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“We haven’t talked in months. I thought you would have pieced it together by now.” Each word out of my mouth feels like I’m swallowing glass. The tears in her eyes are bullets to my chest. If one of us doesn’t stay strong, we’ll both end up obliterated by my grandfather. He already knows about Jade. I was naive and stupid to think he didn’t when he called me. I thought if I left and did what he asked, I would be able to hide it. Hide her. The minute my plane touched down in New York, we were already fucked. I don’t know who sold us out, but I have a pretty good idea. The only problem is I can’t prove it, and going after him without proof would be grounds to start a war.
“I did. I guess it was just wishful thinking to hope you’d be man enough to say it to my face.” Her hands ball into fists.
Good. I want her to be angry. I want her to realize I’m not the Romeo of her dreams or the prince charming of her future. I keep silent, waiting for her to unleash more. Her color heightens. “You really have nothing to say?”
“There isn’t anything more to say. I’m leaving. What happened between us is over. I have music to focus on and you have dance.”
Her head falls forward, the long hair I’m used to falling into her face. The way her shoulders slump makes me angry. I want her to fight for herself, even though I can’t fight for us. My life now belongs to the devil.
In order to keep my grandfather far away from here, I promised one year. One year to work in the family business. For him to try and persuade me. At the end of the year, I can go my own way. I’ll get my music back, my life, and maybe then, I’ll be able to beg for her forgiveness. He knows about Jade. If he really thought I would give it all up for her, he would eliminate her. Which is why she can never know. She can’t have hope that we’ll be together again.
“You left this.” She holds out her hand, fingers clasping my favorite gray beanie. “On the off chance I saw you again, I wanted to make sure you had this. Now I won’t have any reminders either.”
My hand reaches out and takes the hat from her. It faintly smells like her, like home, like the dozens of walks we took around town, holding hands. Of the million kisses I gave her wearing the same hat. My gut clenches. Jade turns to leave and my panic suddenly sets in.
“Be careful, okay.”
“I’m not your concern anymore,” she replies, keeping her back to me.
“I know I don’t have the right to say it. You know better than most though that everyone here is not what they seem. If anything ever happens, call me.”
My little star glances over her shoulder, her usual shining eyes are empty. “You’ll never hear from me again.”
This time, I don’t stop her. I stand and I wait, listening to her steps up the stairs, her walk across the floor and finally the slam of the doors. She’s gone. I take my phone out and pull up my contacts. My finger hovers over the only person I trust in this town besides Jade. The most unlikely person.
ME: I have to leave for the label. I won’t be coming back. If Jade is ever in trouble, call me.
GAGE: You got it, man. Take it easy on the road. Can’t wait to hear the album.
I slide my phone back in my pocket and leave the keys to Patti Tango’s on the table. This chapter is closing. Her world will keep spinning on. My nightmare is just beginning.
ChapterSeventeen
Jade
11 months later…
Hear me on your radio,
See me in your nightmares,
Lies were all you ever told me,
I believed you, and all of this is on me.
Ican’t stand it. My arm swipes out and hits the off button on my car radio. Everyday his songs still play. Every day I try and listen, hoping to desensitize myself to his voice, to move on from the way my heart stupidly beats faster whenever I hear this song.
It’s been almost a year since I left Patti Tango’s on his last night in town. He never returned and to my knowledge, no one knows anything about what is happening to him. Every few months, more of his new songs are played on the radio or a music video is released, but he never makes public appearances at events or concerts. No one remarks on the way he has vanished from the spotlight, but they play his songs and every time I hear them, the carefully constructed ice block I’ve built around my heart cracks.
So I turn off the radio. I avoid the internet. I locked away the single-track CD. I know I said I would move on and that if he left, I wouldn’t regret what happened, and I don’t, but it changed me. I am not the same. I will never be the same after Onyx Kiddrick touched my life, loved my heart, and then walked away like it all meant nothing to him. Maybe that’s the part that hurts the most. Knowing someone meant everything to you, and in the end, you weren’t what they wanted.
By the time I park in the school parking lot, I’ve managed to calm my breathing down. My hands only slightly tremble, while I run them through my hair, giving myself a pep-talk to walk into school. When Onyx left, I changed, and so did everything else.
I was used to being alone, living with my mom has prepared me for that, with her coming and going. Now, I can’t tell if anyone lives in our apartment. It's empty. We avoid each other. If she sees my pain or recognizes that my heart is forever fractured, she doesn’t acknowledge it. I didn’t move from my bed for a week when Onyx left. All I wanted was to be alone, and eventually, I became numb to being alone. I became numb to feeling anything or wanting to do anything except work on the one thing that is still my best option to get out of this town. I dance. I stopped enjoying anything that wasn’t dance or being in the studio. Call me selfish, say I’m young and I’m ruining my life, none of it matters. I’m used to being on my own. I know the feeling of being unwanted.
I grab my backpack and keep my head down walking to my locker. I can still feel their eyes on me. The crowds part and no one dares to run against me. I live in limbo, where they’re too scared to get near me, but I’m also a commodity to see. Even though he graduated last year, Corey’s protection hasn't been lifted. And no one, absolutely no one, in this school or town goes against Corey.
My best friend graduated and I waited all summer for him to decide he was leaving me to attend whichever college he decided to play basketball at, but Corey never left. He immersed himself in Rip’s gang instead. I’ve watched countless times while Corey partied. I’ve picked him up drunk, covered in blood, talking shit while under the influence of who knows what kind of drugs. I don’t ask questions. I won’t leave him. He’s all I have left. He’s the one person who has never abandoned me. He is the only person I can stand touching me, holding me, staying with me.
