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“Josephine found someone. Someone who she trusts deeply—”
“No.”
“Please, Tay, will you at least—”
“No!” Her voice rang through the woods, echoing into the empty silence. “No,” she repeated evenly. “I’m not going to the city. You know it’s not a good idea. My family thinks it’s not safe. They wouldn’t let Josephine take me there or call anyone else when the accident happened. If I’d had a say during those two days when I was unconscious, I wouldn’t have agreed. You know I can barely control my bear right now. Everything is new, but that’s new too.”
She’d never felt more out of control when it came to the bear, probably not even when she’d first started shifting. “The fact I even am a shifter had to be explained to me like I’m a child. All of our history. My mom and dad sat with me for a whole day, telling me everything, filling me in. I know the bear is in here.” She tapped her chest. “I can feel her. She’s not fighting with me. She knows I’m hurting. Maybe she’s hurting too. But can I trust myself not to shift when I shouldn’t? When I’m stressed or in pain or the bear feels like I’m in danger? No. I can’t do that. I’m never going to agree. Josephine said that things like this happen. You get a knock on the head and your brain gets hurt and it might take forever for things to come back. They all might come back at once. They might never come back. Even specialists, with all their tests, don’t know anything more than that, really.”
Kier didn’t sigh or act defeated. He did take a few steps closer, until there was less than a foot of space between them, but then he stopped. “I understand. I’m here, no matter what, no matter how long it takes, or if the memories never come back.”
“I’m just a question mark,” she snapped, tears burning her eyes. “It’s been a month since that accident and I’m still just this giant black hole.” She still cried every single night. She belonged to her family. She belonged to her clan. But did she truly belong anywhere? Even the woods seemed to be silent and devoid of answers, or maybe she was just looking for clarity, a way out of the fuzz in her head, in the wrong places.
“I’m just so thankful Onyx wasn’t with us. And I’m glad we hadn’t picked Misty up yet. There are so many things I’m thankful for. I don’t want to be ungrateful because it could have been so much worse, but you have no idea what it’s like to wake up not knowing anything or anyone, not even yourself. Not even your own child.”
“When you first woke up, Josephine was there. She needed to care for you, and she put you at ease. You knew you were in a safe place with her. Even though she had to check you out first, she okayed us to bring Onyx to you and you loved her at first sight, just like you did when she was born. You felt that protective instinct, even if you didn’t know that you were a mother.”
“How sad is that. Not to—”
“It’s not sad. It’s understandable. Completely. Everything you’re going through, we all understand.”
“You don’t,” she hissed. “You can’t possibly know what it’s like.”
Of all the things she’d levelled at him over the past month, of all the times she’d lost her temper, shown her frustration, even cried in front of him, of all the times she’d tried to push him away, deny him, set him free, he’d shown a remarkable fortitude. All he’d give her was patience, compassion, and empathy.
But now, that hurt flickered over his face, softening his hard features. He scraped a hand over his jaw and looked up towards the sky. There was no sun out, only grey clouds past endless branches.
She wished it was night. Darkness was like a shield for her now. She’d always liked the night. She knew that too. Clay said she’d known all the stars once, but now she’d be hard pressed to name anything but the big and little dipper. Apparently, only the most rudimentary of stars had stayed with her. Jem told her she was good at growing things. She’d wanted to be a healer at one time, but she’d changed her mind and just helped with the plants and flowers and keeping watch. She was a really, really good guard. Her mom had said that with such pride and more than a little wistfulness.
She leaned against the trunk of the huge pine, digging the shoulder of her parka into the bark. Trees had memories. Even cut down, the wood was still alive. She wasn’t like a tree. She wasn’t half as wise before. Even her gift—her mom had told her about the sensations she used to feel—was gone. There just seemed to be emptiness inside her. She was a sinkhole. What was there to love? The daughter, the friend, the sister, the aunt, the mother, the lover, the mate… They’d all vanished.
Clay had told her that she used to say there wasn’t peace in his soul. She got that now, what he felt. That frayed, broken, obliterated, jittery feeling.
“Do you want to see Onyx?” she asked, a peace offering of sorts.
Kier’s eyes got misty, like the grey surrounding them. “Of course!”
She felt a tremendous rush of love when she thought about her daughter. She felt that she’d always wanted to be a mother, the first time after the accident, when she’d held her daughter. It was like she had no parents, no brothers, no life, and no love. She was entirely without purpose. But her daughter. God, she loved her daughter. If that was all she had to offer now, she’d make sure it was enough, for Onyx.
“Alright. We can go see her.” She was with her mom right now. She’d never met a prouder grandma. Or had she?
Fuck. She hated that saying about everything happening for a reason. She’d heard it recently and it made her feel like hot coals had been sewed into her stomach.
“You must be so angry,” she said into the silence.
Kier’s face blanked. “I’m not angry. Not with you.”
“I can’t be your mate this way.”
“You are my mate in every way.” The deep rumble of his voice soothed the raging storm inside her. She felt defenseless against him, but that wasn’t all she felt. She felt an inexorable, inexplicable pull, the pulsing of energy between them whenever Kier was near. She felt like he would give up anything to save her, even if it cost him his soul. There was something in his eyes that told her, whenever he looked at her, that she was his and she was perfect in his eyes.
It took her breath away, but she resisted that feeling.
“You should reject me.” It was the first time she’d said it out loud. “You should find someone else to love.”
He seemed truly mystified, and the deep lights in his eyes only glowed brighter. “Why would I do that when I could fall in love with you all over again?”
“It’s too much effort.” She ripped her hand away from the tree and stepped back. She couldn’t think when Kier was so close. “I’m not worth it.”
