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“These aren’t excuses for what I do and how I am,” she said. “These are reasons. And unless and until you become a parent yourself, you willneverunderstand why we’re sitting here today.” She glanced at Reggie then back to Israel. “I believe you will stop the world for the man standing next to you and I have no doubt he’ll do the same for you in a heartbeat.” She lowered her voice, softened it. “But the things you would do for your child, for your own flesh and blood, go even beyond that.”
23
“I don’t knowwhat to say to you.” Israel broke the silence that followed Seraphina’s words, scrubbing a hand over his face. He looked… subdued. Worn out.
That was because of her. And the last thing she wanted—though it probably wouldn’t seem like it to the others in the room—was to deliberately and knowingly hurt her son.
“You don’t have to say anything,” she told him softly. “If I were a different person, I would apologize for taking Reggie’s parents, but I’m not built like that. Like I said, when it comes to you I will use whatever means I have to.”
“But why?” Reggie demanded. “And why didn’t my parents tell me what happened?”
Toro told them. She had no doubt about that. What was he truly trying to accomplish? She would ask, but not now. She kept her features neutral as she answered Reggie’s question. “Because I want my son in my life, it’s that simple. As for why your parents didn’t tell you what happened, I don’t know. Maybe they didn’t want you to worry?” She lifted an eyebrow. “Maybe they understand where I’m coming from? I don’t know.”
Reggie’s obvious anger and distrust blasted her, but he didn’t say anything else.
“I think there’s some unspoken thing somewhere that says women are supposed to be exempt from being angry or committing violence,” Seraphina said. “That we shouldn’t seek retribution or revenge on those who’ve wronged us. Must we always suffer in silent dignity in order to prove our strength? Why isthatthe only way to show how strong and capable we are? Why do we have to be better? Sometimes that doesn’t work. Sometimes the only fitting response is the ugly shit that appears to be unbecoming for women but acceptable for everyone else.”
Damn it. She swallowed the fury that built in the back of her throat. She didn’t want to preach.
Taking a deep breath, she told Israel, “I can’t make you love me or see me as more than the woman who gave birth to you.” She gave him a heavy smile. “I don’t have control over that, although I wish I did.” And she had to constantly remind herself of that fact. “I want— All I want is for you to know why. For you to understand why.” She paused, then asked, “Do you?”
“I will never be the son you want.”
Hmm.She cocked her head. “What kind of son do you think I want?”
Israel waved a hand. “All lovey-dovey and shit.”
Seraphina barked a laugh. It would be beyond her wildest dreams to have a close relationship with her son. One where he could confide in her and she could impart the wisdom she’d learned over the years. Where, after Reggie, his first call when he needed something was to her. Where there wasn’t so much baggage and unpleasantness between them. But she knew better. “I want a son who understands that his mother has endured some things she’s now grateful for because she got an amazing child out of it. I want a son who isn’t ashamed of me and who I am. I want a son who knows without a shadow of a doubt that he is loved.” She smiled. “All that lovey-dovey shit is optional.”
Israel sat back. “You think I should forgive you for what you did to my brother?”
“I think that’s your decision to make.” What she’d done to Donovan had been extreme and unfair; she’d taken out her issues with the father on the son. But she’d been deep in her anger then, chest deep in hating herself for allowing the men in her life to run things. To runher. Donovan had entered her world at a time when she’d needed to reclaim her sense of self, to prove her strength to herself. Not to anyone else, but herself.
Now, she had nothing to prove. She was an open book and she didn’t care what anyone thought of her and how she ran her business or conducted her life.
Jacqueline Jermaine—Israel’s adopted mother—was gone now, but Seraphina didn’t want to take her place. She didn’t want to be the new albatross around Israel’s neck—the person destroying him. She wanted to mend fences, build bridges. Spark something special just for the two of them. They could be that. She knew they could.
It would take time, but she wasn’t going anywhere.
Never again.
Israel got to his feet, standing shoulder to shoulder with Reggie, staring down at her with a thoughtful expression. “You’re never going to go away, are you?”
She had to bite back a grin. “What do you think?”
He chuckled dryly, shaking his head. “I banned you from New York.”
She nodded. “Uh-huh.” Imagine that—anyone banning her from anywhere. But she’d complied because this, her son, was too important.
“We move out of Queens to Philly and here you are, a couple of hours away.” Maybe it was wishful thinking on her part, but there was a trace of approval in his tone.
“I didn’t know you were this close,” she said quickly. “I didn’t know your location until I was told you were here.”
Israel’s gaze flicked past her to Toro. “So you didn’t send him to me?”
She stiffened. Just the idea had anger flaring. “I didn’t send anyone anywhere. You being here is a surprise to me. A welcome one, but still a surprise.”
A question lingered in Israel’s eyes as he glanced from Toro to Seraphina, but he didn’t voice it and she was glad for that. Her anger at Toro didn’t belong in this space she was finally sharing with her son.
