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I’d made it halfway up the flight when my foot slipped. A yelp escaped me as I collapsed against the stairs, just barely catching myself with my hands. The murmurs went quiet at my shout, and I heard the thundering of footsteps coming closer. I scrambled to my feet, fear and adrenaline overtaking the pain enough to get me moving again. I made it a whole three more stairs up before a voice spoke behind me.
“?????…”
I was hit with both relief and guilt, the combination dizzying. Of all the people, it had to be Viktor that showed up in the middle of my escape attempt. And he wasn’t alone. There were several men behind him, all watching me as I slowly turned to face him. But it was the look on Viktor’s face that crushed me. He looked worried and disappointed, but underneath that, he also looked… hurt.
“I-I-” I had no idea what to say. I told him I’d stay put, and I deliberately disobeyed him. If he was my ex, I’d expect immediate repercussions. Since he was Viktor, I had no idea what he would do.
“She is finally out of her room. That is a good sign, yes?”
The men who stood behind Viktor eyed me curiously. I couldn’t really pay attention to them, though. I was glued to Viktor, trying to figure out what he was thinking. A muscle ticked in his jaw, and he muttered something under his breath, taking the last few stairs so that he was standing next to me.
“You should not be here. You’ll hurt yourself.”
Biting my lip, I looked down at my feet. I could tell there was more he wanted to say, but he kept quiet, following me as I slowly turned and started climbing the stairs again.
“Wait. Would you like to join us for poker tonight?”
When I glanced over my shoulder, they all watched me expectantly. There wasn’t one part of me that felt like it was a good idea, but after being caught trying to sneak out, I felt like maybe I should give a little.
“I-I guess…”
The one in the middle nodded. “Good. It is a good time. We will make sure Yuri is not there. He can’t play for shit anyway.”
Forcing a smile that felt more like a grimace, I nodded, turning to hustle back up the stairs. It hurt, but I felt like I deserved it at this point. Viktor would barely look at me, and the guilt was intense. He followed me all the way back to the apartment, but he stopped outside the door, all hints of the smile I’d seen that morning gone.
“I need to go back downstairs. I will come back to get you for your game.”
My stomach sank. “A-Are you not coming?”
His face darkened, and he didn’t answer me, instead moving on to another subject. “It is not safe for you to leave. I will have someone watch the hallway.”
With that, he spun on his heel and walked away. I could only stare at his retreating frame, the lump in my throat strangling any words I had. I wanted to call him back, to apologize, but I couldn’t. And I hated myself in that moment. In my desperation to escape, I let down the one person who seemed to care about me. My ex was right. I am an idiot.
* * *
I couldn’t make myself get any rest. I tried. I figured if I did what Viktor would want, it’d make it up to him somehow. It was a stupid idea. He didn’t come back. Gabi came to check on me at one point, completely unaware that I’d tried to sneak off. I supposed I should be grateful for that at least, but my focus was on Viktor and the longer he stayed away, the worse I felt. I told Gabi that I wasn’t feeling well and hid in my room, wishing I could go back to this morning when everything felt okay for just one moment.
By the time dinner rolled around, I had resigned myself to the idea that Viktor wasn’t going to come back. I burned that bridge and I had to deal with the consequences. I had no intention of making myself dinner. I knew how, but I still felt like I needed to punish myself for what I did. I skipped lunch too. After only a few bites of breakfast, the familiar pains from not eating settled in my stomach, reminding me of exactly why I was here. This wasn’t my home, and I’d need to get used to this again at one point.
Sitting on the floor in my room, I watched the city in motion. The sun went down and the city lit up like a Christmas tree, sparkling across the horizon. It looked so pretty from up here. But I knew the truth. It was a mask that hid what truly went down on the streets below. I lived down there, out in the open, for long enough to know what really happened. Criminals ran this city, and not just the ones you read about in the paper. I’d rather face them than the ones who were manipulative enough to get entire cities to vote them into power. Those were the real monsters. The ones who could do the most to help people like me, and did nothing but seek more power.
I heard the apartment door click open and my body tensed, but I didn’t hide. What was the point?
“Are you ready to go?”
Viktor’s voice washed over me and I fought back a wave of tears. He was just here because he said he’d bring me to play poker. That’s it.
When I didn’t answer him, he came around the bed and stood next to me. I could feel his eyes on me, but I knew when I looked up at him, I’d only see disappointment. It was such a common thing, I should be used to it by now. But it hurt worse coming from him. I shut my eyes, dislodging a few errant tears.
“?????…”
My chin trembled in my poor attempt to hold back my emotions. I didn’t want to manipulate him. Viktor was a good person. He’d try to help me, even if that wasn’t truly what he wanted.
I felt his movement, felt his warmth brushing along my side as he sat down next to me. He didn’t get angry with me for being a crybaby, he didn’t yell for trying to run. His calm patience only made it worse, and the tears flowed steadily, no matter how hard I squeezed my eyes shut to make them stop.
“I was scared for you today.”
I bit back my sobs, my whole body shaking with the effort. Not only had I skipped meals, I also didn’t touch my meds, and my body was feeling it now. My lungs hurt whenever a sob wracked my body, the pain nauseating. I deserved it, though. I always deserved it.
