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“You’re worried he’s lying to himself,” Lydia deduces.
“I worry that we don’t always know how things will work out, and he can be very optimistic about business.” Heath is optimistic about most things, despite some painful turns in his past. He keeps going, and maybe I need that in a partner. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about how a partner and I would fit together like we’re all puzzle pieces, and if we don’t snap into place then it can’t work. But maybe it’s more about finding someone who can round out our edges. The fit won’t be perfect at first, and it could even be uncomfortable for a while, but over time if we learn and grow together, we ease into place.
“And you can be pessimistic, but that doesn’t mean you’re not compatible,” Lydia says.
It was exactly what I’ve been thinking. “I know, and I’m afraid I’m so worried I might fail him that I could actually will failing him into existence.”
“The only way you’ll fail Heath is to walk away from him. Do not underestimate the importance of the hard times. Don’t take away his right to stand beside you. If the shoe was on the other foot and it was Heath’s past that was going to drag the project down, would you tell him to walk away?”
“Of course not, but it’s his project,” I point out.
“I think he would say it’s yours now. He’s been working on this weird version of me for over a decade. He tinkers with it for a while, then gets distracted by some other project and then comes back and works for a couple of weeks before he sees another shiny object,” Lydia explains. “You’re the one who’s brought him focus.”
I could see Heath squirreling from time to time, but he was always so eager to get to work. Was that about me? Did I bring him something no one else has?
Lydia leans toward me. “I’m going to tell you a story that not even Heath knows. I don’t talk about it because it happened so long ago, and it doesn’t seem to matter now, but it might to you. There’s a dark secret in my past.”
“Dark secret?” I can’t imagine Lydia doing anything dark.
“Heath’s grandfather was not my first husband,” she says slowly, as though forcing the words out. “I got married at fifteen to a boy I thought I loved. He was a friend of my cousin’s, the one my parents thought was a terrible influence.”
“You got caught in a bad boy trap.”
“I suppose I did. Oh, I was rebellious when I was young. I didn’t want the life my mother had, and I thought I was smarter than everyone else. I know having money is a lovely problem to have, but at that moment in my life I felt so trapped. I was trapped in a society where I didn’t feel like I had a voice. Looking back now, I know my parents weren’t the problem. My mother encouraged me to go to college, to see some of the world, but I thought I knew what I was doing.”
My heart aches for her because I know there’s no happy ending to this story. “What happened?”
“Angelo was two years older than me. We went to my parents and told them we were going to get married, and they did not take the news well. They explained I was too young and they would not support the marriage. So we eloped. I think he thought my parents would come around and support us financially when they realized where we were living. I was fascinated by all of it. I got a job at a bakery to help support us, and he would work on a construction crew until he was late too many times and they inevitably fired him. I wanted to build something new, but he wanted a meal ticket. When that didn’t happen, he became very angry. We were only married for a few months when he started hitting me. I’m ashamed to say it took me a while before I could leave him, before my fear overcame my pride.”
I reach out and put a hand on hers. “It doesn’t matter when you left. All that matters is that you’re here and you have a good life with people who love you and would never hurt you.”
Her hand flips over and squeezes mine. “Yes. That is the point of this story. It doesn’t matter what happened to you in the past. Your future is the important thing. I was terrified that I would make another mistake. My parents let me move back in and my father handled the divorce, which was scandalous at the time. I helped my mother with her business, and I think I might have never gone on another date had I not met my Gabe. He worked at my father’s firm, and I met him at an office party. He asked my father’s permission to take me out, which he gave. I turned him down, but he would come over for dinner once a week and we talked. He was the most patient man. He was kind and gentle with me, and I took over two years to let him in.”
