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“You mean children?”
Amon nodded.
“Have you asked her if that is something she wants? Remember she is from a different time. Women nowadays have many different views of a fulfilled life.”
Amon’s brows narrowed as he watched Gwen push Silas towards the changing room and handed him his outfit. Rayen had never thought about Gwen being a mother. He’d never wanted children of his own, so it hadn’t crossed his mind that she might.
Amon’s words sparked worry within him. What if she truly wanted children? They would never be able to give her any. His thoughts were interrupted when Gwen called for them both and sent them to the changing room.
With a new suit and one more casual outfit for all three of them, they left for the car. The ride home was quiet, and Gwen was holding on to Silas while her eyes lazily watched as their surroundings passed by.
Back at home, she cooked dinner with all three of them in the kitchen. However, he was the only one helping her. They chatted along, planning for the next day and simply enjoyed each other’s company.
***
Twenty-Seven
Gwendoline
After dinner, she and Amon retreated into his room, where he had set up a new canvas for her. As promised, he’d only laid out warm, light colors. He softly started to play the piano while she tried to envision her emotions on the canvas.
“Gwendoline?”
“Yes, Amon?”
“Have you ever thought about having children?”
“Not really.” Her answer came without hesitation, because she’d never envisioned herself as a mother.
“May I ask why?”
She sighed. “I don’t really know. At first, I always thought it was because they are expensive, but I think it’s more the fear of losing myself to them. Mothers sacrifice everything to their children, and I don’t think I could do that,” she paused as she realized that it wasn’t true. “That would be a lie. I don’t think I want to sacrifice everything for them. I would love them so much it would burn my heart to see them hurt in any way, shape, or form. I don’t want to live with that constant fear nor the responsibility that comes with motherhood.”
When she turned to him, she saw relief spread through his eyes. “I was afraid you would one day want the one thing I, nor Silas and Rayen, can give you.”
“We could technically adopt or surrogate, though I don’t want that either.”
His eyes softened. “Thank you for being honest.”
As she sat down next to him his fingers slowed down. “Is fatherhood something you still long for?”
He waited for the music to fade entirely before he answered, seeming to need the time to think about his feelings. “I’ve grieved for many years what I never had. But my feelings towards it have changed. I’m not the same man anymore. Even though I wanted to be a father, it wasn’t just for the love of my child, rather it was necessary. I needed an heir, not just for my farm but to take care of us when we became old.”
“Have you always enjoyed art?”
“I was always interested in it, but with our life we never had the time nor the necessary money to pursue such hobbies.”
“I always forget that you all lived in different time periods. Well, not so much as forget, but rather my mind has a hard time picturing all of you living in such different times.”
“I believe we all have a hard time remembering and sometimes even understanding that you grew up in a modern world. Your views are very different from what we are used to.”
“Does it bother you?”
“No. I enjoy your free mind, your willingness to create your own happiness, but sometimes I wish you hadn’t experienced the loneliness you have. It saddens me when I think that you had to fight for your survival without being able to lean on anyone, both emotionally and financially.”
He turned his head and looked at her empty canvas. Though she liked the colors he’d provided for her, they felt too light and bright. Not that she wasn’t happy or in good spirits. She just couldn’t explain it.
“I thought about painting you,” he confessed.
