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I already knew what was going to happen. Even if I absolutely abhorred the disappointing reality of the music industry, I knew for a fact that the Coachella booking was going to Damian. Not because he was more talented than me or because he was more successful… but all because he was a man.
I had to run twice as fast as I could in order to get into the same place that Damian was during that time, and all the while, I was okay with the whole race. I mean, I wasn’t happy about it, of course, but I was willing to work my way through it so that one day when I was on top, I was going to be one of the people responsible for dismantling the toxicity in the industry. I was going to be someone who made it better. More transparent. More honest.
“Oh…” I couldn’t help but let out.
“Couldn’t we just split the stage evenly? If it was a one-hour set, couldn’t we just –” Damian was ready with his negotiations. He had gotten good at speaking up and making demands after all this time, but I was just tired of negotiating and begging for attention. For once, I just wished someone wanted me to perform for them as well.
“The set we’re given is only thirty minutes, Damian,” Kurt immediately interrupted, crossing his arms and feigning frustration. “It’s not ideal to perform in front of an audience for only fifteen minutes. How will a crowd who knows nothing about you connect or remember anything about the performance at all? It’s just not practical. It can only be one.”
Damian went silent because even if Kurt was annoying and practiced favoritism, he was still right. If either of us performed for that short amount of time, we would be out of their minds in a heartbeat. No, we wanted to be remembered so we could climb the ranks. There was absolutely no point.
“Then give the gig to Thalia instead,” Damian declared with conviction, and though my heart skipped a beat at how he was willing to give away the biggest gig for me, I couldn’t let him do it. I couldn’t let him give up that opportunity.
“No, Damian, you can’t –” I was ready to object. I was ready to tell him why I couldn’t let him do that, but I suddenly felt nauseous.
I couldn’t even explain it, but I just felt so sick. At the time, I thought I ate something bad during the day, but I couldn’t remember what I’d even managed to eat that day. Before I could let another word out, I had to run as quickly as I could to the nearest bathroom. A million thoughts raced through my head as I hurled my guts into the toilet, and no matter how hard I tried to piece together some clues from the day, nothing seemed to warrant being sick.
And then I had a realization. Panicked, I pulled out my phone, nearly dropping it in the sink. I opened my period tracker app and realized that my period was, in fact, late. The bathroom spun, and the lights burned brightly in my eyes as my mind tried, and failed, to process the possibility in front of me. All I could do was clean up and walk out of the bathroom. I was in a complete, unfocused daze. I barely felt the steps of my feet and was unsure how I even ended up back in Kurt’s office.
“You okay?” Kurt’s voice frightened me, making me yelp, but his expression seemed to tell me he didn’t give a shit about how I felt. He was just trying not to look like an asshole in front of his chosen one. “So, Damian has insisted that you take the gig.” I could feel Kurt’s disappointment and disapproval radiating from his stupid face. “All I need is your approval.”
Damian stared at me, urging me with eyes to give Kurt my approval.
My breath shivered, and my mind was in a tumultuous state. On one hand, I was tired of playing second fiddle. I was starting to feel like I wasn’t welcome in the music industry whatsoever, even though I had a song that was performing relatively well. It just didn’t seem like I was progressing anywhere because of my lack of growth. On another hand, I knew that Damian taking that gig would skyrocket him. It was basically guaranteed. He was already garnering a number of fans online at a rapid rate, while I was remaining stagnant. That Coachella gig would probably do nothing for my numbers, but it will do a lot for his.
And… lastly… there was this possibility that I was…
“I can’t take that gig,” I answered. Though it felt like it came out of nowhere, somehow, in my heart, it felt like the right thing to do. Kurt and Damian both looked shocked.
Damian and I fought about it the entire night. I begged him to just take the gig and move on. In the wee hours of the morning, exhausted from arguing, he finally agreed, begrudgingly, of course.
And then I was gone.
As I told the story, Damian’s face was filled with such sadness; but yet there was also anger. I could tell it was anger that he felt on my behalf because that’s just who Damian was as a person. I knew this day would eventually come, but I could never predict how he would react to the truth. All I could do now was stand by my reasons because it was my truth and choices were made that I couldn’t take back.
“You… You’re the reason for all my success,” Damian said in awe, walking around the tour bus. “You’re the reason for all of this. This tour, my awards, my fans, my money. It’s all because of you…”
“No… No, Damian. You cannot give me any credit for your success. You’re talented, you’re smart, you’re an incredible songwriter,” I jumped up. “I just chose to step away. The only thing I can be given credit for is my own personal failure as an artist.”
Damian shook his head then ran a hand through his hair, seemingly kind of exasperated about the whole situation.
“We could have stepped away together, Thalia. We could have left that life and we could have raised our child together,” he argued.
“You know there would have been no going back to your success. I couldn’t take that away from you.” I felt the intensity of my feelings getting the best of me. “Look, I am really sorry I didn’t tell you about Luna. I didn’t know if it was the right thing to do then and I still don’t know now. I’m sorry I kept her away from you. But I just didn’t want you to live your life with me and always wonder what could have been in your career. It seemed like a one-way street to resentment at the time, and I didn’t want that for anyone. And you wouldn’t have had the chance – the chance to be who you are today. But I didn't give that to you. You made it. And I'm so proud of you.”
“But did you ever stop to think about whatIwanted?” Damian’s voice was deadly low and punched me right in the gut. Of course, I’d thought about what he wanted. I just hadn’t been so sure I actually wanted to know the answer back then. “Did you ever stop and think that maybe we could have worked this entire thing out together? Maybe if we’d worked together, we could have figured out a way to have it all. We could have faced these strugglestogether.”
Another tear fell down my cheek, and Damian closed the distance between us and pulled me into a hug with a deep sigh. That was the moment I couldn’t hold it back anymore, and I cried into his chest as his arms felt like they weren’t ever going to let go of me.
“I wanted you to be right there, holding my hand as we watched Luna grow up together,” I confessed as my arms wrapped around his back, feeling the solid muscle that had once been such a marker of safety for me. “I missed you so much, but I just wanted you to live your dreams because I had to give up mine for our daughter.”
Damian pulled away to look me in the eye, but I couldn’t meet his gaze. I wasn’t strong enough. His fingers gently tipped my chin, and I stared at him with glistening eyes and tear-stained cheeks. His other hand wiped away the rest that were still falling as he shushed me.
“Please stop crying,” he whispered. His kindness took me a little by surprise, and I almost melted into him. “I never want to make you cry, Thalia.” That admission only made the tears slip out faster.
We stayed there for a few long moments, just staring at each other, feeling each other’s familiar bodies while our breaths intermingled. It seemed like neither one of us really knew what to do next. What happened now?
The sound of the tour bus was gentle and soothing as it hummed along the freeway. We were in motion and rocketing toward the next city, but at that moment, it felt like there was no one else in the world but us.
