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But even as I said the words, I couldn't shake the feeling that I was losing my son. That no matter how hard I tried, I would never be able to give him what he needed. That my hurt and anger could always stand in the way of his happiness.
As we sat there on the swings, I felt a tear slip down my cheek. I knew I needed to be strong for Eli, to support him as he explored his relationship with Jack. But the thought of it filled me with a sense of loss that was almost unbearable.
At that moment, I knew that I needed to find a way to come to terms with my own emotions. To find a way to heal from the hurt that Jack had caused me so that I could be the mother that Eli deserved. But just as I took a deep breath and turned to Eli, we heard voices.
"Eli!" Hudson's voice rang out as he ran over the hill towards us. Catherine had brought a small cooler with her and seemingly had the same ideas of refreshments that I had.
"Hudson!" Eli sprung up, his face instantly turning to happiness.
They hugged, causing Catherine and I to laugh. "Mom," Eli said with excitement, "Can Hudson and I go to the monkey bars?"
"If it's ok with Hudson's mom, it's ok with me!" Catherine laughed and shooed them off and the boys laughed and shouted all the way to the other side of the playground.
"It's so nice to get out sometimes and let the boys run. I don't do this enough," I confessed.
"I don't either, so this is definitely a treat for me, too." Catherine replied. We sat on a park bench on the edge of the playground, laughed at each other's similar juice boxes and settled in.
"So," Catherine started. "You were saying about Eli's dad?"
I explained to her what had happened the last few days and that I had just told Eli. Catherine, as before, allowed me to talk without any interruption, judgement or solution-finding. It felt freeing to just get things off my chest.
"I know that everything is blown up and now we have so much more to navigate." I confessed.
"Do you still love Eli's dad?"
After a brief pause, I replied, "You know. I think I do."
I reached into my pocket for what I had brought from my jewellery box. It was a big blue button, now a little scratched with age and being jostled among my silver rings.
"There's something I wanted to show you that I've never shown anyone else. Eli's dad gave this to me, years ago, just before he disappeared. He put it in my hand and said something like, 'I don't have much to give you now, but just keep this. You never know what our future holds, but you'll always have a piece of my heart.' I clung to the hope that this button gave me when he was gone and when things were hard when I was raising Eli. But, I don't know if he remembers it or whether I'm just living in la-la land." I turned the button over and over in my hand.
"That is so special." Catherine replied, after taking it all in. "Who knows? Maybe you'll be surprised. Whatever happens, it's a lovely memory that you'll always have."
I felt so much better speaking to Catherine. We laughed watching the boys play together and were able to talk about lighter subjects. And, maybe she was right. Just keep it as a memory.
Eli and I left Catherine and Hudson at the playground after about an hour and a half at the park. Hudson just wanted one more time on the slide. We waved our happy goodbyes and headed home.
As I unpacked our bag of refreshments, Eli got washed up to help get supper ready. I put my hand in my pocket to pull out the button to put back in my jewellery box.
It was empty.
It must have fallen out when Catherine and I decided to try the swings. Dammit! I felt tears well up in my eyes, but breathed them away. It would be impossible to find it in all that sand.
Catherine was right after all. Now it was just going to be a beautiful memory.
Chapter 16
Maya
Ididn'thearfromJack for a few days even though the day after speaking to Catherine, I had written him a simple email telling him that Eli would like to get to know him.
But I finally received a text. My hands were shaking as I opened it, not sure what to expect. The text was short and impersonal, but it said that he also wanted to meet Eli and get to know him. He apologized for making Eli wait so long and promised to make it up to him.
I felt a mix of emotions as I read the text. Part of me was relieved that he had responded, but another part of me was boiling like a teapot that he had waited so long to reply and didn't reference me at all. I tried to put those feelings aside and focus on Eli. I knew that this was what he wanted, and I didn't want to disappoint him.
I called Jack later that morning and arranged a meeting at a local park. It was a beautiful Saturday, meaning Eli and I were free for the day.
It was a cloudless day with only a few snow flurries on the ground, and when I told Eli, he was excited to finally meet his dad. As we approached the park, I could see Jack waiting for us. I could tell he was nervous from the way he kept swallowing, and his eyes darted around the open space. It took nothing away from how handsome he was though, in his simple black jacket and jeans. He had no gloves on, so he stuck his hands in his pocket while his breath curled lazily above his head in a barely-there wisp. His eyes widened in surprise, but then the corners of his lips rose in a disarming smile when he saw we were walking up to him. His eyes were focused solely on Eli, and I couldn’t deny that stung.
