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4
We had been drivingfor almost seven hours and had just entered into Colorado. I was exhausted. The night before last, I hadn’t slept well at the hotel the five of us had stayed in after finding Jacob dead on my couch, and of course, sleep hadn’t happened at all last night. The more distance I put between us and Mr. X, the more the adrenaline keeping me moving seemed to wither away, and now I felt like I was running on fumes.
Colt put his hand on my thigh. “Why don’t you pull over at a rest stop and let me drive for a while?”
I sat up straighter. “I’m fine.”
“No, you’re not,” he said gently. “You’ve been taking charge this whole time and I’ve been all right with that. I understand why you’ve needed to be in control of things. But we’re safe. X isn’t here and you’re exhausted. Let me take over.”
Reluctantly, I pulled off the highway to a vacant rest stop and parked the Jeep.
Colt unfastened his belt. “Why don’t you lay down in the back and try to sleep for a while?”
“I feel like if I relax, everything I’m trying not to think of or feel will overwhelm me and I’ll fall apart,” I admitted as I stared out the windshield at the mountains and trees. It was so green here compared to where we lived. The temperature outside was also colder and would continue to get colder the closer we got to the safe house. We might even see snow there. “Maybe I’m not good at burying stuff anymore or maybe it’s because we’re still in the thick of it. Either way, I can’t help but think about and feel what’s happening to us.”
Colt watched me as I distracted myself with staring outside.
“Get in the backseat with me,” he said, making me look at him.
“What?”
Instead of answering, he climbed out of the Jeep. I undid my belt and also got out. A cold gust of wind hit all my exposed skin, making me shiver as I opened the door to the backseat. I slid onto the bench seat in the back just after Colt did.
“What are we doing?” I asked as I turned my body toward him.
He cupped my cheek. “I’m going to help you fall asleep.” He leaned in to kiss me.
The moment his lips molded to mine, I understood what he meant. I pulled back, gaping. “Here?”
His hand moved from my cheek to cup the back of my neck, holding me in place. “There’s no one around to see.” He pressed his lips to mine, softly. “Just focus on me.” He kissed me again. This time with a little more passion.
“You’re distracting me with sex?” I asked against his lips. I’d expect this type of assertiveness from Creed, but not Colt. Well, unless Colt’s Hulk side had surfaced. When that happened, he touched me and took my body as if he owned it. But he wasn’t in one of his Hulk moods. Maybe it was the circumstances we were in.
Colt moved his mouth to my neck. “Sex with me better be distracting.” He lightly bit me, forcing my breath to hitch and my body to arch toward him. “If I don’t have your full attention when I’m fucking you, then I’m not doing it right.”
Dirty Stone boy.
I should have been able to smile at that moment. Instead, I found myself blinking away the burn that instantly flared behind my eyes. As soon as I had control of myself, I asked, “Is that the plan? You’re going to exhaust me with sex to help me fall right to sleep?”
He pulled back to face me. Adoringly, he tucked my hair behind my ear. “How should I do it?” He kissed my lips again. “Shall I take you hard or slow?”
He’d evaded answering because what I’d said was true. I put my hand on his chest, stopping him. “If you make love to me right now, I might start crying.”
A pensive frown took over his face as his eyes searched mine. “Why is that?”
Because I don’t deserve you.
And you don’t deserve what I brought upon you and your brothers.
And it’s taking everything I have to hold the guilt of that back from crushing me.
How did I tell someone I loved that their love made my guilt too much to bear?
I hadn’t lied in the voicemail I’d left Logan. I was a piece of shit. I shouldn’t have even been in this backseat with Colt, but to not be near him, to not accept his touch, especially after almost losing him, would be like denying myself air. It seemed I was damned either way. All I could do right now was choose how badly I wanted to suffer.
I couldn’t tell him any of that, though. So I said, “Ask me tomorrow.”
Something showed in his eyes, and I had that gut-dropping feeling he knew. Every thought that had passed through me, the struggle I was desperately trying not to let him see, he knew, and I braced myself for his reply to the point my whole body stiffened.
