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Before we left, I glanced at the clock on the oven. It was a little after ten. I hadn’t slept long, and exhaustion tugged at me. I yawned, then plunked into one of the oversized white wicker chairs on the porch and inhaled the warm spring air of the new day. The chair creaked beneath Holden as he settled in the seat next to me.
“It’s pretty here.” I waved at Zayne as he appeared from the backyard. “Morning.” I smiled at him.
He stopped and grinned at us. “It’s good to see you both together.”
Holden raised his cup to him while he reached for my hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. “Thanks for all your help, man.”
Zayne nodded. “I’ll let you two catch up.” He strolled off, then continued to keep his focus on the property.
I nestled into my seat, my attention drifting to all the different trees. “Wherever we live, can we have maples and oaks like Chance?”
“We can have anything you want.”
I sighed, wishing I didn’t have to have this next conversation, but I had to tell Holden. It wouldn’t be fair to him if he learned the truth at the same time his friends and FBI did. Besides, it wasn’t about their families. It was about Holden’s.
Shifting in my seat, I tucked a leg beneath me and studied him. “I’m going to tell you what happened. I’ll probably skip parts, but eventually I’ll be able to tell you everything.” I nervously drummed my fingers against the white ceramic mug. My French manicure looked like shit since my nails had grown out over the last few weeks, and I’d bitten them down. “I know you’re going to have questions, and I’ll help with as much as I can.”
“As I said before, take your time.” He slid his palm over his thigh. I suspected Holden was trying to be strong for me, but we’d been together long enough for me to realize he was nervous.
I pursed my lips and gathered up all the courage I could muster. “When I was first taken, I wasn’t even sure where I was. I’d been drugged, and I woke up underwater. Becky … Michelle was behind it. I finally got free, but she hit my head and knocked me out again. The next time I woke up …” My throat tightened, the memories of the hole beneath Barrett’s house bombarding me. I covered my mouth with my hand, attempting to control the onslaught of fear that threatened to destroy me. I can do this. I refuse to let those fuckers win.
I sucked in a shaky breath as I looked out over Chance’s property. The birds sang and chirped at the tops of the branches, relaxing me a little. “I woke up in a hole. Underground with no light, no food, and no water. I don’t know how long I was there, but I suspect it was at least a few days. On occasion, a thin stream of light would come through a crack over my head. It was one of the guard’s homes, and there was a door in his floor. I was naked and dirty, and I’d lost my voice from screaming for help.” A nervous knot of hysteria formed in my throat as I willed myself not to fall apart. I was here with Holden. Safe. Images of the hole plagued me, and I shot out of my seat, sloshing coffee all over my shirt and down my legs. My body trembled as I tried to set the cup down.
“I’ve got it, babe. It’s okay.” Holden ran inside, then returned with a kitchen towel. He knelt, patted my thighs dry, then dabbed at my shirt. He rose slowly. “Are you okay? It didn’t seem like it burned you.”
“It wasn’t very hot,” I mumbled. Instead of returning to my seat, I paced the length of the porch. “This is hard,” I choked. “It’s hard to say it out loud, but I know I have to this afternoon, and you need to know the truth.” I chewed on my broken thumbnail, refusing to look at him. If I saw the agony in his expression, I wasn’t sure I would be able to force the words out.
“I’m not going anywhere.” He settled into his chair again and placed his ankle on the opposite knee.
“After I was allowed out of the hole, Barrett, the guard, moved me to a building with a long row of cells on both sides. He shoved me into one, but the rest were empty. Later that first night Reid was returned to his. He was to the right of me, so we couldn’t see each other, but we became friends fast. He gave me some advice and shared with me how to get the things I needed like soap and extra clothes.” I gulped, my stomach flip-flopping at an uncomfortable speed. “Reid said the guards would either rape me, or I could offer sex in trade for items.” I dared a glance at my boyfriend. “I didn’t do it. I fought with everything I had.” Tears pricked my eyes. “I fought, Holden.” I turned away, unwilling to witness the pity or disgust on his face. Chewing on my bottom lip, I struggled to contain the overpowering shame and guilt that threatened to consume me.
The creak of his chair indicated that he’d stood. “I’m behind you. I want to touch you. Is that okay?”
I nodded but didn’t turn around. His muscular arms encircled me, and I nestled my back against his chest. “You’re the strongest person I know.” He rubbed my arms. “Can you tell me one thing?”
“I’ll try.”
“Were you … were you raped?” His voice hovered above a whisper, and fear rolled off of him.
I turned in his arms, tears streaming down my cheeks, and shook my head. “Assaulted, but not raped. I told the guard I was pregnant in hopes of stopping him.” My shoulders shook with my sobs, the pain eating me alive. “It’s why I lost the baby. The fact that I told them about it. I should have never said anything.”
Holden’s hold tightened, and he kissed the top of my head. “Oh, babe. I’m so sorry. It wasn’t your fault. You did the right thing.”
“I tried to protect our child.” I fisted his shirt, giving in to the heartbreak. “I mean … I probably would have miscarried under the circumstances anyway, but I fucking tried to keep our baby safe.”
“I believe you, River. I do. You’re a fighter, I have no doubt in my mind that you did everything in your power.”
I ground my teeth together and screamed. “They fucking took it. Our baby, Holden.” I pushed him away, needing to walk, unable to handle the confines of his arms. Running my fingers through my hair, I turned from him. “They drugged me and gave me an abortion against my will.” My anguished cries ripped through the air as I sank to my knees. “It was our child. Our choice. No one should ever be forced to give up or have a baby, but this … I swear to God, Holden, if I ever see any of them again, I’ll fucking end them or die trying.” I placed my hands on the porch rail, sobbing.
With a quick move, Holden pulled me into his lap and sat down on the porch. I wrapped my arms around his neck, allowing him to rock me the way I’d imagined someone doing when I was a little girl.
I sniffled and steadied my breathing. “One of these days, I’m going to hunt them down and make them pay for what they did to me, to Reid, and all the children and other victims.”
Holden remained silent but rubbed my back as the memories tumbled out of my mouth. I couldn’t imagine how hard it was for him to hear. It would fucking gut me if he’d lived through all of this. I wanted to spare him the pain, but I was barely dealing with my own. I wasn’t sure I could manage to protect him from the darkness that threatened to devour me.
Once my tears had subsided, I lifted my head. Holden had kicked out his muscular legs on the steps.
I glanced up at him from beneath my damp eyelashes.
