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“It just hit me while I was making Paige’s lunch.” This wasn’t atotallie, so she didn’t feel too bad about it. “In trying to figure out this chemo thing, I think I want to just sit down with Paige and ask her about it…see what she thinks. But you know Paige: it can’t be this whole sit-down and be all serious at the kitchen table sort of thing. I’m going to ask her about it on the way to school. And we both know she won’t give an honest answer if she has any sort of an audience.”
She didn’t specifically spell out what she was getting at because she wasn’t quite sure she had it in her to ask. Thankfully, Grandma Tate figured it out on her own.
“You want me to stay home?”
“Yes. If that’s okay.”
“I mean…that’s fine with me, but isn’t it risky for you to be driving?”
“I suppose. But there have been no symptoms for a few days. I need to get out, sort of be free for a bit, you know? I figure I’ll take Paige to school and have that talk. After that, I’ll go pick up some groceries, maybe go by the library and get a few books or something. I just need to…I need to get out, I think.”
This was all true. Though to be fair, the grocery store and the library didn’t at all factor into her plans. Grandma Tate thought long and hard about this before sighing and giving Rachel a look that was a bit too much like a worried parent.
“That’s fine. But you text me every step of the way. It may seem over-protective, but I don’t care. Remember…I know what all of this is like.”
“I know. And yes, I’ll text you every so often. School, grocery store, library…I’d guess. maybe an hour and a half. Two hours tops.”
“You feel safe about this? Paige will be in that car for a bit, too, you know?”
“Yes, I know. And it’sbecauseof that that I feel secure enough to do this. If I get any sort of symptoms—even theinklingof symptoms—I will pull right over and call you.”
“Then I’m good with it. Just be careful.”
With that slight change to the morning complete, Rachel carried out the first part of her plan. And it really did kill two birds with one stone, in that the chemotherapy conversation was indeed something she’d wanted to have with Paige for about three days now. The drive to school took only thirteen minutes, so Rachel wasted no time.
“Paige…you know about this big decision I’m trying to make, right?”
“You mean the one about whether or not to take the medicine that makes you sick or to try to go on without it?”
“Yeah, that’s the one. Well, the medicine isn’treallymedicine. It’s called chemotherapy.”
“I know. I’ve heard you and Grandma Tate talking about it.”
“So, do you know what it is?”
“Not really.”
Rachel did her best to think of how to word it in a way that would make sense but also not terrify her daughter.“Well, it’s these medicines that the doctors will put into my blood by giving me a shot and an IV—a tube—that will feed right into my blood. And some of the medicines do make people sick. You sit in a chair or lay on a bed most of the time, and they pump the medicine into you for a few hours. And I’d have to do it more than once. Probably quite a few times.”
“Like how much?”
“I don’t know yet. It depends on how well the medicine works.”
Paige thought about this for a minute, looking out of the window. The tightness of her face was a clear indication that she didn’t want to talk about it. After a while, she finally asked: “But even if it works, it won’t make you all better, right?”
“No. But it could give me a lot longer to be here…more time to spend with you. But some of that time, I might be pretty sick and weak.”
“Oh.”
“I’m telling you all of this right now because you’re very important to me, Paige. And I want to know what you think. If I left it up to you to decide, would you want me to do the chemotherapy or try to stick it out without it?”
“Well, you’d die either way, right?”
It was blunt and a bit hurtful. But Rachel supposed that’s what you got when you tried to discuss heavy things like this with a nine-year-old.
“Yes, I’d die either way.”
“Then I think you should do the chemotherapy.”
