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"Yes," I reply with a smile.
A few seconds later, Roland strides in, his dark hair slightly disheveled and worry lines etched on his forehead.
He walks up to us, and a genuine smile crosses his face as Carmen gets up to hug him.
"Hey, baby girl," Roland says, lifting Carmen into the air and making her giggle.
"Hi, Daddy, we're making a castle," she says excitedly. "Do you want to play?"
"I'd love to, but first I have to speak with Maddie, OK?"
"OK. I will build the biggest castle ever."
He puts Carmen down and turns to me. "Can we talk for a minute?" he asks, rubbing the back of his neck as he leans against the counter.
"Of course," I reply, trying to keep my voice steady despite my racing heart.
We walk into the living room, which is currently free of security guards. I think Erin is just leaving and her replacement arriving.
Roland closes the door, then takes a deep breath, and his dark eyes meet mine. "Listen, Maddie, I've been thinking... Maybe we should cool it for a while. You know, take our time to get to know each other rather than properly date."
"Is this because of Sofia and the court case?" I ask, feeling disappointment wash over me like a tidal wave.
Roland sighs. "Yes. It's just... I don't want to jeopardize anything for Carmen, and I'm worried how it will look if I'm dating her nanny."
I nod, trying not to show my disappointment. "I understand. And you're right, Carmen comes first."
"Thank you for being so understanding," he says, reaching out to touch my arm briefly before pulling away. "I do care about you, Maddie, but we need to be careful. I just... I can't focus on you while this is going on." He takes a breath and rubs his beard, which makes me notice once more how utterly gorgeous he is. Not helping in this situation. "Honestly, I do want to get to know you." He suddenly looks me straight in the eyes and takes a step closer so he can touch my shoulders. "I don't want to throw this, whatever this is," he gesticulates between us, "away. I just have to ensure Carmen is safe first."
I nod. I don't know what to say.
"I was thinking we can keep talking, texting, having morning chats." He suddenly smiles. "Thanks for your words this morning; they helped."
I smile at the genuine gratitude coming from him. "You're welcome."
"I just want to keep things platonic for a while. And please know it's not because I'd be ashamed to date my nanny. I don't give a fuck what people think normally. It's just, this time it's about what the courts will think. And that's a whole other story."
I nod again. "I get that. I mean, I'd like to get to know you better and Sofia's timing sucks with this, but I hear you. I'd never let anything jeopardize my relationship with Damien."
"I think Sofia's timing would suck no matter when she decided to do this. Honestly, I'm wondering if she's lost her mind." He pulls a hand through his hair. "She's honestly the least motherly woman I've ever met." He shakes his head. "I'm sorry this is affecting us."
He sounds genuine and no matter how disappointed I am, I can't help but feel for him. I might have to wait to date him, but he has a custody case on his hands. That's so much worse.
"I get it," I say.
"Thanks. I better go to Carmen now. You have a good evening." He smiles at me and then turns abruptly and walks off, leaving me feeling weirdly heartbroken even if I know Roland is acting in the best interest of Carmen. I also know that he hasn't dumped me, he just confirmed he wants to get to know me better, so I shouldn't feel as sad as I do. I just can't help but worry that we will never pick things up and things will just peter out.
As I head home, I can't shake off the melancholy engulfing me. I had planned to relax this evening–no yoga classes, no lectures at Columbia–but now all I feel is antsy and restless. As I walk down the street, the sun low in the sky and casting long shadows, I try to focus on the positives: Roland didn't end things completely and he's only looking out for Carmen.
"Maybe walking will help," I murmur to myself and decide to walk to another subway station than the one I usually use to get a longer walk. As I walk, I try to untangle my thoughts and adjust to the new reality of our relationship–or rather, the lack thereof.
But as much as I try to rationalize it, there's an ache in my chest that refuses to subside. Roland's distance today was like getting doused with a cold bucket of water, and I can't help but feel the loss of something that could have been so much more.
How the hell did I go from loathing this man to wanting to be in a relationship with him?
I give myself a mental shake, letting out a deep breath. "Come on, Maddie," I mutter, "he didn't call it off for good." And besides, if I were in Roland's position, I'd do the same thing.
A few hours later, I have cooked, cleaned, done some yoga (that was actually helpful to clear my mind), and am watching Netflix while waiting for Damien. I feel better now, even if I feel cheated of a potentially great future with a great man (and keep reminding myself that future can still be mine when the court case is resolved).
