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“We all had cheap clothes.” I’m not the only one who’d survived being a poor kid in one of the richest cities in the world. Despite how stunning the Upper East Side is there’s another side of Manhattan.
“But it bothered you more,” Ani points out. “There’s something inside you that was always going to need to achieve at a high level. When we were kids, your definition of greatness was set by watching the wealthy people around us and deciding the only way to achieve what you need is to be the absolute top of your class in whatever you do. Hence the relentless drive to be valedictorian and get every scholarship you could. To win every competition. You can’t full throttle your whole life, Ivy. You’ll get to the end of it and you won’t be happy you worked more. You’ll wish you’d gotten some living in. When I say compromise what I’m really asking you to do is to redefine what you need to be happy because you had that. You made it to the top.”
She’s not telling me anything I don’t already know. “And I lost it.”
“Did it make you happy?” Harper seems to catch on to what Ani is saying. “When you were in the thick of Jensen Medical and everything was amazing, were you happy? Were you content that you were doing the thing you were born to do?”
Born to do? I’m not sure I believe in destiny in that way. I’m surrounded by people who started off with one life and ended in another. For better or worse. The universe throws things at us and we deal, and that’s the measure of a life. But they’re right. I’ve viewed success as something only achieved at the very top of the field. Because if I got there everyone would know I was good. Everyone would know I was worthy. My mother…
“Oh, god. I’m still trying to find a way to make my mother love me.” So much of my life comes into focus, and tears blur my eyes. Even the rebellions were a way to try to make her see me, to see that even though he was gone, I was still there.
“I know you don’t believe this, but she does,” Ani says quietly, not arguing with my revelation. “She talks about you all the time.”
“In a happy way?” I can’t help but remember what CeCe told me.
Ani’s lips curl down. “She’s not a positive person. She’s mostly worried about you, but that’s kind of her love language.”
“She’s still grieving. I don’t think she ever got over losing your dad, but we knew that,” Harper says. “I’m reminded of that every day because my mom is grieving, too. It’s hard.”
“CeCe thinks she’s clinically depressed,” I say. Ani and Harper share a look, and I know they’ve talked about this. “Why didn’t you say anything?”
“Because you’re not a therapy kind of girl,” Harper replies. “And your mom is definitely not. But I am worried about her and about you. I don’t want you to let Heath go because your mother’s disease convinced you you’re not lovable.”
“I don’t…” I begin even as I can feel my chest tighten because we’re getting to the heart of the matter.
“You settled for Nick.” Ani’s expression goes stubborn. “You didn’t love him, but you thought you could give him something that would satisfy him, mainly a job and status. You basically bought a boyfriend to go with the job that you thought would give you everything you need.”
“That’s a rough way of putting it. But looking back, it’s probably fair. When it ended, I didn’t exactly throw a fit and try to save the relationship. I waved good-bye and went back to work. Honestly, it was a relief because he annoyed the hell out of me those last couple of months. He was always trying to get me to…” It’s a night for hard truths to roll over me. Those last few months with Nick came back in full technicolor. “To pay attention to him. I mean he did it like a toddler, but looking back I think he was trying to get my attention. Heath thinks he’s doing this to get back at me for not loving him enough.”
“And you couldn’t consider it because…” Harper leans forward. “Come on, sweetie. You’re so close. You can’t fix the problem until you admit it exists.”
Stupid tears. They roll down my cheeks. I can’t deny it. “Because I don’t think I’m lovable.”
If you ask me how I would describe me, it would be words like tough, hardworking, tenacious. If you ask me what I want, it’s to be the best. I filled out all those forms for Lydia and now I realize not once did I say one of the things I wanted in a partner was that he love me. I asked that he respect me, acknowledge my contributions, give me space.
