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“So it’s okay for you to shut people out and withdraw, but I’m not allowed to do that?”
“That was different,” Jay protested. “You’ve been through a traumatic event. I wasn’t hurt.”
“But I didn’t know that, did I? For all I knew, you’d received a cancer diagnosis and were off getting treatment.”
“Why would you think something like that?”
“Why? Oh, I don’t know. You suddenly got very withdrawn and then disappeared completely. What was I supposed to think? I mean, I never would have come up with you having discovered you had a son you knew nothing about. You didn’t care about me when you kept what was going on in your life away from me. So don’t try to guilt me into opening up.”
Janessa clenched her hands, furious with herself for even having said that much. But it just made her somadthat Jay was demanding of her what he hadn’t been willing to give himself.
Jay moved to sit next to her on the bed, putting his arm around her shoulders. “I’m sorry, Nessa. I never realized what you were thinking.”
Janessa shrugged against his arm, but he wasn’t so easily dislodged. “It doesn’t matter.”
“Itdoesmatter,” Jay said, his voice rough. “I never realized that you thought I was sick.”
“You didn’t talk to me, so how could you know?”
She felt Jay sigh as he bent his head. “I didn’t think. I’m so very sorry for putting you through that. If I could go back and do things differently, I would.”
“Don’t ask me to just get over what I’m feeling.”
“You can’t let this fear paralyze you. You’re going to lose so much if you do.”
Janessa didn’t say anything. She didn’t think she was going to be able to just talk her way out of how she felt. As far as she was concerned, her worries and concerns were valid. When she had life experiences to back up how she felt, people couldn’t just invalidate those feelings. And she couldn’t just turn them off.
“Will loves you,” Jay said.
“I know.” She’d never had a doubt about that.
“Do you love him?”
Janessa remained silent.
“This decision you’ve made isn’t just hurting you, you know? He’s hurting now in a way I don’t remember him experiencing when Daphne broke up with him.”
“He’s hurting because he almost lost his life in that accident.”
“Sure. That’s part of it,” Jay agreed. “But he loves you so much. Do you really want to abandon that love, just because youmightlose him to an accident or sickness? What if neither of those happens and you could have a lifetime together?”
“What if I lose him in a year, when I’m even more in love with him?”
“By breaking up with him, you’realreadylosing him.” Jay shifted, moving his arm from around her shoulders. “You can’t tell me that you’re not hurting right now.”
“Yes, I am. But at least Will’s still alive. I’m not mourning because he’s gone.”
“Do you think that will protect him? That he won’t die because you’re not together?” Jay asked. “Are you telling me that if something happened to him you wouldn’t mourn him at all, even if you’re not together?”
Janessa wrapped her arms around herself, unwilling to answer that. She absolutelywouldmourn his loss, whether or not they were together. But she would mourn himmoreif they continued with their relationship.
Why didn’t Jay understand that?
“Have you prayed about this?” Jay asked. “Do you feel at peace about your decision?”
Janessa’s jaw tightened. Following Jay’s withdrawal, she had prayed about her fear, asking God to take it away. At that point, it hadn’t been so she could get into a relationship. It had been so that she could stop worrying about Jay, or Wilder, or her parents.
She’d never talked to the others about the fear she held in her heart because she’d known that they’d be like Jay. Dismissive. The one person she’d talked to the most about it was Will. He’d been understanding, and he’d even said he’d pray for her.
