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But as much as I longed for that connection, I knew that I couldn't force it. Jack had his own life now, and I had mine, as singularly focused as it was.
I had made the decision to stay away for a reason in the first place, and even though a large part of me wishes I could change that choice, it wasn’t possible. I had to live with the distance I created from Jack.
Chapter 19
Jack
Itossedandturnedin bed, but my mind was miles away. I was reliving the accident, but this time it was Eli who was taken from me. The sound of metal screeching and glass breaking was deafening, and my body shook with fear and helplessness. I was paralyzed, unable to move or even scream as I saw Eli’s face.
The stench of burning rubber filled my nostrils as I tried to reach out to him, but my limbs felt heavy and unresponsive. It felt like an eternity as I watched the scene play out again and again, reversing until I breathed in relief. But it started all over again; each time feeling more vivid and terrifying than the last.
The sight of Eli's lifeless body was unbearable, and I felt a deep, gut-wrenching sadness wash over me. I cried and pleaded, trying to crawl over to him with all the strength I could muster. My heart pounded in my chest, and sweat dripped down my face as I struggled to break free from the sudden stillness that took over my body. It felt like I was trapped in my mind, reliving the same horror like a movie on repeat, seeing it happen over and over and over again until I wanted to scream.
Finally, I woke with a start, my body drenched in sweat and my heart racing. It took me a few moments to realize it was just a nightmare, but my heart still beat like a war drum long after the nightmare had ended.
I lay there in bed, my chest heaving as I tried to catch my breath. The darkness of the room felt suffocating, and I could still feel the weight of the nightmare pressing down on me. It was as if the dream had a life of its own, seeping into my mind and refusing to let go.
I closed my eyes and tried to steady my breathing, focusing on the sound of my heartbeat. Slowly, the fear began to fade.
I sat up in bed and reached for the glass of water on the nightstand. The cool liquid felt soothing as it washed over my dry throat, and I took a few deep gulps before setting the glass back down. I rubbed my eyes and tried to clear my head, but the images of the nightmare still lingered.
I knew I couldn't go back to sleep, not after that. So I got out of bed and made my way to the living room, hoping that the television would chase away the shadows in my mind.
The soft glow of the television did little to ease my mind, and I found myself lost in thought. For some reason, memories of Ava, Maya, and Eli flooded my mind back to back, each one more vivid than the last. I remembered the sound of Ava's laughter, Maya's smile, and the way Eli's eyes lit up when he saw me. I remembered the warmth of their embraces and the way their voices sounded when they said my name.
But alongside those happy memories came a deep sense of grief and loss. I couldn't shake the feeling that I had failed Ava, that I had been unable to protect her from the dangers of the world, and that I could fail Eli, too. I knew that I had to get to a different place with Maya, but in many ways, I had failed her already. The nightmare had been a stark reminder of how easily life could be snatched away, leaving only heartache and regret in its wake.
As the hours ticked by, I found myself lost in thought, unable to shake the feeling of dread that had settled over me. It was as if the nightmare had left a mark on my soul, a reminder that life was fragile and could end any second and that I had to cherish every moment.
Eventually, the first light of dawn began to filter through the windows, casting a warm glow across the room. I knew I couldn't stay there forever, lost in my thoughts and memories. I had to face the day, no matter how difficult it might be.
And it was going to be a difficult day, I was certain of that much.
I got off the couch and made my way over to the kitchen with a heavy heart. As the aroma of coffee permeated the room, I poured myself a cup and then sat down at the table. I attempted to find some sense of calm as I sipped the hot beverage and a means to get rid of the nightmare and the memories that had been bothering me.
But it wasn't easy. When my ghosts come to visit, it's never easy.
In a fog, I got ready for work and called my driver to take me to the office. Somehow hours went by, and I knew I’d had back-to-back meetings with finance people, lawyers, and team leads giving updates on our latest projects, but, at the end of the day, I had no idea what had been said or decided.
Alone in my office, I wandered to the window and looked down. The sun was still shining, later now that spring was wearing on, and people seemed to be enjoying the warmer temperatures. But I couldn’t feel anything. I couldn’t think about anything.
After a few minutes, I gave up on trying to force my brain into submission and pulled up Catherine’s number on my phone, hoping she had time for a last-minute session.
“Hi, Jack. What’s up?”
The warmth in her voice made the tightness in my chest loosen, and the feeling of loneliness eased just a bit.
“Hey, Catherine.” I raked my fingers through my hair. “It’s just been a tough day, and I wanted to check in and see if you have any time to talk.”
“Of course. How about we meet for dinner? Getting out of the office might help you clear your head.”
I hesitated for a moment, but then I realized that she was right. Maybe a change of scenery was just what I needed to shake off this funk.
"Sure," I said. "Where do you want to go?"
"There's this new Italian restaurant that just opened up downtown," Catherine said. "I heard the food is amazing. How does that sound?"
"Sounds perfect," I said, feeling a small smile tug at the corners of my mouth.
