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Forcing himself to do the necessary and right thing, Reed stepped onto the sidewalk, shut the door, and inhaled the fresh scent of recently mowed grass. One more week until September, his favorite time of year, something he and Lily shared in common. There were other things he’d come to discover since John introduced them four years ago, but he firmly closed the lid on going through a mental tally of them. The next hour of fulfilling his obligation to his late partner and the department and coming face-to-face with Lily’s grief would be hard enough to get through.
Reed strode up the walkway to the front door, pausing to clasp the outstretched hand of fellow officer, James Deitrich.
“I’m sorry, Kincaid. It’s rough, losing a partner under any circumstances. How are you doing?”
He could feel the sympathetic gazes of the few others congregated outside and stiffened against their pity. “About as well as you and everyone else here, I imagine. I rode with him every day and never noticed he was headed toward this end. I regret that more than anything.”
The autopsy report had been inconclusive, leaving the cause of death at accidental. Reed suspected that might have been so Lily could inherit John’s life insurance that likely contained a suicide exemption.
“Given his actions, none of us thought John would take a divorce so hard.”
Reed nodded in agreement along with the others. He was the only one privy to his partner’s constant meltdowns these past eight months, ever since Lily had finally left him over his numerous infidelities. In his opinion, she had waited two years and ten months too long, considering her husband first cheated on her two months after they were married. Reed had been in the dark about their marital strife that first year and wished he could have stayed oblivious to Lily’s suffering. Instead, his friendship and partnership had slowly deteriorated to the point he had filled out his resignation the night before John died, intending to turn it in the following Monday morning. Tomorrow, a week later than planned, was soon enough, and at least he’d spared John learning his actions had also driven off his best friend and partner, not that Reed believed John would ever have changed his ways.
“I’d best pay my respects to his wife. Thanks, guys.” Reed lifted a hand as he opened the door with the other, grateful he was retiring from law enforcement with all his other friendships still intact.
Bracing for the impact of seeing Lily again, he entered the house and paused to search the crowd of mourners, wanting this over with as soon as possible. He found her standing by a food-laden table, recognizing her from the back by the waist-length cascade of rich mahogany hair. Not too many women wore their hair that long by the time they were thirty-one, and, more often than not, she wore it in a thick braid. John had preferred her to wear it loose, a concession she had stopped granting him when he started fighting the divorce. Until today.
Lily turned to face the next person to come up to her, black-pleated skirt swishing around her knees. Reed’s gut clenched at seeing the strain on her pale face, the same painful sucker punch he’d experienced when John introduced them. He sucked in a breath, as deep as possible with the lump lodged in his throat, and strove to get his emotions in check before approaching his partner’s grieving widow. Maybe, if he kept thinking of her in those terms, he could refrain from making the mistake of exposing the craving her nearness always stirred to life. He’d spent too much time and effort keeping his attraction to John’s wife under wraps to reveal anything now, and intended to continue doing so until he got over it.
Reed moved her way, reaching her side the moment Lily turned those whiskey, regret-filled eyes toward him, her gaze filling with unshed tears. “Reed, why did he do this? I could almost believe one of his women was responsible better than this,” she whispered in a tremulous voice.
Lily leaned in to him, and he saw no way out of embracing her, insisting his loose hold was an offer of comfort, nothing else. He’d gotten good at lying to himself these past two years. “I don’t know, Lily. Wish I did.” He sighed then forced himself to speak a blunt truth. “Funny, though. That was my thought when I heard suicide. I would ask the captain to speak to a few of them if I had any names.” That was actually one of John’s better traits. He didn’t kiss and tell. “He wanted you and other women and wasn’t willing to let go of either fantasy. Maybe that warped flaw hit him at a vulnerable moment.” He supposed anything was possible.
“Maybe. God knows I was never enough.” She slipped out of his arms and took a step back to gaze up at him. “Captain Carmichael gave me the autopsy results, and the house looked as if he’d either had a party or gone on a drinking binge that night when I came here a few days later.”
“Then it’s possible things got out of hand. I’m sorry, though. What else can I do for you, Lily?”
Another compassionate gesture or an excuse to see her again, talk to her?Reed didn’t answer his own question, having acknowledged eons ago there wasn’t much he wouldn’t do for Lily, especially when it came to easing the burden her marriage to John had become.
“Right now, I can’t think of anything.” She laid a hand on his arm, her fingers long and slender, the nails a light pink. “Thank you, Reed. You’ve been a good friend to both of us. I don’t know how I would have coped if you hadn’t made sure I knew you were there for me despite John being your friend and partner.”
“I’m glad, and that doesn’t end now. I want you to feel free to contact me if you need anything, at any time.” Her words emphasized what he’d already come to terms with – she would always consider him a friend and nothing more. He understood – he’d seen her at her most vulnerable and witnessed her humiliation at his friend’s hands several times. “It’s important for you to believe neither I nor any of John’s friends have ever approved of his behavior or the way he fought your divorce. It cost him not only you, but several friends, including myself. I regret he didn’t get the help we all encouraged him to instead of ending this way, but I hope you’ll let the department be there for you as you get things settled.” He looked around the house she’d made a home and now owned outright filled with supporting mourners, wondering if she would stay.
Lily averted her face for a second then looked up at him again with a nod. “I appreciate everyone’s condolences and support, and I’ve been over him since moving out, but never bore him ill will. I’ve made plans to go away for a while, not sure for how long though. Until I can face going through the house and putting it up for sale. Everything is so different from when I would try talking to John about splitting up our assets.”
Before either of them could say anything further, two of her closest friends approached with their condolences, and Reed bent down to whisper in her ear. “Anything you need, any time, Lily.” He kissed her cheek and moved aside. Lily only had a second to mouththank youwith a look of gratitude before accepting her friends’ consolation. He nodded and started for the door, unable to stay longer without giving away the jolt of disappointment her announcement about going away gave him. During the first months following John’s introduction to his fiancée, Reed had refused to admit his attraction to his friend and partner’s soon-to-be wife was anything more than appreciation for a pretty, sweet woman. But the more he was around the couple and got to know Lily, the harder it had become to fool himself.
The only solution, the only way to keep from falling completely for a woman for the first time was to distance himself. John, too enamored of her himself, never noticed when Reed backed off from socializing as much, or how he’d made sure he was never alone with Lily, even for a few moments of polite conversation. Standing as John’s best man at their wedding had been torture. He’d gotten drunk afterward, hoping the alcohol would prevent him from fantasizing about having Lily to himself. It was too easy to picture her naked and bound on one of the apparatus in their private play space above Casey’s, her pretty breasts or heart-shaped ass pinkened from a long session with his flogger or a spanker, her face suffused with tormented pleasure.
He believed his sacrifices had paid off, and he’d gotten over his adolescent infatuation with his friend’s girl. Until Lily had filed for divorce, that surprising move resurrecting the craving for forbidden fruit once again.
Reed pulled his head out of the clouds of wishful thinking and managed to exchange a few words of commiseration with co-workers on his way out, even if he couldn’t recall what he’d said to anyone by the time he reached his truck. He didn’t mind admitting he wished Lily weren’t leaving but wouldn’t concede the heaviness pressing on his chest was anything except grief and disappointment over John’s death.
