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Prologue ~ Present Day
My lungs burned and fire licked up my chest as I held my breath, struggling not to open my mouth to gasp for air that was just out of my reach. Every crazy moment of my nineteen years played before me as I clawed at the powerful hands that held me under the murky water. Fear ripped through me as I stared into savage eyes. The tip of my nose broke through the surface, and I attempted to push my head upward. If I could only suck in a lifesaving ... Before I was able to complete the thought, I was shoved under again. How had I gotten here, suddenly fighting for my life?
Holden’s beautiful smile flashed across my mind and fueled a flicker of optimism that I could survive. I had to. Holden had to know the truth.
With an extra boost of adrenaline, I wedged my thumb between the two ligaments of my attacker’s wrist, then pushed into the soft flesh as hard as I could. This had to work. My energy was dwindling, and fast.
Suddenly, my head popped up, and I gulped in much-needed air as I gazed into the twisted and depraved face of the monster that wanted me dead.
Whack. A scream tore from my throat as the impact against my skull rendered me helpless. Stars danced in front of my eyes as I slipped from reality. If this was it, I had one thing to say to my captor before I left this screwed-up world.
“Fuck ... you ...” The darkness beckoned to me, urging me to give in as she welcomed me into her arms.
Chapter One
Five months earlier
The voices in my head whispered that I should end it all. There was no other choice.
My heart and mind were in a constant push and pull, like the moon and ocean—a consistent dance between life and death. Once again, I’d struggled to claw my way out of hell, clinging to a tiny thread of hope that one day I would finally succeed.
I flopped over in my bed, pulling the thin sheet under my chin and shuddering against the frigid air seeping through the cracks of my bedroom walls. The stupid mobile home was on its last leg, threatening to fall over on its disgruntled and weather-beaten side at any given moment. If a wind gusted through the trailer park and knocked my house over, I wondered if I’d survive, or if I would be trapped beneath it. If Dan, my sorry excuse for a guardian, died, I wouldn’t shed one single tear.
Gently, I massaged my right bicep and peered at the blue-and-purple bruises that were forming. Yesterday, Dan had jerked my arm so hard it had nearly popped out of the socket. The piece of shit had staggered in through the front door, drunk and smelling like a skunk. It was bad enough when he drank, but when he lost himself in a fifth of whiskey and smoked weed, it was a recipe for disaster. Unfortunately, I was the one that caught the raw end of that deal.
Mom didn’t have any actual family that she could count on, so she wrangled Dan into becoming my guardian if anything happened to her. Little did he know that Mom would disappear a few months after he signed all the legal documents. I was only three when Dan stepped in full time.
Life with him had been decent at first, until around eight years ago. Once my body had decided to grow boobs and curves, Dan had attempted to hide his sideways glances but failed. It didn’t take me long to stop wearing tank tops and shorts around him. I hid my developing form the best I could in baggy jeans and sweatshirts, trying not to draw unwanted attention from him or anyone else. It hadn’t worked well.
Dan was a lean and strong man for someone who had no idea what working even meant. He would hold a job for a few days, then stop showing up. At one stage in his life, he’d also been handsome, but his dark hair was unkempt, and he only trimmed his scraggly beard once a month. If he was on a nasty bender, it wasn’t even that often. I’d forgotten the actual color of his eyes since they were always bloodshot.
For now, I had to bide my time until I could figure out how to escape this shit show and move out.
Most evenings, I would watch television and fall asleep on the couch until he came home from whatever cheap and grungy bar still allowed him to walk through their doors. Dan had been tossed out of so many that he’d lost count.
Earlier that night, I’d crawled into my twin bed and huddled beneath the sheet and the one threadbare blanket I owned. I’d just started my new job at Bob’s Diner down the street last week, and quilts and a coat were on the top of my list to buy. At least the restaurant was only a few blocks away. Unless there was snow on the ground and ice on the sidewalks, I could run to and from work, so I didn’t turn into an icicle. I’d been working measly jobs since I was ten, paying the water and food bills that Dan never took care of. Clothes and warm blankets weren’t a priority, but so far, winter had been brutally cold. I would have to go straight to the secondhand store as soon as I got my first check. Now that I was earning tips, maybe even sooner.
The owner of the diner, Bob Davies, had lived in Havre, Montana, since before I was born. He’d also attended high school with Mom and Dan. Bob remembered Mom before ... I sank my teeth into my bottom lip until I winced, forcing the memories to stay locked away.
I tossed and turned, the springs on the mattress jabbing me in the back as the fragile metal frame creaked and groaned.
Slipping my hand between the bed and the wall, I felt around for the folded piece of paper. Carefully, I pulled it out of the hiding place I’d chosen and clutched it to my chest. The smooth sheet crinkled between my fingers, and for the first time that day, I smiled. I opened the letter I’d printed at the library, my attention landing on the PSU logo, then my name.
Dear River Collins,
We’re happy to extend a full scholarship to Portland State University…
My pulse kicked up a notch. Freedom was right around the corner. My heart leaped inside my chest while I pondered what my new college life would look like in the fall. I’d missed the application deadlines my senior year of high school, but not this time. I’d spent long days at the library applying for scholarships and reaching out to my old school counselor, Mrs. Donaldson, for help. I hadn’t even had the money to apply, but Mrs. Donaldson covered the fees, and I was paying her back a little each week now that I was working again. Since I didn’t own a cell phone, we kept in touch through email.
Thank God for the library printer as well. Instead of paying for what I printed, I worked out a deal with the manager to volunteer. She agreed that my time would help solve the budget problem, and she happily let me use the computer and printer as often as I wanted. What she didn’t realize was that she’d given me a sanctuary. The staff wouldn’t kick me out until 9:00 p.m., so when shit got bad at home, that was where I hid.
Mrs. Donaldson was the first person I’d messaged when I received the email that I’d been accepted to Portland State University with a full ride, plus enough money left to live on. The second person I told was my best friend, Addison.
Addison and I had been friends since grade school. She was already at PSU, and I was excited to join her soon.
Addison had an amazing family, but they also struggled financially. Her big blue eyes filled with tears when she told me about her college plans. She’d received scholarships, which had helped her escape this little hellhole of a town we lived in. When we were twelve, we pinky swore that we would make it out of here. I also promised myself I’d leave before I turned into my mom or Dan.
A tear burned my wind-chapped skin as it escaped my eye. I swiped at it, then tucked the email in its hiding place again. Not only did I miss Addison, but I was secretly afraid she’d moved on without me.
