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“I—”
“Go!” I yelled. My thoughts pulled me to the hospital. I could see myself standing in front of Amelia’s hospital room door. I’d known in my gut that it had been a trap. I’d just wanted Buck dead so badly, I hadn’t cared. The guilt hit me like a freight train as I remembered myself walking through that door. Then I could see Louie running for me. The memory of the gun firing and him hunching over made me pull on my hair and cry out.
Arms wrapped around me. Blinded by tears I hadn’t known I was crying, I fought whoever it was. In my attempt to get away, I lunged off the bed, but before I could fall to the floor, the arms caught me by my middle. Whoever it was lowered me to the floor on my hands and knees.
Stefan’s voice filled my ear. “It’s me, Maura.”
I shook my head violently. “I can’t—! I can’t—!” I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t hold it back any longer.
Stefan’s arms tightened around me. “Just let it out. I know you need to.” There was nothing more than reassurance in his voice and it gave me what I needed to let go.
I lowered my head to the ground, and I roared into the carpet. I kept roaring until it hurt and then I roared some more. I needed to hurt. My guilt demanded it.
* * *
After I couldn’t scream anymore and all I could do was sob, Stefan sat on the floor next to me with his back against the bed. Then he pulled me to his chest. We were like that for a while. He didn’t say anything as I cried. There was nothing he could have said. He just held me until I must have fallen asleep.
I was in my bed when I woke. It wasn’t as bright out, so I assumed it was evening.
“How are you feeling?”
Stefan was sitting in the armchair watching me. He looked rough. My always put-together father wasn’t so put-together. His suit jacket and tie were nowhere to be seen. His dress shirt was wrinkled and the sleeves were rolled up. I only ever saw him this way when I was hurt. It was unfortunate because I liked it when he looked human.
“You’ve asked me that every day.” My voice was hoarse.
“And every time you’ve avoided answering,” he said with a hint of frustration.
It’d be a waste of energy to pretend to be fine now. “I wish you hadn’t seen that.”
“Why?”
I stared up at the ceiling as I let the truth flow freely. “Because now that you’ve seen how fucked-up I am, you’ll probably never let me leave the house again.”
“That idea is appealing,” he said, making me look back at him. He was staring at me with such a serious face. His eyes, though, held a hint of sadness. “I already knew you were hurting, and you were doing your best not to let it show. Which meant you weren’t dealing with it. It’s why I asked every day.”
“But you didn’t push. You always push.”
“I couldn’t push this, Maura.” I was getting ready to ask why when he continued, “You came home looking at me like I was your enemy.”
“You’re not the enemy, Stefan.” I could see why he thought that.
“Have you noticed that you call me Stefan when you want to distance yourself from me?” he asked. “You haven’t referred to me any other way since you’ve been home.”
I didn’t know how to respond because I couldn’t exactly tell him the truth.
“I don’t know everything that happened to you when you were taken.” He got to his feet. “But what did was obviously bad enough to make you forget that everything I have done and will do is for you.”
“I didn’t forget. I just haven’t been able to feel it,” I blurted. When my darkness was in full control, I could look at Stefan and know that I loved him and that he was important, but I couldn’t feel it. Now that my darkness was back to coexisting within me like it had been these past four months, helping me move while I battled the shit I couldn’t escape from, I could.
He frowned. “Care to tell me what you mean by that?”
I couldn’t tell him about my darkness. He’d probably have me committed if I did. “I see how you, Jamie, and everyone stares at me. You’re searching for the Maura you know, but she isn’t there.”
He was quiet as he waited for me to explain.
“All that’s left of who I used to be is pain, guilt, rage, and...a darker part of myself who finds it way too easy to pull the trigger…if that makes sense,” I tried to explain. “Everything else, what was good in me, the daughter you can’t see when you look at me, is gone. Who I am now is who I needed to be to pick myself up four months ago.”
“If who you were was gone, Maura, you wouldn’t feel guilt, you wouldn’t feel pain. You have to care to feel those things,” he said and stared down at his feet, pensive. “I haven’t been through what you have, but I have experienced my own hell. I know what it is to close off, to harden to spare yourself from pain. And I know what it’s like to tap into your worst self to keep moving, and because of that choice, I did things that I’m not proud of.”
