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“This isn’t my first rodeo with cancer, Nixon. I’ve seen what it did to our mom. I watched it eat her alive day in and day out. So don’t you dare tell me you know what that’s like.”
Nixon turns me to face him and wraps his arms around me, pulling me into his strong chest. A sob rips out of my lungs, and, for the first time, I realize my whole body is shaking, and big, ugly tears are sliding down my cheeks.
So much for not crying.
I wrap my trembling arms around Nixon’s middle, burrowing my head into his chest as I let the admission out: “I’m scared, Nixon.”
My big brother soothes his hand down my back. “Me too, Smalls. Me too.”
“I don’t think I can do this. I don’t know how.” I shake my head, my fingers clenching around his shirt. “I wish she were here. She would have known what to do.”
“I know she would. We’ll find a way. I promise you, Jade. We’ll find a way,” he whispers, his arms tightening around me to the point it’s hard to breathe, but I don’t ask him to let go.
I’m not sure how long we stay like this, just holding onto one another. Now that all the anger and frustration have left me, I feel empty and tired. So damn tired.
The door creaks open, and I take a step back, wiping away the tears from my face.
“Is everything okay? I’d give you more time, but my next appointment is here.”
“Sorry for occupying your space and time.” I take the tissue she offers me, wiping at my tear-stained face.
“No problem, these things can get really emotional. Like I said, you don’t have to—”
I shake my head. “I’ll do it.”
“Are you sure?”
“Jade…” Nixon grabs my hand, but I stop him.
“No, I want to do it. Ihaveto do it. I just… I just need a little time to come to terms with all of this, that’s all.” I nod at Dr. Hendriks. “I’ll do the mastectomy.”
She nods. “How about we schedule you to come in next week? We’ll run some more tests and discuss the logistics of it.”
Discuss the logistics of it?
That’s about the last thing I want to do.
“I don’t think…”
“There are things you need to think about, Jade.”
“What kinds of things?”
I don’t want to think or listen. I just want to be done with all of this.
“Your future. I know it’s easy to focus on right here and right now, so easy to get lost in the pain of now that you lose sight of your future. Cancer is a nasty disease, it takes so much out of the person, but it doesn’t have to take it all.”
I brush the tears away from my cheeks. “I’m not sure I’m following.”
“Do you want a family one day, Jade?”
Family?
“I mean, yeah. Down the roa—”
Dr. Hendriks gives me a soft smile, and even before she says the words, I can already see where this is going.
“You’re young. It would be good to consider cryopreservation prior to starting the chemo. Look it up, and we can discuss it at our next appointment, okay?”
