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“It’s been more than 15 minutes. What the fuck is going on? We’re freaking out.”
I glanced around at each of my brothers, each one here for me, and groaned. “I think I fucked up.”
Ryder sat on the couch beside me and put his long legs up on the coffee table. “What’s going on?”
“I, uh, I don’t know. I saw something that triggered me. It was just like before — with Aila,” I tried to explain.
Bash sat on the coffee table and Sid gave him a dirty look, trying to shoo him off. “Aila was your fiancée who died right before the wedding, right?”
“Fuck.” My voice faltered. “There is so much more that I never shared with anyone. It’s been trapped inside my head and slowly eating away at me. I’ve been a wreck for years. I thought I was getting over it, but I guess not.”
Ghost spread his hands out. “Keeping it all inside is not working. Tell us. We’re here for you, Knox. We’re not going to judge you.”
I hated thinking about that day. I avoided it at all costs. But as I told the guys what happened, the swirl of emotions — guilt, shame, grief, and the sting of betrayal — felt as fresh and as deep as they had that day.
Before today, I had never uttered to another soul my suspicion that Aila had been unfaithful to me. I could never be completely certain she was, but her reactions that day made me believe it was true.
Everyone was stricken by my story of how she died after our huge blowup.
“Fuck, that’s so messed up,” Sid said, his face twisted in pain.
My friends gathered around me and slapped me on the back or put their hands on my shoulders, telling me it wasn’t my fault and that I shouldn’t feel guilty.
I wasn’t sure I’d ever believe them — I felt the guilt deep in my bones. But, I wasn’t finished with my story.
“The day after Aila died, Hugh moved out of the cottage. He didn’t say a word to me, just packed up his stuff and left. I saw him at the funeral, but he wouldn’t even look at me, so I knew that what I suspected was probably true. We were best mates, and suddenly, he wouldn’t talk to me.”
“What an asshole,” Ryder commented.
I continued the story and told them about the funeral. The day had been heavy and thick, and everything seemed to move in slow motion. My vision was blurry and my thoughts were muffled and distorted as if I were underwater.
After the service, I suppressed my guilt and accepted everyone’s condolences when I was the one who had caused it all. I didn’t tell anyone about our fight just prior to the accident, because I didn’t want to besmirch Aila’s reputation. I told myself it was to protect her memory — there was no need to upset her parents now that she was gone — but I worried it was really to protect myself. Because I’d caused the accident. I was the one that had yelled at her, had made her sob, and caused her to flee.
My bandmates began to repeat that the accident wasn’t my fault, but I stopped them. I wasn’t finished.
“This is probably the worst part. It took me months to make arrangements to get out of Scotland, but I knew I couldn’t stay there with those memories haunting me. Right before I left, I stopped by Aila’s parents’ home to tell them I was leaving and say goodbye. It seemed like the right thing to do.”
The guys closed in, ready to support me.
“Before I left, Aila’s mum pulled me aside. She said they weren’t going to tell me, but she thought I should know. They had gotten some test results back from the crash. No one was surprised when the test results for drugs or alcohol in her system came back clean. The big surprise, though, was that she was pregnant.”
My mates exchanged nervous glances, their faces etched with worry. I heard the sharp intakes of breath, followed by mumbled curses from my friends.
My voice cracked as I echoed the shame and misery that had dogged me from that day. “Two innocent lives were lost that day. I may have caused the death of my own wee bairn.”
The weight of my guilt felt crushing, like a boulder pressing on my chest. I couldn’t bear to look at my friends, couldn’t bear to see the judgment in their eyes. They had always teased me about my reckless behavior, but this was different. This was something that couldn’t be laughed off or ignored.
“Aila and I had always talked about having a bairn right away,” I continued, my voice barely above a whisper. “But I don’t even know if that baby was mine. We were very careful about using protection. It doesn’t matter. Either way, that bairn should still be alive.”
My mates remained silent, unsure of what to say, until Ghost spoke up. “I know you feel responsible for the accident, but it really wasn’t your fault. You’re too close to the situation to see it clearly, but it’s true. It was a tragic accident. You can’t blame yourself. You need to talk to someone about this, Knox. The guilt is eating away at you like cancer. The only way to find peace from this is to let it go. I think a therapist can help you do that. I can give you Maggie’s number. She’s helped me a lot, and I’ve got a lot of shit to wade through.”
Ryder agreed. “Ghost is right. The accident wasn’t your fault.”
Bash, usually the wiseass of the bunch, said, “I can’t believe you’ve been holding all of that in. No wonder you’re such a mess.”
I wondered if I could ever truly let go of the guilt. It had become a part of me, a constant companion that I could never shake off.
Sid stood up. “So, what brought all this up so suddenly?”
