my fate, I guess. But do you know what you do?” he asked, tilting his head.
I shook my head, bracing for what was coming.
“You never let me forget my faults.” His voice was quiet, all the fight gone out of him. “I don’t need a mirror held up to me; I do know right from wrong. I’m going to be honest with you: if I didn’t love you so fucking much, I wouldn’t have put up with this shit. Ninety percent of the time, I need you like I need my two hands, and the rest of the time I could just wring your neck. When I saw you walking out of the Roche motorhome, do you know what I thought?”
“No,” I whispered. I was leaning against the wall for support, too afraid of getting close to him.
“I thought you were going to leave me for him.”
I covered my face with my hands. He’d thought that? “I wasn’t, Devin. I don’t even like him.”
“Some people have said that he and I are the same,” Devin said with a derisive snort. “But somehow it’s fine that he does it. Like he’s the Casanova and I’m the gigolo. I’m not even the best at being a bad boy. I was sure he was putting the moves on you, and I guess it made sense to me. If I could fool you into falling in love with me with all my faults, then you’d probably fall madly in love with him after two minutes. It was inevitable.
“And the whole Charlotte thing, I shouldn’t have been so flippant about it. I was trying to downplay it so it wouldn’t be yet another failing for you to count against me.”
He was showing his insecurities, and it made me want to reach out to him, but I kept a careful distance. I needed to let him talk it out. So I said, “You told me not to believe what other people say.”
“Sometimes they say it so often that it becomes fact. When he wouldn’t let me pass this afternoon, I started getting angry. I thought of him and you together, and I couldn’t stand it. Maybe it’s justice for all the times I’ve done that to other people. So in my head I gave him one more chance to get out of my way. When he didn’t, I went for it anyway. It was a stupid thing to do, and I know I’m going to pay for it. I’ve apologized to him, but I know the federation is going to bring me before the board for punishment.”
“I wish none of this had ever happened,” I said.
“So do I.”
“And now what?”
“I think we need a little space from each other,” Devin said, unable to look at me. “I think if we give each other some time to think about this, it will work itself out. I don’t want you to walk out of my life.”
“I don’t want you walking out of mine either,” I said, feeling no more secure than I had before I’d knocked on the door. “I’ve booked a flight home. To Cortese.”
“I’ll drive you to the airport,” he said, standing up. “I think we need to put on a united front to get the paps off our backs.”
“Good idea,” I said. But it was in painful silence that I finished collecting my things from the room. We barely looked at each other as we made our way out of the hotel or as we drove to the airport. Even though we were together, I felt all alone.
He walked me into the airport, and I tried to look happy, or at least content as we checked my bags and he escorted me to security. He leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. Even there, I saw a few cell phones being whipped out for pictures, and I tried not to cry.
