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Isatatthedining room table; the dark, reclaimed wood was scarred with decades upon decades of life. As I traced a line with my thumb, my mind kept wandering to Maya. I tried to ignore my feelings for her, but it was becoming increasingly difficult. I was surprised by these feelings that seemed to invade my entire body and effectively distracted me from my longstanding grief.
I wasn’t all that shocked when I woke up and she was already gone, fresh tire tracks in the snow winding down the hill. I knew at some point, reality would set in and she would try to make sense of what happened. I didn't blame her after what I did all those years ago.
But I was finally ready to be happy and share my life with someone. Share someone else’s life. Be there for and with each other. And I wanted that person to be Maya.
With that realization, came the fear that she–or anyone else–could be ripped away from me. Just like Ava had been ripped away from me.
I took a deep breath and tried to push the thoughts away, but they kept creeping back. I glanced at my cell phone sitting on the table and grabbed it without a second thought. I pulled on my coat and walked out the door, taking a breath of cold mountain air as I scrolled through my contacts.
Catherine, a therapist specializing in grief, had helped me make it through some of my darkest moments after Ava died. She had been there for me these last couple of years and I would never have made it this far without her guidance and support. I knew this…thing with Maya was a big step and I needed Catherine’s perspective.
After three rings, she answered.
"Hi Jack, it's good to hear from you," Catherine said warmly.
"Hey, Catherine.” I gulped in some air, trying to soothe my shaky voice. “Thanks for answering. I just really needed to talk to someone.”
"Of course. What's going on?"
I took a deep breath before launching into my story.
“I have feelings for a woman. We have a bit of history and dated in college. Recently we…reconnected and now I can’t stop thinking about her. But I’m also having some guilt because of, well, Ava. And I’m also terrified that…”
I couldn’t finish the sentence. I couldn’t sayI’m terrified that I’ll lose her.
Catherine made a sympathetic sound.
"It's understandable to feel conflicted in this situation. It's important to remember that your feelings are valid, but you also need to be honest with yourself and those around you."
"I know," I replied, feeling defeated. "I just don't know what to do."
"Have you talked to Maya about how you feel?"
"Not yet," I admitted. "I don't even know how to bring it up. She knows what happened, like everyone, but I just don’t know how to talk to her about it. Especially given our history together."
“I understand. It’s a tough conversation to have. But it’s an important one. And if Maya does care about you too, she’ll want to know how you’re feeling.”
I nodded, even though she couldn't see me. I felt tears burning the back of my eyes, threatening to fall.
"It's understandable to want to avoid pain, but sometimes we have to make difficult choices for our happiness," Catherine continued.
I sighed, feeling the tears pool in my eyes, but I blinked them away.
“I know, but I can’t help feeling like I’m betraying Ava by being with someone else. I want to be happy and live a life with someone else, but I’m scared that it will just be taken away from me again.”
My voice was barely a whisper.
“It’s understandable that you’re scared, Jack. But you can’t let that fear control you. You have to take risks. Youdeserveto be happy. And, like we’ve talked about, Ava wouldwantyou to be happy and to find a way to live the rest of your life to its fullest.”
I wiped the tears away.
“I know,” I finally said.
“And I’ll be here for you every step of the way.”
We talked for a few more minutes before I hung up, feeling a bit better. Catherine had a way of making me feel heard and understood. I knew that I had to take a step forward if I wanted to be happy. I just had to find the courage to take that step.
It was too bad courage was in short supply.
