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Catherine chuckled.
"Don't worry, we all start somewhere. I'll guide you through the poses if you want."
I nodded eagerly, feeling relieved that I had someone to help me. As Catherine walked me through the poses, I felt myself relaxing for the first time in weeks. It was amazing how much better I felt just by moving my body and focusing on my breath.
We started with beginner yoga poses, and by the third pose, I wanted to either laugh or cry. Looking at the way our bodies contorted on the full wall mirror made me chuckle more. Catherine shushed me, but she was laughing too.
I had never felt so out of place before, and my body felt alien to me. It was hard to relax and concentrate on the poses when I felt like a fool, so I laughed to ease the tension.
The first pose was easy, and I could manage it without any issues. The second pose was a little trickier, but I managed to balance myself. The third pose, however, was a whole different story.
Catherine demonstrated the pose, and I tried to copy her. My body refused to cooperate, and I almost toppled over. I managed to catch myself, but it was too late. My laughter escaped me, and I couldn't stop. I tried to stifle it, but it was like trying to hold back a sneeze.
Catherine looked at me with disapproval, but then she, too, burst into laughter. The class turned to look at us, and we both turned beet red. But the laughter was contagious, and soon the entire class was chuckling along.
The pose was a simple one, or so I thought. We were supposed to stand on one leg and lift the other leg behind us while holding it with our hands. Sounded easy, right? But my leg wouldn't stay up, and I was constantly swaying back and forth.
As I attempted the pose, I couldn't help but feel like a flamingo. Catherine had no problem with it, and her body looked graceful in the mirror. I, on the other hand, looked like a penguin trying to fly.
Catherine whispered to me to focus, but it was impossible. I was too busy giggling, and my body was shaking from the effort. I tried to compose myself, but every time I looked in the mirror, I started laughing again.
The class continued, and we moved on to more complex poses. But for me, the damage was done. Every time I looked at Catherine, we both started laughing. It was like we were schoolchildren, trying not to get caught by the teacher.
At first, I still felt clumsy and awkward as I attempted to contort my body into various positions. But after a while, Catherine's patient guidance helped me find my balance and ease into the movements. I was surprised at how quickly my body responded to the poses, and how calming it felt to focus on my breath.
As the class went on, Catherine and I exchanged knowing glances and nods of encouragement. It was as if we were in this together, supporting each other through our individual struggles.
As I lay on my yoga mat, I took a deep breath in and let it out slowly. The yoga class had been intense, but now, as I cooled down, I felt a sense of calm wash over me.
Brielle said yoga always had a way of centering her, and now I understood. I felt a deep sense of comfort and for once, felt like I was standing on solid ground. Meeting Catherine was also a bonus of the day; I felt like I could tell her anything.
And so I did. "Hey, Catherine. Can I talk to you about something?"
"Sure! What's up?"
It was a simple question, but for some reason, it was all I needed to open up. I started talking about Eli. Lately, he hadn't been speaking to me much, and I knew that I had done something wrong.
I told Catherine about how I had kept the truth about his father from him for all these years, and now that he suspected something was up, maybe he was upset about that. I was terrified that he would never forgive me.
As I spoke, I could feel my emotions getting the better of me. My voice shook and tears welled up in my eyes. Catherine put a comforting arm around my shoulder and led me to a nearby bench. We sat down, and I continued to spill my fears and feelings.
I talked about how much Eli meant to me, and how I couldn't bear the thought of losing him. I was so afraid that this man, his father, would take him away from me. I didn't trust him, and I didn't want to share my son with anyone else.
As I spoke, Catherine listened intently. She didn't interrupt or judge me, she just listened. It was exactly what I needed.
When I finally finished, I took a deep breath and wiped away my tears. Catherine looked at me with a gentle smile and said, "Maya, it's okay to feel afraid. You love your son, and you want what's best for him. But you have to remember that he's his own person. He's going to make his own decisions, and you have to respect that. Children have a deeper wisdom than we give them credit for."
Somehow this felt a little like déjà vu. Just like I had wanted Jack to realize that I'm my own person, here I was faced with the same conflict. I thought I knew what was best for Eli, but he was his own person. I felt an empathy for Jack at that moment, knowing that he was acting out because he genuinely thought he knew what was best for me at that moment.
Catherine continued, "And as for Eli not speaking to you, give him time. It's perfectly normal for him to be mad right now, but that doesn't mean he'll never forgive you. Just be patient and understanding with him. Show him that you're still there for him and that you love him no matter what. As for your feelings about his dad, you know that everyone deserves a dad. This might be something that you have to let happen and just be there for Eli as it unfolds."
I took another deep breath and felt a sense of relief wash over me. Catherine was right. I had to give Eli space and time, but also show him that I was there for him while he got to know his dad. I owed him that.
As we stood up to leave, Catherine put her arm around my shoulder again and said, "Maya, you can always call me if you need a friend or just someone to talk to. Don't hesitate to reach out."
As Eli and I walked out of the studio, I felt a renewed sense of energy and purpose. Talking to Catherine had been exactly what I needed to clear my head and put things into perspective. Yoga helped me to connect with my emotions and release the tension that had been building up inside of me. And besides, after having everything thrown at you, sometimes you just need to have a good laugh.
Chapter 13
