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No friends. No romantic prospects. Nothing exciting going on at all.
I was starting to feel a little pathetic.
I tried dating apps, but I couldn’t stand the idea of going on a date with any face that popped up on the screen. No one held any appeal.
Except for Jack.
Ugh. Mental facepalm.
Ineededto stop thinking about Jack in any sort of romantic way. He was making it crystal clear that the bridge had been burned. At best, we could be friendly co-parents who worked together for the sake of Eli. And I didn’t want to disrupt that balance.
The fear of Jack wanting to make a more formal arrangement in court hung over me like a cloud every day. He had a lot of money and could probably do a lot of damage to my life. So, no rocking the boat, I kept reminding myself.
Surprisingly, the afternoon without Eli flew by, but all I had to show for it was a ruthlessly clean house and chicken tacos in the slow cooker, all fueled by anxiety and sadness.
As usual, Eli burst through the door and launched himself at me. I caught him in a big hug and swung him around, kissing the top of his head. Also, as usual, Jack hung in the entryway, looking awkward and like he wanted to bolt as soon as humanly possible.
“Thanks for a great afternoon, buddy,” he said to Eli with a small wave. Eli hopped out of my arms and ran back to Jack.
“I had a lot of fun, Dad.” He wrapped Jack in a big Eli-hug.
“Why don’t you go put your backpack away?” I asked Eli, who gave Jack one last squeeze and bounded for his room.
“You could stay for dinner if you want,” I said to Jack hesitantly. “It’s nothing fancy, but I made plenty.”
Jack shifted his weight on his foot and I felt the rejection before he even opened his mouth.
“It’d be nice to have you around. For Eli, I mean,” I added in a rush, trying to sound casual but failing miserably.
Jack glanced out the door, and my heart sank.
“I don’t want to overstep my bounds,” he said with a shrug. “I don’t want to make things awkward or confuse Eli. Since, you know, we aren’t together or anything.”
Oh boy, those words stung like a hive of bees. The lump in my throat threatened to stop me from breathing.
“It doesn’t have to be awkward,” I whispered. “I just thought it would be nice for Eli to have us all together. It’s just a meal. Even if we aren’t together, we’re still a family. Because of Eli.”
Jack hesitated for a moment, then sighed. “Maybe another time, okay? Tonight just doesn’t feel…right.”
All I could do was nod at his back as he retreated to his car.
But still…he didn’t say no. Not really. And I felt a stupid, foolish surge of hope in my heart. With that teeny tiny sliver of a window he left open, maybe there was a chance.
At least, maybe Jack and I could put aside our differences and be civil to each other, for the sake of our son.
Maybe he could forgive you and we could even get back together, said the stupid tiny voice in the back of my head. I tried to push that thought away. It was a little too much to hope for.
But as the days went on, nothing changed. Jack still dropped Eli off and picked him up, but he never stayed for dinner. It was as if he had forgotten about our conversation entirely. And each time he left, I felt the same sense of sadness and disappointment.
It wasn't just about having Jack around, though. It was about feeling like a part of something bigger than me.
Being a single mom was hard. I’d been fortunate to have a supportive family, but there was still a loneliness that I could never shake. I never really had someone to truly share the burden of parenting or life with, to talk to at the end of the day. I never had someone to joke or laugh with until the late hours of the night.
Once upon a time, I’d had that with Jack. And since Eli had come along not too long after he left, I never really got to experience that with anyone else.
I missed him.
I missed what we had.
