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I shake my head, but then the words register, and so does the silence. “Oh, shit, I’m so sorry…”
Sebastian places his hand over mine, giving it a squeeze. “It’s fine.”
“It’s not fine. I wasn’t thinking…”
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
The words were out of my mouth before I could think about them. It was something that I wouldn’t think twice about if I were with the girls. They were joking about drinking all the time.
“Hey, it’s fine, really.” Sebastian’s finger slips under my chin, and he turns me toward him. “Drinking was never my biggest issue; drugs were my opiate of choice.”
“Still, I’m sorry. My comment was insensitive.”
“Your comment was realistic. Addiction is one of those things that’s there, but nobody talks about it openly or acknowledges it.”
“Was it hard? Letting go of it?”
Heavy silence settles over us. For a moment, I think I might have crossed a line and asked a question that’s too personal.
“It’s the hardest thing I ever had to do. The hardest thing I do every single day I wake up.”
I guess that made sense. Addiction didn’t go away just because somebody decided to get clean once. If that were the case, the world we live in would be a much more different place. No, he had to get up every morning and fight the urge to go back to the old, destructive ways.
I turn my hand in his, interlocking our fingers. “I’m proud of you, Sebastian,” I whisper softly. I wasn’t sure if he heard it often enough.
He had yet to mention his family or any friends. Was it because he wanted to keep these two lives separate? Or was it because there wasn’t anybody who cared? I wasn’t sure, but I wanted him to know I was there for him if he ever needed me.
“I’m the least deserving person somebody should be proud of.”
“And yet I am.” I rub my thumb over the back of his palm, feeling the roughness of his skin under mine. “It takes a strong character to get out of the situation you were in and to keep doing it every day.”
“Some days, I falter.”
“But, you didn’t.”
“I wanted to. I wanted to so badly. It would have been so much easier.”
“Then why didn’t you?” I challenge. I knew what it meant to put yourself down. To think you’re not good enough. Undeserving. My heart ached for him, mainly because I knew he was wrong, and I wanted him to realize it too.
A heartbeat passes in silence, and then two. My heart is thumping loudly in my ears and drowning out the noises of the bar.
“You,” Sebastian says softly, so softly that for a moment, I wonder if I heard him correctly. Then he repeats it. “You were the one who held me grounded when I thought I might slip.”
My lips parted in surprise as his words echoed in my brain. I don’t know what I expected, but this wasn’t it.
Me? How did I do anything?
Before I get a chance to ask him what he meant, a waitress comes to our table, and Sebastian starts ordering like he didn’t eat in a week. The waitress is wholly smitten by Sebastian’s charm that she doesn’t even turn to me. If it was any other day, I’d be annoyed by it, but right now, I can’t wait for her to leave.
“I hope you’re okay with cherry coke. I saw it in your fridge the other day.”
“I don’t care about cherry coke. What did you mean by what you said?”
“Penelope…”
“Sebastian, please.”
He lets out a sigh. “The whole sobriety thing is new for me. I went to rehab only a few months ago, and there are still some triggers that make this urge to get lost in the high that drugs offer more intense. When I had one of those, I heard you play. You broke through the haze of addiction and brought me back to earth.”
