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“All I’m trying to say is that I’m going to live my life. You should, too. Decide what works for you and Holden and do it.”
I understood what Brynn was saying, but there was something bigger she wasn’t telling me, and I suspected it was a matter of her heart. Sometimes, it was easier to run from love than embrace it. From what I sensed, I figured my best friend was running as fast as she could.
She tapped the side of her head. “I was also thinking that maybe a vibrator could help you and Holden move forward again.”
I leaned against the headrest. “I considered the same thing, but we haven’t had a chance to go shopping.”
“There’s an Adam & Eve store close by. I’ll send Jace over to pick some things up for us.”
My cheeks blazed with embarrassment. I wasn’t sure I wanted him to know what Holden and I were doing behind closed doors.
“I’ll tell him it’s for me, don’t worry. And stop feeling bad about being normal.” She winked at me, then the technicians returned, halting our conversation.
There was no way I’d ask for a threesome with Reid. I would never hurt Holden like that. He was sensitive about Reid anyway. Sex wasn’t that important to me. Holden was.
***
By the time Brynn and I were finished with our nails, Jace had texted that he was in the penthouse and had the bag of goodies. Anticipation swirled in the pit of my stomach. I hoped this would help me relax and stop the flashbacks long enough for Holden and me to reconnect.
Brynn and I returned to the hotel room, pampered and relaxed. The guys were having drinks and schooling poor Reid on poker at the dining table near the bar and living area. It was nice to see them all bonding. I was well aware that we would have some tough days ahead, and I was quickly learning to take the good times and ride the wave for as long as it lasted.
Holden stood and wrapped me in his arms. “How are you feeling after your massage?”
“Better. Thank you.” I kissed him, then pulled on his forearm. “I have something to show you. Do we have a room to ourselves?”
Holden’s brows rose, and he nodded.
Brynn had stolen Holden’s chair and had started playing his hand. She grinned at us. “I’ll take over for a bit.”
Holden laughed. “See if you can teach these fools a thing or two.”
Brynn’s gaze landed on Reid. “You’re the big brother, so don’t let him get away with calling you that.”
Laughter and exclamations filtered through the air. I was home—with my family—and it felt damned good.
Brynn handed me the bag, then returned to the game, flirting with her favorite guys. It seemed like Reid would quickly be included in that circle. I hoped so. I knew how difficult it was watching from the outside, loneliness pumping through your veins.
I tilted my head in the direction of the bedrooms, and Holden led the way to ours. Anxiety fluttered in my chest as I closed the door and locked it.
“This is nice.” I looked around the room, identifying the cream and baby-blue striped wallpaper, king bed, and matching dresser. A chair was nestled into the corner, and a television was mounted to the wall. I dropped the bag into the seat while I checked out my surroundings.
“We have a connecting bathroom, too.” Holden pointed to the left. “The guys and I stayed here while you were gone. Chance has been staying with Brynn, and Jace and I flew down to help.”
I sank onto the edge of the mattress and patted the spot next to me. “I need to talk to you, Holden.”
Holden’s body immediately tensed while he sat down and turned toward me. I looked around the room, everywhere but at him. Jumping off the bed, I paced, wearing a path in the plush tan carpet. “This is really hard for me, but I need to tell you if we’re going to be able to move forward.”
Fear flickered in Holden’s eyes. “Take your time.”
He didn’t mean what he’d just said, and I knew it. I had to put both of us out of our misery and say it. “The first several days away from you were spent in darkness. I was naked, dirty, and hungry. I pissed in a corner so that I wouldn’t step in it when I tried to walk around.” I massaged my temples and took a long breath. “Everywhere I look, I think I’m trapped there again. I never understood that there were different intensities of flashbacks, but I do now. These are paralyzing, and they fucking suck. I’m hoping if I talk about what happened, they won’t feel like they have as much power over me.”
“Okay.” Holden scooted back on the bed and stretched his long legs in front of him. I loved him for appearing calm and open to the conversation, but I hadn’t missed the twitch in his jaw that indicated he was trying to hold it together.
“They kept me under one of the guard’s houses. His name is Barrett. They have him in custody along with some others.” My palms grew clammy, and I dried them on my jeans. Reminding myself that Barrett was behind bars, I barked out a nervous snort. The irony hadn’t escaped me. “Sorry, I’m okay … this is super difficult.” I rubbed the back of my neck, wishing I was still getting a massage. “Anyway, I was finally able to eat and have some water, then a … I was going to say shower, but that’s not what it was. Barrett took me to a warehouse. There were drains in the cement floor and drawers and cabinets at the other end of the building. No one else was there except us. Barrett grabbed a hose and turned it on full blast … It wasn’t a garden hose. It was powerful, and the pain was excruciating.”
Holden scooted to the edge of the mattress, both of his hands fisting.
“He allowed me to wash my hair and body, but I tried to stay hidden from him the best I could. I refused to wash … to wash my …” I felt like I was eleven years old trying to say the word ‘vagina’ for the first time. I pointed to my crotch.
