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Holden stood and walked to the foot of the bed, then crawled between my legs and carefully parted them. Holden didn’t even seem to care about the cast.
He dipped his head and gently licked my clit. My hands wandered over his well-defined shoulders, then I dug my fingernails into his skin and arched my hips up.
As he continued, he slipped the vibrator inside me. Desire burned every inch of me, and I panted as he pumped me with the toy and worshipped my pussy. I didn’t want him to ever stop.
“Oh shit!” I threaded my fingers through his hair as every nerve in my body sprung to life.
“That’s it, baby. Just relax into it.”
My eyes slammed closed. “Holden, what are you doing to me?” I moaned, then shattered with the intense pleasure.
“You’re so beautiful when you come. I love seeing you like this.” Holden ran his tongue over my bundle of nerves again, and I trembled against him. He removed the vibrator and sat up.
“Oh my God. Oh. My. God.” I giggled and covered my mouth, completely embarrassed yet comfortable with him at the same time. I bit my lip and peered up at him, tears forming in my eyes. My emotions overflowed, rippling through me like a storm over the sea. The push and pull was chaotic and uncontrollable. My shoulders shook and I turned away from him.
“Hey, what’s the matter?” He scrambled up the side of the bed, smoothed my hair, and held me while I snotted all over the gorgeous comforter.
“That meant nothing to you. It was just another sex game, but it was everything to me,” I admitted. I peered at him through my wet eyelashes, feeling vulnerable and exposed. I should have never let him close to me, but after everything tonight, I needed to know if I was capable of having a normal sexual experience. Now that I had my answer, I wasn’t sure it was what I wanted. I’d never anticipated the feelings that might accompany it.
“River, look at me.” He gently tilted my chin up, then he kissed my forehead. “I stopped being a member of the club months ago. It wasn’t fulfilling anymore. Sure, it felt good, but even that became boring. Tonight, with you, it was different. Special. I haven’t experienced anything like it before. You’re working your way into my heart, and I don’t know how to handle it. All I know is that I want to make you laugh and feel good.”
I looked up at him as he gently cupped my cheek.
Fear flickered through his expression. “Does our time together tonight mean you’re going to stay, or is this it for us?”
Chapter Twenty-Two
I turned my head away from him. My mind was clouded with what had just happened between us, and I hadn’t had time to think about what I wanted. If I were brutally honest with myself, I knew I was full of shit. It had only been a week and a half, but Holden and I had spent almost every minute together. His kindness had cracked the ice around my heart, thawing it a little each day. I wanted to be with him, even if it didn’t include an intimate relationship.
With every stolen glance and beautiful smile, Holden made me feel as though no one else existed in his world except me. I had no idea how to manage my feelings for him, though. Then, there was Hannah and how similar we were. My biggest concern was that he was blinded by his past and couldn’t see the truth. If I fell for him, then he dumped me when he realized he was just trying to save Hannah again … I wasn’t sure I would recover. What if I made a mistake? Inwardly I scrambled backward from the idea of allowing him any closer.
“What are you thinking?” He took my hand, his soft lips brushing across my knuckles.
I turned my head again, and our gazes connected. “I don’t want to ever return to the life I had before, Holden. You’ve given me a glimpse into an entire world of possibilities, but ...” I peered down at his strong hand over mine. “But I can’t use you. I have to be sure that I’m staying for the right reasons.”
Hope flickered to life in his brown eyes.
“Do you ...” He paused. “Do you have feelings for me, River?”
My pulse fluttered with every blink of his dark lashes.
“I think so, but what if it’s for the wrong reasons? You’ve been so good to me. It would really fuck me up if I hurt you.” I chewed on my lower lip, and his gaze latched onto my mouth.
He shifted on the bed, and I peeked down at his sweats. He was still fully erect, and I was lying in front of him naked, yet he hadn’t forced himself on me or touched me without permission. He hadn’t called me a whore or a slut for what we’d done. “Also, I’m not sure what to do about the club. You make your money from sex, the one thing that nearly destroyed my life.” I rubbed my forehead with my palm. “At the same time, I hate that I’m not free enough inside myself to ask for a membership.” I barked out a laugh. “And yet I’m naked in front of you right now, trying to have a really important conversation.”
“I have no problem with that.” A playful smile tugged at the corner of his mouth.
“Yeah, but all I want is your mouth all over me. I want you to kiss me. I want to stroke you and … I’m scared. All of these feelings bubbled up inside me just from you using the vibrator … what happens if we have sex?” I whispered, afraid to acknowledge the possibility that my emotions would be heightened if we were together.
Holden’s eyes darkened. “We can take it slow. You’re in the driver’s seat. We don’t ever have to play around again, but I can’t handle it if you walk out of the door and my life.”
“What if I don’t want to take it slow?” My voice cracked with my boldness. “What if I want you inside of me right now?”
A low growl rumbled through Holden’s chest. “Your honesty is a breath of fresh air. The games women have played with me weren’t the ones that I was interested in. It was a turn off, but you ...” He stroked my cheek with the pad of his thumb. “You’re stealing my heart, River.”
Terror spiked inside me, sending my pulse racing. Shit. Holden had just shown his vulnerability. “Holden … I’m not sure I can give what you need.”
Disappointment and pain clouded Holden’s features and he looked away briefly.
