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“The shooter worked for me. I set up the shooting.”
28
Van’s bodywent ramrod straight at her confession.
Seraphina watched him hold himself still, muscles bunching when he fisted his hands, eyes narrowed as he glared at her. “What did you say?”
“I’m the one behind the shooting,” she repeated, accepting his anger and whatever came next. “I set it up. I’m the reason Izek almost got shot.”
He swung away from her violently, giving her his back. Seraphina waited for whatever he would do. It was the right thing to do, to accept whatever action he decided to take. She hadn’t done much of anythingrightin her life, but sitting here, bombarded by Donovan’s rage, felt fitting.
Israel’s face flashed in her mind, bringing the ache she’d been living with for decades into sharp and stunning focus. But soon another man’s face eclipsed even his.
Toro.
She blinked, giving Donovan all her attention. He deserved that.
So she waited for him to face her again. For a bullet to the face or a knife to the throat. But when he finally turned around slowly, hands still fisted at his sides, eyes still narrowed, he didn’t kill her.
She sat up straighter.
“Had that been part of your plan?” he gritted out. “Shooting my son?”
“No.” She shook her head. “I didn’t even know you and your family were there until I showed up. By then the plan was in place and I had no time to call it off.”
Van blinked, head cocked as realization dawned on his face. “You jumped in front of Izek.” He licked his lips, words coming faster. “You took a bullet for him.”
“I took a bullet that was always meant for me,” she corrected him. “The plan—my plan—was to draw Israel closer to me without doing the actual, necessary work to build our relationship. I went a different route and you and your family got caught up in my bullshit.” It was only now, as she looked back at all the things she’d done, all of it in the name of a son who didn’t want to fuck with her, that she found herself enlightened to the fact that she’d crossed too many lines, burned too many bridges, hurt too many innocents.
“Does my brother know about this?”
She held his gaze. “Not yet.” But it wouldn’t stay that way for long. She expected Van would share her visit with his brother, but she planned to do the same thing with Israel. Bare her soul, enumerate her sins. It was only right.
“So, why are you truly here?” Van asked.
She pursed her lips, glancing around before meeting his gaze head-on. His eyes held a challenge she had no intention of taking. “There’s no apology without change, otherwise that would just be manipulation. I have done that last part,” she told him. “I manipulated those around me in order to get what I wanted and it never worked out.” Shockingly. “Remorse is what brings me here, not just regret. They’re two entirely different things.”
It had taken her a long time, way too long, to learn the difference.
“Remorse is what I live with when I look back on the things I’ve done to you. I expect no forgiveness, that’s not why I came and I won’t ask for it. I just hope you hear me when I say it was not your fault, not your sister’s fault. You both got caught up in the middle of a war you were never supposed to be included in and that’s on me.” She touched a hand to her chest. “All my fault.”
Maybe time. Maybe her age. Maybe it was something altogether different, but as she’d left Toro sleeping in her bed and ran from him, from the way he made her feel, she’d known she could never be worthy of his love. And if she couldn’t be worthy of Toro, how in the hell was she supposed to earn her son’s love?
Her being in this spot, with the one man she’d hurt the most, who’d done nothing to her, proved just how far she’d allowed her own pain to drag her. She’d prided herself on her strength, on her fight, yet somehow she’d allowed others to dictate her actions and given in to them without putting up much of a struggle.
“I’m sorry, Donovan. I will forever be sorry for what I did to you.” Grief stared back at her, and he reminded her so much of Israel that the mother in her wanted to do nothing but ease him. Where had that instinct been before? “I owe you a debt I can never repay,” she choked out. “But I will try—”
Van shook his head. “No. Don’t try. Don’t do shit.”
She dipped her head in understanding. “Then I won’t.”
He watched her closely. “You’re doing this for him, aren’t you?”
“Yes, but no.”
He remained quiet.
“I’m doing it for him. He deserves a mother he can be proud of. I’m also doing it for you because you’ve long deserved an apology—and reparations if you so choose. And I’m doing it for me because I want to be somebody better than who I’ve been and who I am in this moment. I need to accept that there are things—and people—I can’t control.” Her mind went to Toro then. He insisted on living in her head, in her memories. She’d missed him even before she’d released her hold on him in the bed the last time they’d been together.
