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My eyes narrowed, and I could tell she too was getting more agitated by the second because she was biting her lip so hard I figured she would draw blood.
"Yes. You already reminded me about that part, Maya. But you had a lot of chances–seven years of chances. And you said nothing.” I rubbed my eyes and ran the same hand through my hair as I paced in front of Maya’s couch. “Don't you dare try to turn this around on me. You lied to me, Maya. You kept my son from me. How can I trust you?"
“I didn’t lie, I just said nothing.”
“It’s the same fucking thing, Maya. You are not a stupid person. ”
I felt like I was going to explode. How could she not see that Eli was the most important thing in all of this? How could she be so focused on her hurt and anger at me, that she couldn't see that we needed to focus on Eli?
"Maya, listen to me," I said, my voice rising in frustration. "Yes, I left you. And yes, that was wrong. What you did was…also wrong. There is so much that you took away with your choice. Unfortunately, I’m familiar with grief. And that is what this is. I have to grieve the loss of the first years with Eli. But what's done is done. We can't change the past. What we can do is focus on the future. And right now, the most important thing is that I get to know my son."
Maya’s eyes widened, and she couldn’t make a sound. I didn’t stop though. I kept speaking.
“I want to know Eli,” I rasped, voice thick with emotion. “And so help me God, I will fight you on that, Maya. I hope you will make the right choice this time and let me know my son. But if you don’t, I will fight you in court.”
Maya was speechless as she sat down on the couch, dropping her head in her hands. She looked sad, angry, and broken. But I couldn’t care less. I watched as her back racked with a silent sob, and knew I had to get out of there.
“Call me when you decide what you want to do, Maya. But I’m not going to wait patiently for very long.”
I stormed out of her house, slamming the door. In the cold air outside, I took a deep breath, but the anger refused to subside. I was feeling so good after my run and thought I could have handled that conversation a little better. I was a little ashamed that I let my emotions get the best of me, but it was what it was.
I knew I had to talk to someone, and I knew who that someone should be.
I picked up my phone and called Catherine. She answered on the third ring, her voice calm and reassuring.
"Hey, Jack. How are you doing?" She always asked this, even though I usually only called when I wasn't doing well.
I hesitated for a moment, trying to find the words to explain the turmoil that was roiling inside me. Finally, I took a deep breath and plunged in.
"Catherine, I need to talk to you about something. I have no idea how to deal with any of this.”
"Of course, Jack. What's going on?"
I hesitated again, feeling the lump in my throat growing bigger.
"I just found out that I have a son.” Saying those words out loud still felt strange. It was such a big realization in just a few words. "He's six years old, and I never even knew he existed."
Catherine's silence on the other end of the line was palpable, and I felt my stomach drop. Had I made a mistake in telling her? Was she judging me?
"Jack, that's a lot to take in," she said finally. "Have you talked to the mother? Do you know what you want to do?"
I shook my head, even though she couldn't see me.
“Yes, I’ve talked to her. I know that I want to get to know him andbehis father. I know that I will fight for that right. But I don’t know how I’m going to do any of that.” I took a deep breath. “I just can’t stop thinking about all the ‘what ifs’. What kind of life he’s had, what kind of life he could have had…with me.”
A tear streamed down my cheek, warming my chilled skin.
Catherine's tone softened. "Jack, it's natural to feel that way. But before you start thinking about solutions, you need to take the time to accept what's happening and calm your mind. This is a huge shock, and you need to give yourself the space to process it."
I nodded.
"I know. I just feel like I'm drowning, you know? Like everything I thought I knew about my life has been turned on its head."
Catherine's voice was soothing. "It's okay, Jack. You don't have to figure it out right now. The most important thing is to take care of yourself and give yourself some time. This is a huge shock, and you're allowed to have your feelings."
I took a deep breath, trying to calm the racing thoughts in my mind. "You're right. I just...I don't know where to start."
"Well, let's start with what you do know," Catherine said. "You said you found out you have a son. How did you find out?"
