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“Yeah,” I said numbly as I rocked Kieran in his nursery, which Brody had decorated in blues and baby elephants. Jamie had left for Boston and with each minute he was gone, it got harder to ignore the things my darkness had been doing its best to hold back. I’d relieved the nanny, Caroline, who was a kind woman and very motherly like Jeana, Stefan’s personal chef. I’d thought holding and rocking Kieran to sleep would help distract me. It didn’t.
Louie came into the room and knelt in front of the rocker I was sitting in. “You’re crying.”
“I’m aware.”
He put his hands on my knees. “You’ve been so strong through all of this, but you’re allowed to take a moment to process.”
A moment wouldn’t be enough.
I closed my eyes and shook my head. “I can’t. If I let go, everything I can’t afford to feel right now will rush in and I will start screaming.”
Louie swiped my cheek with his thumb. “It looks to me that what you don’t want to feel is catching up to you anyway.”
“I’m taking the edge off so I have a little more time to keep going,” I said, opening my eyes. “I just need a few more minutes.”
He nodded and left the room.
When I laid the baby in his crib a half hour later, I dried my face and headed to my bedroom. I ran into Dean on the way. He took one look at my face and I could see that he knew I had been crying. He didn’t say anything, though.
As soon as we got to my room, I went to search my closet and Dean sat on my couch.
“What does someone wear to The Underground?” I shouted out to Dean.
“Clothes.”
I poked my head out of my closet. “No shit, smartass. I’m asking if it would be overboard to wear a suit? Or should I wear a dress? I’m kind of hesitant to wear one of those, though. I feel like wearing a dress will really accentuate that I’m a woman and no one will be able to see past that.”
“You could wear a cardboard box and everyone you come across tonight will still see that you’re a woman,” he grumbled. “So it doesn’t matter what you wear.”
“Are you trying to say that I’m too beautiful?” I teased. I knew what he meant, but it was nice to get the pep talk.
He pulled out his phone and began messing around on it, ignoring me. I supposed that meant he was out of nice things to say.
I went farther into my closet and picked out three different outfits: a black suit, a black jumpsuit with a deep plunging front and wide legs, and an emerald-colored dress that was short but had long sleeves. “Was Jamie nice to you while you helped him get rid of those bodies?” I asked as I walked over to him.
Dean just frowned at me as I approached.
“I’m going to take that as a yes.” I held the suit along the front of my body. “Now help me pick what to wear.”
His bitchy face didn’t change as I showed him each outfit. “Don’t you have Brenna for this?”
“This falls under best-friend duties.”
He rolled his eyes. “The one-piece thing.”
“The jumpsuit?” I asked as I held it up to me again.
He nodded.
I headed back to my closet. “I’m going to need your help picking shoes next,” I said over my shoulder.
I heard him let out an annoyed sigh that made me grin evilly. I didn’t need his help picking out an outfit, but I was in the mood to torture someone, and he was the only one around.
* * *
“The De Lucas are here,” Louie said as he walked into my bedroom.
I was currently fastening the strap on my black, five-inch heeled Jimmy Choo sandals that showed off my dark red painted toenails. My hair was styled with loose curls, my eye makeup smoky, and my lips dark blood-red. I was wearing diamonds on my ears and around my wrist and my diamond clover necklace Stefan had given me around my neck.
