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I cracked a grin. “I’m not really mad at you. If I’d been in your position, I would have done the same.” My pulse slowed, realizing that what I said was true. I’d been kidnapped, assaulted, and returned. I didn’t have time to be angry when Brynn was fighting for her life, and I was fighting for my sanity.
“If you’d been here, I would have kissed you as well.” Brynn winked at me, then her expression faltered. She placed her warm palm against my cheek.
“Maybe I would have kissed you back, but I guess you’ll never know, huh?” I laughed softly. I was comfortable enough with Brynn to tease her. She’d made it clear that she had feelings for me the same day she told me about her father and Tim’s affair. As flattered as I was, I think Brynn’s heart was misdirected.
“It’s stupid.” Brynn smoothed a stray hair from my face. “I just want to look at you for a little while. Maybe my brain will accept that you’re home and … safe.” The last word fell off her lips, and I winced. “You are safe, right?”
I lifted my shoulder in a half shrug. “I don’t think so, but I won’t ever ditch a bodyguard again. Do you know how much I hated myself for running from Zayne? That one decision changed my entire life, Brynn.” I slammed my eyes closed for a moment.
“Babe, you can’t do that. It would have simply been a different time or day from what we learned about Laura, the investor at Holden’s club. She scouted 4 Play for victims. When Holden learned that, he was fucking beside himself. It’s been hard on him, but when he saw the pregnancy test …” She searched me for a reaction.
Grief consumed me as tears streamed down my face. “I’m not pregnant any longer.”
“Oh, babe. I’m so sorry. Do you need to talk about it?” She leaned over and kissed my forehead, then took my hand in hers.
“They drugged me, then forced me to have an abortion. I had no idea until I woke up after the procedure.” I hiccupped, then my shoulders shook with my sobs.
Brynn wrapped her arms around me and held me while I fell apart again. She patiently waited for me to calm down, then she reached behind her for a few tissues. “Here.” She gave one to me, then dabbed her own eyes.
“Thanks.” I wiped my cheeks, then laid my head back down. “Even though I’m here with you, I feel like I’m still trapped in the cell.”
Agony twisted Brynn’s features, and I rubbed her arm, attempting to soothe her. It was bad enough she was fighting cancer, but to hear my horror on top of it was enough to send anyone running. “The cell wasn’t that bad compared to everything else.”
Brynn ground her molars together, but she remained quiet.
“I … I need to tell you something, but I’m scared.”
Brynn’s brows knitted together. “There’s never any judgement, River. If you need to tell me something, you’re safe with me. I won’t even tell Holden if you don’t want me to.”
I furiously shook my head. “You can’t say anything to him or anyone else.” I gulped, realizing that I would eventually tell Holden, but not right now. Brynn and Holden had grown up together, fucked, and shared secrets for years. She couldn’t tell him before I did. “Promise me. Swear to me you won’t tell another soul no matter what.”
Chapter Twenty-One
“River, I realize how tight the guys and I are, but you’re my best friend, and I would never, ever betray your trust. I promise.”
I focused on the white wall behind her, attempting to find enough courage to tell her. “First, you should know I wasn’t raped. I told the guard I was pregnant, and he stopped.”
Brynn’s gaze filled with compassion and understanding. “That’s how they found out about the baby?”
“Yeah.” I wiped the moisture from my eyelashes. “But …” I blew out a big breath, my shoulders tensing.
“Take your time.” Brynn rubbed my arm.
If I was going to tell her, I needed to tell her quickly, so I didn’t back out. “Barrett assaulted me, but he made me …”
I bit my lip, shame washing over me as I prepared my next words. “He made me come. I hate myself for it, and I can’t tell Holden. I’m afraid he’ll leave me.” I slapped a hand over my mouth, muffling my cry, finally releasing the pain I’d shoved into a dark corner of my soul.
Brynn pulled me to her and smoothed my hair. “He wouldn’t ever hold that against you, River. Never.”
I peered up at her. “How do you know?”
“First, you have to forgive yourself. It was a normal bodily response to stimulation. That’s all. It didn’t mean you cheated on Holden or liked being assaulted. That’s not what happened. You were terrified and forced against your will. I’m guessing that this son of a bitch knew exactly what he was doing.” She paused. “He was fucking with your head. It’s common between an abuser and their victim.”
Reid’s reminder returned to me. “Someone told me it was their way of manipulating and controlling us.”
“Yeah, it’s a sick, psychological game. Don’t buy into it. You did nothing wrong.”
“How do you know?” I shifted on the bed, not breaking eye contact with her. I might be fucked up right now, but there was something deeper going on with Brynn. I could sense it.
