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The ache in her heart grew at the memory of that.
“Janessa, you can’t continue on this way,” Jay said earnestly. “You can’t make such monumental decisions based on fear. That’s no way to live your life.”
“But it’s my life. My choice.”
“But it’s also Will’s life. In this particular situation, the decision you made because of your fear has impacted him very much.”
Jay didn’t need to tell her that. She was well aware. But he’d get over her, the same way he’d gotten over Daphne. It hurt to think that, but at least Will would have a chance to find happiness with someone else. Someone not screwed up by fear.
And she’d make sure that she never allowed herself to fall in love again. That wasn’t a big issue, since the only man she could imagine loving was the one she’d walked away from.
“I need to go to the bathroom.” And she needed an escape.
“Do you need help?” Jay asked. “I can get Charli.”
“No. I’m fine by myself.” She reached out and grabbed the crutches that were leaning against the wall by her bed.
Making her way to the bathroom, she locked the door once she was inside, hoping that Jay would be gone by the time she came back out.
Moving slowly, Janessa took care of business, then washed her hands. After drying them, she rested them on the counter, then stared at her reflection in the mirror. Despite spending a lot of her time sleeping, she still had dark circles beneath her eyes, and her skin was sallow. Her cheekbones were more pronounced than usual, which was definitely not a good look on her.
And her hair… All she’d been doing recently was washing it and pulling it back in a ponytail. Rather than the nicely defined curls she preferred, her hair was frizzy and dry looking.
Kayleigh had helped her at the beginning of her convalescence, so her hair had looked fine then. But now that Janessa had taken over her personal hygiene routine, her lack of care showed. It just took too much effort when she was only seeing family.
She didn’t think they cared how she looked, so why should she?
But as she stood there looking at herself, Janessa didn’t like what she saw. Inside and out, she was a mess, and she just didn’t know how to move past the pain that held her in its grip and robbed her of her desire to live life the way she once had.
Janessa blew out a breath and leaned more fully on her hands on the counter, taking the weight off her cast. How was she supposed to move forward? How was she supposed to go back to work like everything was normal? How was she supposed to go to church and see Will sitting there… but not with her? How was she supposed to see him with Jay or the rest of the family and not feel like her heart was bleeding?
When she heard a knock on the bathroom door, her eyes closed for a moment as she braced herself for dealing with Jay again. She loved her brother, but she needed him to leave her alone.
Grabbing one of her crutches, Janessa made her way to the door and opened it. However, instead of Jay, Kayleigh stood there. She was dressed in a pair of leggings and an oversized sweatshirt and had her hair pulled back in a ponytail.
“What are you doing here?” Janessa asked. Kayleigh had stopped by briefly the day before, so she hadn’t expected to see her again so soon.
“We’re washing your hair.”
Janessa frowned. “I don’t remember arranging that with you.”
“You didn’t,” Kayleigh agreed. “But I decided that you needed the help. Your hair is a mess.”
“I am aware. It’s not a big deal, though. It’s not like I’m seeing anyone.”
Kayleigh crossed her arms and glared at her. “That doesn’t matter. You need to pull yourself together. This has gone on long enough.”
“You don’t understand.”
“You’re right. I don’t understand how you’re feeling. You can still hurt and grieve while doing the little things that will help you feel better physically. And if it feels like too much, then let people like me step in and help you.”
Janessa considered her words, knowing that she made sense. “Okay. As long as you don’t think that just because I’m doing this, I’m suddenly ready to face the world.”
“Face the world or face Will?”
In her mind, it was both, because for a few short weeks, Will had been her world.
“I don’t want to face anyone that’s not family right now.”
