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“Why ask that of me now when you’re hurt?” he asked. “Are you hoping I’d hurt you more?”
“I find this good-guy side of you a real mood-killer,” I said dryly. He had it all wrong.
He stared at me with his stupid perceptive eyes, and I knew I was about to regret all of this.
“What did you mean last night about being a hypocrite?”
That had the same effect as an ice-cold shower. “Get out.”
He ignored me. “Why haven’t you gone to see Louie? You’ve been home a week.”
“Why are you asking questions you already know the fucking answer to?”
He ran his fingers through his hair. “You pulled this shit with Louie at the cabin.”
I shook my head. “This is not the same, Jamie.”
He didn’t seem to believe me. “I don’t have any room to lecture you and I haven’t endured nearly as much as you have since we lost our baby,” he said in a tone that was as gentle as it was firm. “But I know what it’s like to spiral and you’re spiraling.”
I kept my voice calm. “I’m not spiraling, Jamie.”
“Then what was this?” He gestured from me to him. “Or what was that between you and Louie at the cabin? You want us to hurt you to satisfy your guilt. I wouldn’t be surprised if you weren’t all that upset over the beating Buck gave you.”
“No, I’m not upset over that—”
He interrupted me with a curse. “You went into that hospital room knowing it was a trap, didn’t you?”
Since my talk with Stefan yesterday, I had done my best to let myself feel, instead of burying myself in my darkness. Right now, though, I was tempted to retreat back into it and feel almost nothing again. “Are you ready to listen now?” I asked him calmly. When he didn’t respond, I took that as an answer. “One, I am not spiraling. If I was, I would have taken my pain meds and drunk a hell of a lot more whiskey. Two, yes, I wanted Louie to hurt me to satisfy my guilt. We had just killed Alex and I was in a fucked-up place. Three, I’m not upset over what Buck did to me. Not because I felt like I deserved it.” Anger seeped into my voice with what I said next. “He didn’t deserve anything from me but the death I gave him. I’m not broken over being whipped and beaten because I had accepted what might happen to me when I walked into Amelia’s hospital room. Which brings us to four: yes, I did go into that hospital room knowing it was a trap, and because of that decision, Louie almost died. I haven’t gone to see him because I knew I needed to face my guilt first and it nearly tore me apart yesterday. Someone I love almost died because of me again and that is the worst feeling in the world.” I took a deep breath to calm myself. “Lastly, five, I don’t know what is happening with us. I just know that I’m angry with you and I have so much rage in me that needs an outlet. I just look at you and it comes out of me without thought. You deserve some of it and the rest is just me being cruel. I love you, Jamie. Even though you hurt me, I never stopped. I want more than anything to forgive you, but I am terrified to trust you and I am so mad at you for that.” As that vulnerability left my mouth, I itched to be cruel to him all over again.
The muscles in his jaw clenched as he processed everything I had said. Before he was ready to say anything at all, his phone in his pocket started ringing. He didn’t reach for it right away, nor did he look away from me. After three rings, he reached into his pocket and read the contact lighting up the screen of his phone, which I could see was Stefan. He declined the call and put his phone back in his pocket. “I need to go,” he said and headed for the door. As he reached the doorknob, he stilled. “Go see Louie. He took a bullet for you. It’s the least you can do.” With that said, he walked out, slamming the door behind him.
I went into the bathroom and splashed cool water on my face in order to calm down. With water dripping off my chin, I stared at myself in the mirror. The bruising on my face and neck had faded to yellow. My vision glazed out as my thoughts took over and I tried to find the nerve to do what I needed to. When nothing seemed to change, I blinked. “Fuck it.”
I left the bathroom, then my bedroom. I passed Dean in the living room.
“Everything alright?” he asked.
“I’m going to the main house for a while,” I said over my shoulder as I walked out of the guest house.
I stormed through the main house, passing cameras and goons. I ran into Stefan in the foyer.
He paused when he saw me. “Maura?”
I didn’t say anything to him as I passed and began my way up the stairs. If I stopped to talk to him, I’d find a reason to turn back.
Jamie had said Louie was in the room across from his and that was where I ended up. I debated knocking for a second, then just grabbed the doorknob and twisted it to open the door.
I walked in, finding only half of the curtains drawn back. There was just enough light to see that his bed was empty. At that moment, the door to the en suite opened and Louie came out slowly, stiffly, and clearly in pain.
He was in nothing more than gray sweatpants. His middle was entirely wrapped in thick bandaging. Two steps into the room, he noticed me.
He took me in from head to toe and back up again. A tired but genuine smile graced his face. “Hello, beautiful.”
Hearing his voice drowned me in guilt. Tears filled my eyes and with a broken voice I blurted, “I’m so sorry.”
CHAPTERELEVEN
Iwas finally strong enough to walk to and from the bathroom on my own. Sure, it wore my ass out each time, but it was worth it. Before, Jameson or one of the house staff had had to help me, which was not only inconvenient, it did a number on my pride.
