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No, this one is definitely a bump.
My hand drops down, almost like I’ve burned myself. I clench my fingers into fists by my sides. My breathing is ragged, my heart is beating a mile a minute.
Calm down.
I inhale a shaky breath.
Get out of the shower.
Exhale.
You might be wrong.
Inhale.
Maybe it’s just a pimple.
Exhale.
Or a cyst.
Inhale.
It doesn’t have to be anything.
Exhale.
Slightly calmer, I finish rinsing and turn off the water. I grab the towel and wrap it around myself before I get out of the shower.
The mirror above the sink beckons me. I’ve been trying to avoid it for weeks.
No more.
I place one foot in front of the other, forcing myself to move closer. My throat bobs as I swallow, my knuckles white from the force with which I’m clinging onto the towel. Slowly, I unclench my fingers, the towel dropping to the floor as I look at my reflection.
Really lookingat my reflection for the first time in weeks.
Searching for any other signs that I have brushed off.
My right breast is a little tender and slightly red, but then again, I was just in the shower, so it could be from the burning hot water. That one is also just a tad larger. Maybe? I narrow my eyes at my reflection. But honestly, how many women out there have a pair of real, completely symmetrical boobs?That one bruise I had on my side, just under my armpit, is still there, surrounded by a couple more smaller ones. Some are faint yellowish green; some are vivid purple. And then there are the bumps under my armpit. I’m still pretty sure those are due to the lymph node inflammation, but instead of disappearing like they usually do, they’ve multiplied and grown bigger. The little bumps are an angry red color and hurt like a bitch.
My tongue darts out, sliding over my lower lip as I continue with the self-examination process. My hand trembles slightly as I lift it, pressing three fingers against my skin, just on top of my nipple. With slow circular motions, I make sure to pass every inch of the flesh, feeling for any thickening of the skin, lumps, or irritations.
I suck in a breath, my teeth sinking into my lower lip as time drags by, until I feel it again.
I let out a breath, my eyes shutting.
I didn’t imagine it.
Just on the underside, an inch to the right there is a lump. About an inch wide. It isn’t necessarily painful, but definitely tender.
It could be a pimple or cyst or a…
I brace my hands against the sink, my vision growing blurry as I try to suck in a breath.
“This can’t be happening.”
Not again.
