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Jack
Drivingonthehighway,feeling the wind in my hair and the sun on my face, was one of the simplest yet most enjoyable pleasures of life. Even with all the money and power, there was nothing better. It was an opportunity to escape the hustle and bustle of my monotonous everyday life, and the freedom it provided was unmatched.
I was riding in the car with Ava. The sun was shining, and I was singing along to the songs on the radio. Describing my noises as "singing" was generous, Ava teased. As she looked over at me, my heart swelled at the sight of her smile. God, life was good.
We both looked forward to the trip to the lake because we definitely both needed to unwind. We were well on our way to doing so, with Ava in a flowing tank top that brought out the blonde highlights in her chestnut brown hair. Conversely, I looked comically pale in my T-shirt and shorts.
Our trip to unwind turned into a nightmare in a split second.
The sound of the oncoming car swerving dangerously on the wrong side of the road shattered the serenity of the moment. I gripped the steering wheel so tight my knuckles turned white and tried to pull over to the side. My blood rushed to my face when I heard Ava's high-pitched, blood-curdling scream. I desperately tried to avoid the collision, but it was too late. The car collided into ours with a loud bang, and everything went into a spin. Suddenly, everything was moving in slow motion.
The sound of the windshield breaking was like a window shattered by a gunshot. My senses were overwhelmed by the smell of burning rubber and the crunch of metal as we were tossed and turned as the car flipped over and over. I looked over at Ava; her smile now replaced with wide-eyed terror as she tried to brace herself. Shards of glass were flying everywhere. But it was too late, and I had to watch in agonizing slow motion as her body was propelled through the windshield, screaming out for the help that never came.
I woke up frantic, my bedsheets soaked in sweat.
In my recurring dream, I kept reliving that same moment, over and over again. It was as if my mind was stuck on a loop, unable to break free from the memory of the accident. Each time, I saw Ava's body flying out of the windshield, and I heard her screams echoing in my ears. I tried to reach out to her, but I couldn't move. I was paralyzed for a few seconds, or minutes, or days; it always felt longer each time.
The nightmare was so vivid that I could feel the heat of the flames as I struggled to move, to get to her, and the weight of the guilt bearing down on my chest. I managed to crawl out of the wreckage just to see Ava's broken body on the pavement. I had stumbled forward on unsteady feet that day, and had fallen by her side in a heap, numb to the screams of bystanders and emergency responders that echoed in my ears.
The dream haunted me every night for about six months after the accident, leaving me a sobbing mess with a racing heart and clothes drenched in sweat. Sometimes, I couldn't go back to sleep afterwards. Other times, I fell back into the nightmare and relived the tragedy over and over again. Night after night.
I hadn't had the dream for a long time, and the fact that it was back, scared me. The dream was so real that it felt like it was happening all over again. It was always vivid, down to the last detail. I could feel the heat of the flames licking at my skin, and the smoke filling my lungs. I could see Ava's body lying on the pavement, motionless and broken, and I couldn't do anything to help her.
I felt like I was drowning in a sea of pain, unable to find my way back to reality.
But then, in the nightmare this time around, something changed. When I fell to my knees, all I saw was Maya's body instead of Ava's.
My heart was pounding in my chest. In the dream, I had lost Maya in place of Ava. I couldn't shake the feeling that I had lost more than just Maya in that dream. I had lost myself.
I decided to go for a morning run through the busy paths of the urban park close by. I thought the exercise would help clear the cotton balls from my head so I could think.
I tried my best to keep my mind empty as I prepared for the run, but it was no use. While I washed my face in the bathroom, I kept seeing Ava laying on the ground, her face twisted in pain, every time I closed my eyes. At one point, every time I blinked, the image changed from Ava to Maya, from Maya to Ava.
Maya. Ava. Maya. Ava.
I felt like drowning myself in my bathroom sink, but I just dried my face with a towel and grabbed my sneakers and sweatshirt.
As I stepped outside, the cold breeze hit my face, and I felt my lungs fill with fresh air. It was a welcome change from the stale air in my house.
As I started running, my thoughts began to race about how I used to run with Maya while we were in college, and how she would always push me to be better. She was my rock, my anchor, and without her for a while, I was lost at sea. But now, as I ran alone, I realized that I had lost more than just Maya. The dream was right. I had lost myself.
I had lost a chance to know my son.
The weight of that realization sunk deep into the pit of my stomach. Ultimately, it was on Maya for not telling me and her deep betrayal cut me like few other things in life. But if I hadn’t left her like that…
If I had let her make the choice to stay…
If I had called her when I came back to Colorado…
Maybe she wouldn’t have kept Eli from me. Maybe things would have been different.
Even if Maya and I hadn’t worked out, even if I still married Ava, at least I could have known myson.
The emotions were overwhelming. I could feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. My chest tightened, and my breathing became shallow. I wanted to scream, to let out all the frustration and anger, but I couldn't. All I could do was keep running.
The park was busy, and I weaved in and out of people, trying to keep my mind off the thoughts that were threatening to consume me. The sound of my shoes hitting the pavement echoed in my ears, and I felt the rhythm of my body syncing with the beat of the city. It was a strange feeling, but it was comforting in its way.
Suddenly, my foot hit a pothole, and I lost the rhythm, stumbling and nearly falling to the ground. I cursed under my breath and slowed my pace, trying to catch my breath. As I stood there panting, the crowd flowed around me.
