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It took longer than he would have liked to find the proper person, someone both he and his mother liked and agreed on. Someone who passed the rigorous background check he conducted. In the end, Seraphina also helped with the vetting and they settled on a woman around Toro’s age named Rosa. She was the nicest person he’d ever met. Her innocence should be illegal, but she turned out to be a godsend. He hired her to work overnights and on Rosa’s first official shift, Patricia shooed Toro out of the house, so…
He took Seraphina out to dinner.
37
“And how doesthat make you feel?”
Those seven words, strung together in that order, followed Seraphina into her dreams at night. Nobody told her seeing a therapist would be so goddamn taxing. All she did was sit on a couch and talk, yet she constantly left that office feeling as if she’d gone ten rounds with a prizefighter.
Beat the fuck up.
Hell, she was always surprised when she didn’t come away coughing up blood. The mental body blows were that heavy.
She met the doctor’s gaze. “How do I feel knowing my son will be back in the States after spending months traveling Europe with his partner?”
He held her stare, silently calling her on her bullshit. It was something she actually liked about him. “This will be your first face-to-face since you left him and went to Julián’s side.”
“Toro,” she corrected him with more than a little bite. There was a certain possessiveness she felt over Toro’s legal name and she disliked hearing it on anyone else’s tongue. That name was hers alone.
Doctor Parsons’ lips twitched and he dipped his chin in acknowledgment. “Toro then. You chose Toro over Israel. How do you feel about seeing your son in person now?”
There were still fragments of her that demanded Israel be her focus. Her goal. Her prize. But it had been the right decision, the best decision, to go to Toro. She didn’t regret it and she was lucky Israel didn’t seem to give a fuck about it. So she felt nervous, but hopeful. Excited too. She told Parsons that and he didn’t even flinch at her cursing the way he’d done in the beginning. Guess she was growing on him.
But he was growing on her too.
He was helping her search around in her brain to unpack her feelings of inadequacy, fear of abandonment, and the all-consuming need for control. He was helping her be better and worthy of who she could be. Worthy of the men in her life so she showed up for them in only the most honest and authentic ways.
Toro hadn’t even blinked when she’d told him one night over dinner that she was gonna start seeing a therapist. She’d bared her soul to him, confessing to all the fucked-up things she’d done, so her man clearly knew she had issues that needed addressing. Toro loved her still, despite it all. He loved her from her head to her toes, loved her body and all that came with being with someone her age, and her mind. He understood her but didn’t excuse her actions. He called her on her bullshit and that kept her humbled.
Israel also knew she was in therapy and he’d given her his full support.
“You’ve got a smile.” Parsons’ voice brought her out of her thoughts. “What’s on your mind?”
She leaned back, crossing her legs as she gazed off to the side, not to avoid him, but to gather her thoughts and find the right words. “I think back to teenage me who chose a man she had no business dealing with because she didn’t feel safe with her parents.” Not physically, but mentally. Emotionally. “I think about the woman she grew up to be under that man’s tutelage. Pain and anguish became enmeshed in the fabric of her soul. And she did everything she could to ensure everyone she came in contact with felt the same way she did.” Because there was no way she could be in that misery alone.
“Where is that woman now?” Parsons asked.
“She’s here.” Seraphina touched her chest. That Seraphina couldn’t be erased. She had to be loved too. She had to be accepted too. She was part of a set. Old and new. Good couldn’t be appreciated without bad. Light couldn’t shine without darkness. And pleasure wouldn’t be as sweet without that layer of pain. It was a humbling thing, coming to grips with just how broken she’d been. How damaged. Pain had been inflicted on her from both outer and inner forces.
It was fucked up that it took finding Toro and reconciling with Israel for her to want to be better, want to change. But while that had been the impetus, it sure wasn’t the reason she found herself on Parsons’ couch twice a week—more if she felt she had to work through some extra shit. So far that last bit had happened twice in the two months or so since she’d started this process.
It was a lifelong thing, working on herself, and she wasn’t complaining but man, that shit was exhausting.
Parsons smiled at her as his little alarm went off, signaling the end of the session. “Today was a good one.”
As opposed to that one time she’d had a complete meltdown when they’d started shifting through her childhood. She got to her feet, picking up her coat. “Thank you.”
“I want you to keep writing in your journal,” he told her. “And think about my suggestion of one day doing some joint sessions with your son.”
“I’ll think about it,” she told him. And she would also bring it up with Israel when he and Reggie visited, which would be soon. “See you next week.” With a wave, she left the office. Her standing appointment meant she was the last client of the day and by the time she left, Parsons’ receptionist was always long gone. Her heels echoed on the smooth lobby floor as she walked out, slipping on her ivory-colored knee-length coat.
She stood outside the double doors, staring at the man who waited for her. Her man. He smiled, eyes lighting up when his gaze landed on her, and she couldn’t help but smile back. His happiness at seeing her was contagious as fuck. He leaned against his car, arms folded, looking so good.
They’d tried long distance for a month. She’d gone back to Delaware while he’d stayed in LA to be with his mother, but that hadn’t last for long. She wanted to be with him, needed it. But he’d broached the subject before she could, putting to words everything she felt. Before he finished asking, she’d already said yes. Then she’d promptly sold her house and moved to LA.
Without a backward glance.
In a week, they would close on their own home. But in the meantime, she was in an Airbnb down the street from his mother’s place. They didn’t go an hour without seeing each other. She’d worried for a bit that it was unhealthy to feel that way about him, but he was right there with her, insisting they be in each other’s bed at night. That they woke up together.
