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Pushing to my feet, I suck in a sharp breath at the stab of pain that goes through my leg. Although I’ve stopped taking steroids since there wasn’t any point, the pain was even stronger now than it was before.
Sliding my hand into my pocket, I pull out the bottle with pain meds. The bottle is almost full since I met with Manolo to grab a refill before this trip. Shaking two on my palm, I throw them into my mouth and take a pull from the bottle.
“Promise me you’ll stop. You can’t… Just, promise…”
“Okay, I promise.”
Like father, like son.
With one last glance at the grave, I turn around and get the hell out of there.
Slowly I make my way back to my house. I’m not sure who put the decorations up because I’m pretty sure my dad would fall if he even attempted to climb the ladder. It was all for show anyway. To avoid neighbors asking any questions. The inside hasn’t been decorated in years.
Pulling the car in the garage, I go inside. The house is blissfully quiet as I make my way up the stairs, only to come to a stop when I see a soft light peeking through the crack in the door of the room next to mine.
Gabriel’s room.
I don’t think I’ve even stepped foot once in that room. Not since he died.
My heart is thundering in my chest as I take a step closer, unsure of what to expect. I nudge the door with the tip of my foot. The door softly opens further and I find my mother sitting on the bed, her hands clutched around the stuffed Pikachu Gabriel was obsessed with when we were kids.
I look around, and it’s like I’ve been thrown back in time. Everything was the same. All the things in place like he left them as he went to the hospital that last time.
The time I killed him.
The memories come at me like a tsunami, suffocating me in their intensity.
All the times we spent playing in this room. Doing homework together. Playing video games. Fighting. Lying on the bed late at night and just talking.
Shaking my head, I try to push them back, but it’s too hard. Too much. Too soon.
“Your father wanted to throw it all away, but I couldn’t let him,” Mom whispers, her raspy voice bringing me back to the present.
“What are you doing here, Mom? You should be in bed.”
“I can’t sleep. The memories…” she shakes her head, tears streaming down her cheeks. “It’s too hard. Gabriel loved Christmas.”
“I know.”
If you would have asked Gabriel, the house would have been decorated on November first and stayed that way well into the new year. He loved everything about the holiday. The music. The lights. The food. The presents.
Moving closer, I crouch in front of her but she looks away instantly, avoiding my gaze. “He’s gone, Mom. Has been for years. He wouldn’t have liked to see you like this. You have to let him go.”
Even before I finish, she’s already shaking her head. “I can’t,” she whispers, clutching that damn toy to her chest. “He was my baby boy. I can’t let him go.”
I clasp my hands around her wrists, trying to disentangle her fingers from the stuffed animal. “You have to let him go.”
“You don’t understand. I can’t!”
“I don’t understand? He was my brother!” I yell right back at her.
Mom’s head snaps to me, her tear-stained eyes wide as she stares at me.
“He was my brother, and he’s dead. How do you think I feel? How I’ve felt all these years? All everybody could think about was Gabriel. And I get it. I got it then, and I get it now. I was worried about him too. All the damn time. Every time I left that damn hospital, I worried he wouldn’t be there when I came back.For years.But now he’s gone, has been gone for nine years, and you can’t even look at me. Did you know that? Did you know that you haven’t looked at me in years, Mom? Not really. My brother died, and then my parents who already didn’t think me worthy enough, left me too. Dad thinks I’m a waste of space, and you can’t stand to even glance at me for more than a split second. So don’t you dare tell me I don’t understand.” I run my fingers through my hair, messing the strands as the fight slowly leaves me. “You lost your baby boy, but what about me, Mom? Huh? What about me? What about what I need? What I needed all this time?”
“Prescott…”
This time, I’m the one shaking my head. “I needed you too. But you weren’t there. You never are.”
